In Loving Memory

William Oliver May was taken to be with the Lord yesterday. He was Stephen's Papa, and so much more. He was my grandfather too. I grew up never knowing my biological grandfathers. When I was a little girl I wanted a grandfather so much, that one of the elders in our church kindly offered to be my surrogate grandfather and even said I could call him grandfather. Kind as his offer was, it just wasn't the same. Then, there was Bill.

I first met Bill as Stephen's girlfriend, while visiting him in Sarasota. He gave me a big hug and a kiss. I was instantly attached. Later, as Stephen and I struggled through our first year of marriage, he and Elsie opened their home to us on the weekends and we found ourselves there relaxing around the pool, sleeping in, visiting the Greek district and the Sponge Docks. On each of this visits I was always greeted with the same outpouring of love. "Well Helloooooo!!!" followed by that lovely whiskery kiss and a hug. Sometimes he would say "There she is!!" Bill and Elsie never made me feel like a visitor or an in-law. Secretly, I came to think of Bill as my Papa too, that longing my heart had felt for so many years was fully satisfied in those precious times spent with him. I even loved waking up in the wee hours to the sound of Bill snoring away in his chair downstairs. I loved him so much that I am not sure that I am fully able to describe how much I will miss him.

I am thankful that our Lord is a merciful, faithful, and loving God. I am thankful for Bill's peaceful passing and the knowledge that this sweet man is resting with his Heavenly Father. I am thankful for having known him and eternally thankful for the love he shared with me. I cherish every memory of my secret Papa.

Willing

My boss just got back from a trip to Maine - her first. I spent the day thinking about our two trips to Maine thus far and our upcoming WEEK IN MAINE in June with the Mary and Larry show. Its going to be so refreshing. I just used that word because I started to write "awesome "and, I use that word too often. What I should have said is .. magical.. transcendent ..? I can't find my word. Crisp. Ah, there it is. Maine to me is crisp in the most wonderful of ways. I have loads of pictures that I love from Maine but the one above makes me laugh. It's Stephen scrambling up the rocks after getting totally drenched by a huge wave :)



This is from the trip to Montauk. I am mildly obsessed with this image. I am not sure why. I think its the composition of it. It is perfectly balanced in my eye. That is comforting to me. Plus only I know just how big this naked fish was - huge. The wave is just about to take it away but is still in its ascent onto the sand so its fresh and bubbly. I know that I am a little out there but seriously - its just one of those perfect pictures to me.



This one is from Montauk too and makes me blush a little. I had the biggest crush on him that day. Huge crush. I love those days when you are crushing on your spouse. I think it's important to remember what that feels like, and to embrace it - and HIM - when you feel it.

Last but not least, I read an interesting verse today and it really stayed with me all day today.

Mark 1: 40-41 says "A man with leprosy came to him and begged him on his knees, "If you are willing, you can make me clean." Filled with compassion, Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. "I am willing" he said. "Be clean."

It was the word "willing" that stood out at me. The man did not say "will you please heal me?". He asked Jesus if He was willing to heal him, and He was, and answered to that effect. I am still processing this. I think that I carry the verse "Ask and you shall receive" around in my head as a back up plan. I know that if I will only ask, He is faithful. That man with leprosy wanted to confirm with Jesus that He was willing to do this healing. In essence, that it was His will to heal the man. The Lord's affirmative answer is really powerful to me. This man was desperate to be healed at any cost of that most terrible disease but he didn't demand or beg he sort of asked Jesus with this incredible amount of faith implicit in his request. He knew he would be healed if Jesus commanded it, but he did not want to presume that it was His will. Thankfully it was. I am no Bible scholar at all but that simple phrase kept flowing through my mind all day "If you are willing.. I am willing." It gave me me all sorts of joy that I don't normally carry around with me. So much so that I was giggling and laughing at anything and everything :) It was kinda fun. Especially good timing too since today we paid our Federal Taxes to the tune of $4300 and on Monday the states will take another $1700 from our miraculous bank account. Not one ounce of panic in this "Type A" heart of mine. Stephen and I are strangely excited to be wiped clean and start fresh. I don't really know why but I am going with it ! Some people cut their hair when they enter a new phase in life.. some people buy new vehicles or clothes or get a tattoo.... In this house we pay our taxes :) I dunno man.. "If you are willing.. I am willing." it feels pretty good.

A happy Easter.. what else could it be really.

Happy Easter everybody! I am enjoying my post Redeemer afternoon napping and listening to lovely musically girlie offerings. Tim Keller was fabulous as ever this morning. Once again he spoke about Peter which Stephen and I really love since we both identify with Peter more than some of the other holy folks. I have never been to an Easter service before and the joy and excitement at this one was palpable. I love Redeemer and each Sunday that I make the trek to Manhattan to sit and absorb Tim's sermon, I feel a little more nourished when I leave. We we started there I was in a state of severe spiritual starvation (self imposed as always). Now I am starting to feel a little tight in my spiritual pants. This is a good feeling. It makes me more sure that I really want to get involved more and become a true member. Join a small group and all of that. I keep saying I want to do these things and more and more the Lord is reminding me that I do in fact have the energy I claim to be without. Not only that but He is really giving me a longing to share and be involved with others. He is doing this by making me feel like I am getting fat off of the sweet, delicious and nutritious Sunday sermons. I don't want to be a glutton! You guys saw Seven, right? Anyway, it was a great Easter and I am glad that I am gaining that weight that I have been in such desperate need of.

As for the rest of our weekend.. it went something like this.

I finally got the desire to head into Chelsea to get my art on. It has been awhile folks. Stephen was ECSTATIC. I was cold and got grumpy on our walk to the Subway. Cold weather does that to me sometimes - Hot weather does it Stephen. Typical. Anyway, I decided to tough it out and just go anyway. When we got out at 23rd street, there was a street fair! YAY! Roasted Corn!! NY Street Fairs are pretty lamo in general. They have a couple of venders selling the same sort of things they sell in Time Square or other touristy spots. But, they also have fair food which is always a greasy delight! My sour mood vanished immediately. "See?" Stephen said, " The Lord knew how much you needed some roasted corn today!". Love that guy.



Stephen tried on a hat that was still attached to its family of other hats. It was still too small. Anyone surprised? Poor little big head kid.



New Yorkers love any excuse to eat and walk around in the middle of the street.



Some guy was selling empanadas with mozzarella cheese inside. SO good. We got some kettle corn too, to eat at the movie we were planning to see later.



Ok. So after the street fair we continued on our way to the galleries. This could be art ya'll. Not sure. Its obviously a smashed up cab. BUT, it is not in a gallery, its on the street..NEXT TOO a gallery (Gagosian) .. and ALSO next to a cab repair shop. Hmmm... You be the judge. I determined that it looked pretty photo worthy and thats about it.



There was a pretty fair amout of good art happening. This is a piece at David Zwirner by Gordon Mata Clark who is not longer with us. This was a recreation of a piece or the type of piece he did back in the 70s (?). Very hippie art. It was a very simple bare bones structure with the construction materials left around and inside there were tables and chairs and... food! Rice cookers full of rice and a spicy coconut milk and tofu soup in huge pots, hot and ready to eat. People were wondering in and out of the structure eating and talking, using their laptops. Just hanging out .. in the art, man.. It was pretty fun/cool/neat. It made me wonder how many artists and art students had come by here for lunch in the weeks since its installation :)



Another nice show at Zwirner by Yutaka Sone. They are glass or resin snowflake things. I think they look like snowflake jelly fish. Really fun.





This is some of James Turel's work. I LOVE his work. Its all about fooling the eye. I have this image sideways but you get the idea anyway. These are panels that are hung about 6 inches behind the wall face and they chance colors so slowly you can hardly tell its happening. It looks like the panels are just floating there.. or at first glance, like they are mounted directly on the wall.. but they are not. It really fools with your mind. I like that. Some of his other work has been a lot more interactive and I like that more I think. Rooms that are lit so slightly that you can barely see to walk and strain your eyes in the darkness to keep from stepping on the other people in the room with you. You had to be there I guess but if you ever get the chance to experience his work in person - jump.



This is for Jeremy J. This is that Frank Gery (sp?) building that was being built while you guys were visiting before. It is kinda insane actually. Inside, there are panels that slowly change colors - neon primary colors. They were closed or I would have taken pictures of that too.. guess you guys will just have to come back and visit.

Last but not least.. we saw Grindhouse guys. Quentin Tarantino is my hero, the master, the end all be all of film makers. There are many of my readers that will probably disagree with me so I must classify my remarks. I love his movies. I always walk out of the theater after seeing his films feeling like I am tough as nails and ready to curse a blue streak and ride a Harley at 120 mph down Flatbush Avenue in spike heels and black leather with no helmet and a healthy dose of revenge to exact. He and I kinda have a thing goin' on. Thankfully, Stephen is right there behind me on my bike. He loves QT's films probably more than I do. SO... I won't bore you any further with my personal taste..but I will say if you liked Pulp Fiction and Kill Bill (1 and 2) .. you will love this one too. I could go on and on but I said I wouldn't and I won't. Go see it. It's stinkin' awesome (vroooom..vrooom). Nitee nite.

Touching

Something amazing happened to me today, on the subway.

I was listening to a song by "The Weepies" from a mix that arrived in the mail from my good friend Jane. It is titled "gotta have you". I sat on the train, deep in thought, listening to this song. I was thinking of how much it reminded me of the way I feel about my attachment to Stephen. This reminded me of true love, real love, selfless love. That made me think of Stephen's grandmother, Elsie. Which inevitably brought to mind his grandfather, Bill, who has always treated me like his own granddaughter and gives me whiskery kisses on my cheek whenever I see him. I thought of Angie and Morrison and Mary and Larry and Mom and Dad and my Gram. The tears in my eyes started to well up and spill over and down my cheeks. I hid my eyes with my hand so that my fellow commuters would not have to witness my emotional moment. I was crying full blast pretty soon. I have no idea why I was crying, really. I was thinking of people whom I love and cherish and who have become such incredible examples to me in my life. They were really tears of joy mixed with the nostalgia of missed loved ones. I sat there, tears flowing and nose running, tried to snuffle in the privacy of my self imposed invisibility.

We arrived in Brooklyn. As we pulled into the station I raised my head to look out the window to make sure we were where I thought we were. Yep, one more stop to go. I put my head back down. A moment later a folded piece of white paper appeared on my lap. I looked up just in time to see the girl, who had been sitting across from me, leaving the train. I opened the little square of paper and read, "It will get better. Keep your chin up!" with a tiny flower drawn in the upper right hand corner. I immediately smiled, and stopped crying. That girl will never know what her small, sweet gesture did for me. It gave me courage. What she did was so brave, so empathetic and touching. Somehow it didn't even matter that I had not been crying out of frustration or grief, I was so touched by her thoughtfulness that all I could think about was my foolish assumptions of invisibility.

I have come to expect so little of others, to return their gazes as though they were not there. New Yorkers have this ability to look through you, not at you. I have acquired this habit as well. Looking into so many hundreds of eyes, for me, is overwhelming. I assume everyone else does the same. Which is why I spend most of my days in incessant anonymity. My mysterious note writer has given me the courage to start looking into a few eyes. To become visible by acknowledging the visibility of those around me. Thank you mystery girl, for seeing me and reaching out. Your gesture has not gone unappreciated.


This is someone else who has always seen me and I have never been able to be invisible around. I love this picture. Mostly because of the way Megan is looking at Michael. Ah, true love. Touching.

Stinky face

I mean seriously guys.. how adorable is this pile of puppy smush??? Thus the reason I am not showered yet.. really don't want to have to put him down. Oliver - Professional Cuddler and Mommy Procrastinator.

Zelda Face

Grrr.. Photobucket didn't resize this. Slowly losing my mind with this stuff.
Decided to take the whole day off today instead of just half a day. My boss said it was totally up to me and I could decide whenever.. so I decided this morning when I woke up and Oli was curled up on my leg all warm and sleepy. Staying in is always nice.
Stephen gets kinda frustrated with Zelda sometimes.. this is his Zelda face.

Is it possible to be head over heels for a dog? If so, I think I am. I love my dog SO much it's almost unhealthy. I even love his dog breath. His dog smell and sleepy sighs. Most of all I love the weight of his little dog body in my lap, all warm and snuggly. There is nothing finer. Yes, all you parents out there will say that feeling will be magnified a zillion times when I have a baby of my own. Looking forward to that. But for now, I love my dogs stinky little face more than just about anything I can think of. Well other that my husbands stinky face of course.

I did some editing on the ol' blog today. Notice anything different? This whole photo issue really has me steamed up ya'll. It used to be so easy for me to make it work and now its just not working!!!! I am a photo poster.. so that is the reason this is so infinitely frustrating.. sad Sarah can't seem to get over it.

Nothing very exciting this morning other than Oli's sweet sleepy stink. MMMM.. late morning Cheerios. Better finish getting all ready for the airport. See ya'll next week.

Brooklyn Sunrise

This was taken out our kitchen window this weekend.. really early.. just after the sun came up. If you look really carefully on the left side just over the rooftops you can see the financial district in Manhattan. Where the twin towers would have been if they were still standing. Really glad we were not here for that. At night you can see it all better and its a little more mesmerizing in the dark. You can see the Chrysler building pretty well. I am still having photo issues Jeremy J. Help..? Can't rotate image. That is the problem. Its rotated properly on the camera but.. when I upload it rotated or not, if it was taken in portrait it uploads sideways. No two ways about it. Oh well.. one day I will figure it out.
I don't have a lot to say. Work has once again drained me. Sometimes I hate my job. I think I have never had a job I didn't hate. So that could just be because I don't like working. I do work with some pretty fun people here though so.. thats a bonus.
Yeah so.. I really have nothing to say.. my brain is coming up with a big blank.. so .. the most interesting thing in this post is the view from my kitchen window. Tomorrow is Friday and I am going to visit my friend Ellen in DC to see her new baby, Seth. Really looking forward to that. Gonna go make some late night guacamole and hang out with Stephen and Oli now. Sorry guys.. this was kind of a waste of a read.

Insomnia

Hello and welcome to up all night.. well not really since its not even midnight at the moment but I feel like I could be up all night without trying hard. This day has been a mental roller coaster, which is a very white bread way of saying totally stinking weird.
I still have not posted pix from my trip home .. oh .. two weeks ago now.. but frankly the whole photo posting debacle made me a little bitter and I am working out my anger issues with Photobucket.. where do they come up with these names anyway? Its almost embarrassing. Its like when you see a hipster on the train wearing skull and cross bones leggings.. one part of you (me) is like.. "cool?" and the other is like.."dude.. even I know that is crossing a line..not to mention it went out of style about a year ago.. I think." Why can't they just name photo websites something simple like.. Post Your Photos Here or.. Blogger Photo Loading Site since blogger obviously has something worked out with Flickr.. SO unfair.. moving on..
my day was odd.. I did it to myself as is usually the case when I have an odd day. I was being all productive at work.. getting one of my bosses squared away to go to her conference in Atlanta.. rushing hither and thither with exciting items like milk invoices and FMLA leave papers.. FedEx called.. it was a typical thrilling day. So as is typical.. I got seriously bored and started staring off into space, only coming too when I glimpsed someone coming up or down the hall. So, I took a short lunch break and decided to treat myself to some friend Googles. Now I do this more than I should, admittedly. It can become an addiction so I limit myself to 5 friend Googles at one sitting. Today the name I chose yielded results on the first try-score! He had a MySpace page. I don't dig MySpace because I really like Blogger and for other reasons I will keep to myself so I don't sound hypocritical. ANYWAY..this friend is someone I have known for a long time from HP and it occurred to me that they might know or still keep in touch with other old Central people or something.. I found one friend in their friends.. then another from that site and another and another and so on.. MySpace explosion. I found so many people that I had been hoping I would never see again .. it was overwhelming. I was instantly back in High School .. right after John got sent to boarding school and hearing those kids telling me they all knew/thought it was me and I was the nark that got him sent away from home, as if him accusing me of that was not bad enough. My "friends" were of course no friends at all but just people who knew who I was. After a few minutes of looking at their faces, I walked down the hall to get some water and felt completely deflated. All the confidence I had built over the years since those HS days.. was gone in an instant. Crazy right? Memories are powerful. Repressed memories are deadly. I tried to remember who I was at the moment and that all of that stuff was ancient history. I thought about it all the way back home on the train. I felt like a poser. Like, the life I am living now was not true and that the girl who had sat in Ms. Farlow's orchestra classroom was the real me - the inescapable me. I wrestle with those types of feelings a lot but not like this. I had no idea something like seeing a person's face on their web page would bring all of that crap back.
When I got home I tried to explain to Stephen how insane it was seeing those people and how I started to feel and .. he just looked at me with a question mark over his head. That made me feel like I had to deal with the old me alone and frankly I was ready for her to quiet back down and disappear again.
We watched LOST.. SO good tonight right??!
Then, because I just couldn't resist the urge, I went right back to the page that started all the madness this afternoon. But this time I found another familiar face that was a friendly one - a Vineyard Alum that I have not seen in years. Sam Fagg.. which lead to Callie.. then Bradford and Rich .. Rebeca Andrews...people I was so happy to see it sort of made me wish I had a MySpace myself -SORT OF. I also found a high school friend that I actually missed, someone whose relationship meant a lot to me back in the day and it was nice to see he was doing well.
What is my point.. I'm not sure. Lurking can be hazardous to your health? Everyone I know or have known is on MySpace? Sure seems that way. I dunno if I even have a point but I know I am glad that those feelings came up like that. It gave me the opportunity to deal with them, put them in their place, and get back to normalcy. Growth is good even if it means you have to air your dirty laundry on your Blog to get the full benefit of said growth.
I promise to try really hard to get over my photo hang ups so that I can post the picture of me holding baby Maddie..a very proud moment.. but one captured in "portrait" instead of "landscape" so its gonna be a few more days people! Nitee nite.

GRRRRR

I woke up this morning so excited to do some blogging over my Cheerios... instead I have spent the last hour trying to figure out how to get my photos to stop loading sideways!!!!! ...I tried sending them from Flickr but you can't send more than one at a time as far as I can tell.. then I tried sending them from Photobucket and that seems to work but at this point I am so tired of messing with it that I am quitting for now... roar. If anyone has any suggestions how how to do it more easily please .... speak up! I miss the old blogger where if you had it turned the right way on your camera LCD then it would load correctly to Blogger.. what am I doing wrong?!!!??!

and in other news...

...right so ..it's been a month again since you have heard from me.. bad blogger! Bad Blogger!
Please direct your attention to the image above. This is what my fridge looks like these days. Now how does one make it onto the fridge, you ask? Simple my dear! Just send me something in the mail.. or better yet... pop into my head for no reason and I will dig out and old photo of you and plaster you to my kitchen appliance with a varying assortment of magnets. There is even a hymn there from Redeemer that was particularly meaningful one Sunday. My fridge is actually a very precious collection of dear moments. Like the letter that Stephen's grandmother Angie wrote to us. One of the sweetest most meaningful letters I have received in recent history. I must have read it 5 times at least. She also included a check for us to take ourselves out sometime. Well we did just that! We took ourselves to a fab dinner in a fab Park Slope establishment (since I have presently come to DESPISE Manhattan) .. now for the downer. I haven't written her a thank you note. The thing that makes this so sad is that I have sat down about 19 times to do so but have failed each time to produce anything more than a greeting. I have no idea what my problem is but I sure hope she is reading because Angie, you sweet sweet Grandmother you.. you made our week and that letter and check meant so much to us. THANK YOU ANGIE!!!!!!
I got Stephen tickets to a taping of Conan O'Brien for Valentines Day .. the taping was on the 21st.. Jim Carey was the guest (YEAH SERIOUSLY).. so we get there and Stephen just has no shame folks. Which is a good thing most of the time. It was a really good thing this particular afternoon since we were sitting in the second row of the NBC studio where Conan tapes his show. He, Conan, came out to get the audience going before the show and there was Stephen right there screamin' his head off and acting nuts. Conan zeroed in on him in an instant. He made Stephen stand up and dance with him.. then made fun of the way he was dancing.. then he decided Stephen was worth a hug and enjoyed it so much he made Stephen hug some other random guy in the audience.. then sent him across the stage to hug Max.. who then gave Stephen his drum sticks and sent him back to his seat. For about 5 minutes it was all about Stephen and Conan. Since Conan is our favorite late night host.... words can not express how amazing it was to watch him get more out of my Valentines Day present than I could have ever planned.. and then to have Jim Carey as the guest?!?!?!? It was stinkin' awesome! So it was after all of that excitement that I chose to use Angie's gift to take him out to that fab place in the Slope. Thank you again Angie.. I couldn't have done it without ya!!

So besides hangin' with the big dogs in 30 Rock my world has been pretty calm ... or something. I bounce back and forth between my peaks and valleys, but continue to keep from coming to rest in a valley so I am thankful for that. This past weekend we spent most of our time with various groups of friends. It was completely accidental but it turned out to be very relaxing to bounce from group to group and chat it up with everybody. I have come to grips with my own reality I think and that is a hard thing to get a handle on. Well, I should say I am coming to grips with it. I have been tracking my health very closely the last few months and my patterns are just that - patterns. That means that I can learn from them and take comfort in expecting their arrival instead of being caught off guard.
I am still homesick....but I am coping with that. I have allowed myself to disappear into the depths of my own nostalgia enough times now to heal the loneliness that stings. I think nostalgia keeps you grounded really. It keeps me grounded for sure. Its too easy to lose myself up here, so a periodic dose of memories keeps me from forgetting what really matters to me.

I thought I was pregnant this month.. yes I said it.. there was a tiny glimmer of a possible tiny one. Over the course of 5 years of marriage that can happen you know? We have had many "scares". This one was different though. I wanted it to be positive. I was devastated when it turned out to be false alarm. More specifically I was in denial.. I took 5 tests in all.. kept thinking it was too early or something. I am so tuned into my body these days I was just SURE this was it. It wasn't. This is the first time that I have been truly sad about a negative test. You know what that means !?!??! Could it be that the Shinglers are ready to start family? I'm not telling! You will just have to wait and see. Perhaps the tides have turned. I am still terribly happy with Stephen and my puppy. Adding another member to our budding family could only make me happier.

We are headed home on Friday to North Cacalaka .. I CAN'T WAIT TO GET THERE!!!!! Loads to do before we leave.. taxes. .. wash the Oli... pack.. clean.. you know the drill. It feels good to be going home! I can't wait to see everybody. I can't wait to eat Mom's shrimp and grits! AND this trip could be extra special because the newest baby Bollman is pending arrival! Michelle is set to be induced (I think) on Friday if their new little girl has not made her appearance before then. Stephen and I are extra excited about that :) Well I have to go and scrub mildew off of my shower. .. yes mildew grows in Brooklyn too. Bad joke. I have "missed the hell out of you my darlings" ..my lurkers. Stay tuned. I hope to be more verbal in March.

Cowboy .. take me away

Alright guys.. I am in a moment of weakness here.. and I am writing through a veil of tears.. I MISS THE SOUTH!!!!!!!! I miss the country and the way things were.. I miss the Brad Davis era of the Vineyard and all the amazing kids I sweat with and worked my ass off with just to get to that afternoon off at the mall on Saturday so I could spend my $35 paycheck on splitting a Steak Escape sandwich with Amin and getting a second hole in my ear with Margaret... by chance I am listening to a mix cd that Stacey Mervin made for Stephen and damn.. it hit me hard. New York may be great for some people but damn it people I am NOT a New Yorker!!! I miss grass!!! and NO a cemetery at the end of the block is NOT cuttin' right now ya'll! I miss the silence of a night in the mountains and the simple pleasures of just sittin' on the porch at Barb and Keith's. I miss my front yard.. I miss YARDS!!!!! and NO.. New Jersey yards do NOT count!! New Jersey is New Jersey .. its not North Carolina and that's what is home to me... I don't know where we will land when we finally reach our destination but I know one thing.. it ain't here. I wanna be where people just sit... and stare out at the world.. with their families and their grills and their Krispy Kreme donuts .. I am homesick in a big way right now.. so all of you who have ever felt this .. say a prayer for strength for the feisty brunette in Brooklyn who tries so hard to be the New York girl but who right now.. just wishes she was home.

let's pretend we don't exist

"..Let's pretend we're in Antarctica.." I am currently obsessed with Of Montreal more specifically with the song "wraith pinned to the mist and other games" off of the very entertaining "The Sunladic Twins". I know there is some way to put songs up on this thing but sometimes I find it annoying when you go to visit someones blog and some random song comes blaring out at you - startling. So if you are an iTunes junky or even just a recreational user check it out and see for yourself. One of Stephen's really good friends from Ringling made a video go with this particular tune and it is.. just .. addictive. I would post it but for copyright violation etc.. don't wanna push that envelope so you will have to take my word for it.

So let's see.. it's Saturday morning.. Stephen is off in midtown (ICK!) putting up Nathan's show for next week (YAY!) .. we had waffles this morning and Oli and I just finished watching Lady and the Tramp and we are now hoping that our oh-so-hip neighbor downstairs is either awake... or did not come home last night (most likely the latter) so he will not be disturbed by our blasting our current fav repeat. If we are waking him up.. sorry Sean!! Please bang on the radiator in future if we are disturbing - thanks!

I am pain free this morning which, frankly, makes me a little giddy!! I have not had a bad migraine in almost 3 weeks.. um.. that calls for some major celebratory behavior! AND waffles for breakfast. Now that I have spoken this antimigraine declaration.. well I hope I have not jinxed myself but.. since I don't really believe in that jazz I should be ok.. moving on..

I have had a pretty rough couple of weeks.. well.. like 2 months or so.. post holidays.. pre-holidays.. during holidays.. those of you out there who share my affliction know that chronic pain can do strange things to your mind. When you are down with a migraine (or other chronically painful affliction) the pain is enough to occupy your mind.. and make you wish you were dead.. or similar.. then there is the regret.. what did you do to make this happen? Stay up too late.. ? Red wine? Not enough water today? Stress? Did you get pissed at someone and hold it all in? Dang!!! Can't a body just live in freedom like everyone else !?!? Well.. no. So you get to end of your rope and you call the Neuro.. who has no appointments.. huh?!?! Tell me again why I have a specialist?? Ok.. he can SQUEEZE me in tomorrow.. even though the 3 day migraine I have is happening .. TODAY.. may not be tomorrow.. what the hey! I will take whatever I can get. So I go in and the good doctor gives me a syringe full of magnesium right in the vein. Mainlining Mg is not for the faint of heart. It makes you very HOT - as in just entered a sauna fully dressed and they turned up the heat. What it does is open all your veins and vessels really wide to let more blood through and WAMMO! Your pain just melts away.. yeah I said it.. its gone. Pretty amazing. So after 6 weeks of back to back migraines and feeling so depressed it was all I could do to get out of bed and get dressed for work.. I have had a good solid 2 weeks of clear thinking and productivity. Its been pretty fabu. I also decided it was time to break my TV addiction and have recently become slightly enamored with NewsWeek.

I think part of the cause of my TV addiction was the depression brought on by the pain.. but another contributing factor was and is .. Midtown. The dreaded Midtown. I can honestly say I hate that place. I would rather be in ANY OTHER PART OF THE CITY. But alas, my paycheck grows there so go there I must. The overstimulation of that materialistic HQ numbs my brain rendering it incapable of thought. So when one has an unfeeling, unthinking mind what better way to pass the time than to sit in front of the inane chatty commercialism that is network television. As some of you know - we do not have cable. That's right, we have a prehistoric existence here. So we can't TiVo out the commercials or watch good channels like Discovery, History, Bravo, TLC or IFC. We are subject to whatever those 4 giants decide we should watch and ABC, NBC, FOX and CBS have some really bad taste. OK ok so I do watch a lot of NBC (being a fellow resident of 30 Rock it seems inevitable) and they are better than most but none-the-less I was unable to find a reason to control my constant TV consumption. I tried putting myself on a TV diet. The news and 1 hour.. yeah that did not work since as soon as my tail hits the couch and Oli jumps in my lap it seems I am attached as though I sat in Epoxy. ENOUGH! I ODed on this behavior last week and now the mere thought of it makes me sick. This week it stayed off (I watched a couple of pre-bed Netflix with Stephen but that does NOT count) and low and behold.. we had conversations and the house stayed clean and we ate freshly cooked meals all week! What a concept! I am not sure why the effects of that Midtown environment affect me so much. Perhaps it is owing to my quiet Southern roots. Or to my introverted personality. It has taken a lot of purposeful self examination and growth to get the point where being crammed into a subway car with 120 other people and joining the throngs of iZombies on their various ways into work can be endured with a happily blanked out expression instead of an anxiety attack. For that I thank God and Apple for the iPod. I know that its not a very individual expression that I have the same white earbuds decorating my lobes as the other subway sardines but.. frankly I don't care. I tried going sans iPod and just reading.. but on those extra crowded days I found myself almost unable to breathe with a racing pulse at being touched by someone else's arm/leg/tail/coat/bag/Times.. I much prefer the hypnotic effect of my own personal tunes and do not mind being completely and unequivocally antisocial for those 30 minutes.

The point of all this jawing was just to say that it's nice to be awake on a Saturday with not pain and no depression, and as I am prone to both that is reason to celebrate. Both drain me of life and as I am currently full of it I am going go out and walk around in it and hope that my fellow lurkers do the same. Happy Saturday all you lovelies - Check out Of Montreal if you are not already a fan - I promise you will not be disappointed!! MUAH!!!!

Gypsy Dreamin

I realize how early it is but I had this dream last night that I feel compelled to post for some reason.. maybe I am still a little asleep.

For Michelle D.

I dreamed that I was at Merlefest and it was sunny with blue skies and white puffy clouds and I was hurrying to catch the next show I had marked on my program. It was Tim O'Brien playing at the Creekside Stage. I was going there to meet friends and whom should I find on the Mexican blanket spread on the damp ground but Michelle D and Katie O !! Both pregnant and both totally relaxed and chilled out in the grass. I settled in between you guys and donned my sunglasses to listen to the tunes that were already in progress.

So ... I have no idea why I should be posting this but when I woke up this morning it seemed imperative that I put this up.. I gotta stop eating rice crispy treats before bed!

Here's to warm dreams of summers past and relaxing moments as we plunge headfirst into this frigid season. Love to my dreamy companions :)

Quiet Night in with Patsy

I am sitting in the corner that is our computer room .. Stephen is asleep on the couch with Oli and outside.. soft snow flakes are floating down to rest on the tops of cars and giving our little corner of the world a magical flare.. right now my lurkers are all thinking the same thing.. "Wow.. almost a full month with no posts and now this Limburger !?!?" Well... I am blaming it all on the ladies.

Lady number one: Ellen

Ellen had her baby on Friday.. I just checked my voice mail and there it was... a message from David giving a few details.. Seth was born at 1:59pm on Friday at 7 lbs 5 ounces and 20 inches long. She ended up having a planned C-Section because he was breach so I knew when she was having him I just.. guess I am so used to my friends having babies all the time and I never call them or anything because they are drowning in new additions and family members .. I guess I don't want to get in the way so I stand in the shadows until such time when I feel like they might be more ready to hear from friends. Sometimes I forget to move back into the light and by the time I get to meet the kid they are like.. 2. But this is different. This is my sister having her first "chitlin" (as a good friend of mine would say).. so why the cheesy mood ? Well I guess just getting that voicemail meant so much. It meant a lot because it made the whole thing very real - Ellen and David have a son. They get to see what the mingling of their genes looks like at long last :) Also.. it just was like a tiny lifeline... to keep me from diving headfirst into the "baby blues" ...as in.. my best friend just had her first baby.. guess that's that. What an awful way to feel right?! Can't help it folks. We have spoken on this baby stuff before, if you will remember. As the one on the other end of the situation.. it's kind of hard to know just how to be really.. you are happy and SO excited for them .. thats a given.. but is it still ok to talk about the tourist that accidentally clocked you with her Eastpack on the train this morning? Its big to me because after the third whack I was ready to go in fighten'.. but it sounds pretty meaningless to those who have diapers to change and lives to nourish.. hmmm.. I am suddenly very conscious of just how surface my day to day concerns can be when I am conversing with my mom-friends. At any rate....that voicemail meant more to me than just 7lbs and 5 ounces.. it meant "Don't you disappear on me Diana!!!" I only wish I had gotten it earlier today because I would have loved to hear everything..there is always tomorrow. Thanks for the message guys.. sorry I dissected it in public like this. Which brings me too..

Lady number two: Patsy

Thats right folks.. Patsy...Patsy Cline. On a snowy night in Brooklyn. Why? Well.. I really don't know .. but she just felt so right. Patsy Cline always make me feel nostalgic and I love that feeling. My Dad used to play Patsy Cline in the on the way to the our summer camping trips at the beach. To this day "Crazy" gives me a warm safe feeling. Such a sad song really when you listen to the lyrics. But when you are 11 - you don't listen to lyrics. When you are 11 it's just this background music as you lay looking up at the stars wizzing past in the night sky from the backseat of the Wagoneer. The feel of your sleeping little brothers feet pressed into yours to keep warm in the A/C. The smell of the coffee your dad keeps stopping to get so he can be awake to set up the camper when you get to the campground - hopefully before midnight. I always felt so safe on those trips to the beach. Everyone was so happy and it felt like we could go anywhere with Dad at the wheel. There were no chores or homework to worry about.. just family and freedom. We always got to come and go as we pleased while we were at Salter Path Family Campground. There was more food than we could eat and we could choose to drift on rafts in the sound or hang out on the beach and brave the waves. We could ride bikes all over and as much as we wanted. There was no phone so that meant we could hang out and talk without any interruptions from people needing light bulbs changed or flooded basements pumped. Just Dad and Mom.. right at your fingertips. Through it all.. there was Patsy. I think she loved the beach almost as much as we did. Even now the sound of her voice melts the tension from my body. I can almost smell the red snapper on the grill and hear the splash of John's net in the bay, catching shrimp. So I guess she brings out my cheesy side but I sure wish Mom and Dad were here right now. Another thing that makes me nostalgic is snow... being from the south the sight of it has always meant staying by the fire and everyone being home for sledding, hot chocolate and fresh cookies. In New York it just means that you better be ready to trudge through some nasty grey sludge in the morning. Still... as long as it's dark out there and those pretty flakes are floating down.. I can listen to Patsy and enjoy the nostalgia.

So now..if you are still awake after all that... here a few random pictures from the last few weeks and months ..



The famous Coney Island Polar Bear Club!! It was so cold out last Sunday that my fingers hurt from being out of the gloves long enough to take this picture.. those people are nuts and I don't mean pecans. ( help - I am typing cheesy things and unable to delete )



Before Christmas..Abigail and I went to a concert at Carnegie Hall - it was a choral show and the sang Mozart's Requiem - one of my favorites. It was amazing.



Also before Christmas.. David (Stephen's brother) had some work in a show in New Jersey. So there you have three of my favorite men in the land - Stephen - David - and Jeff. I think this is David's first appearance on this blog.



another picture from the show in NJ... there is the back of David's head.. I have more but they are all of art and honestly I am not in the mood for art speak right now so.. g'nite folks.. much love to you all.. especially the tiny new Bragdon..

The New Year

...i know i am a little late on this post but Happy New Year everybody!!!
We spent the eve at our friends loft in Newark NJ. Wonderful sit down pot luck dinner with a delightful Spanish theme. Adam and Nicole are living the dream man! They are both artists and are redoing an industrial loft space. This is something that Stephen and I have talked about and thought about and its pretty much the whole reason we got our subscription to Dwell in the first place! Anyway, their space is HUGE and is really looking nice. They both have really great taste and I would have loved to take pictures of everything - their awesome 50s stove - the cabinets - the yellow bathroom... but I tried to remain respectful of their privacy .. anyway they were great hosts and we all had loads of fun and toasted in 2007 in style.



...dueling with Thomas on the DS...




I should have taken some group shots but for some reason I got shy at the end and didn't want to make everyone gather 'round the ol' Sony ... that happens to me way too often the past few months. Suffice it to say we had a great New Years Eve and hope everyone else did too.

Happy Belated Christmas

There once was a tiny dog who lived in Brooklyn with his people. The dog loved Christmas and couldn't wait for it to snow so he could show off whatever new sweaters and toys he got to the other dogs in the neighborhood. His people were the only ones at home this Christmas and this made the dog very happy because he could be as loud as he wanted and his boy played and wrestled with him without fear of waking the neighbors. Christmas Eve came and he waited and waited.. watching from the window of the dark and silent building from his home on the 3rd floor (see tiny figure in the right window in the above photo). He watched and waited but there was no snow to be seen.. this made the dog and his people very sad.



"Oliver!!.. Ooooliver.. where are you?" The dog heard his boy calling him from the kitchen.. "Mmmmm" thought the dog, "My people are going to prepare their Christmas Eve feast!!" He decided he would take a break from watching for snow to guard the kitchen and keep his boy company while his girl cooked their meal.



Soon there was food on the table...Oliver sniffed and snuffed and wondered what was for dinner tonight.. he smelled London Broil and baby bella mushrooms with caramelized onions.. asparagus with lemon butter and new potatoes with sour cream and dill... Oliver's mouth started to water and he took a step back from the table to get a better view..



he noticed that there were only two places set.. he knew that his people were missing their family right now and figured they must be spending some extra special time together tonight... so he decided to go to bed early and begin his snow watch again in the morning..



"Good night Oliver!" called his people. As he walked away he heard them toasting quietly to each other.



In the light of the morning Oliver awoke to find the "Yule Log" burning brightly on the TV.. but no snow. This was disappointing to this small dog but he decided to embrace the tradition of the televised fireplace in New York with both paws and sat warming his nose for a few minutes before trotting off to watch his boy make breakfast.



The boy was on the phone with his family and the girl was waiting for her fresh cinnamon rolls to come out of the oven. The smell of bacon wafted through the air and Oliver decided sit by the window and take it all in.... especially the bacon smell!!!



Oliver did a good job guarding the breakfast his people had prepared. He was so sorry that he did not get to play in the snow on Christmas morning but he was happy he got to cuddle indoors and enjoy the nibbles his people shared with him throughout the day.



Oliver and his people missed their family this Christmas.. they missed them a whole lot. They know that one day they will be closer and able to once more share Christmas morning on Chickasaw Trail but for now.. loads of hugs and kisses to everyone who we missed and those that missed us back. Happy Belated Christmas.

protest, demonstration and racism

I was witness to something today that I never thought I would see in person. Some of you who do not live in this area may not have heard about what happened in Queens a few weeks back. A young man was shot by police 50 times while coming out of a bar in Queens with some friends.. the night before his wedding. He was black. Apparently, the cops and the black community are particularly at odds in the boroughs. I am not going to even try to be eloquent about this or even think about what I am saying because the whole situation is fast becoming a fire storm.

First of all.. the cops would not say that what that cop did was WRONG - MURDER- a CRIME. That cop is a KILLER. It takes ONE bullet to kill someone.. maybe 2 maybe even 3 .. 50 bullets is an excessive amount no matter who you are what you do where you live.. a firing squad uses less than that. This cop actually had to stop and RE-LOAD his gun.. and CONTINUE firing. The least they could have done was come out and say that what that copper did was wrong and that he was a murder who was going to be tried like anyone else who had done something like that.. suspended fired.. anything.

So you conservatives out there are saying.. hang on.. what was the other side of the story.. I don't get it there must have been a reason this guy was blasted like that.. well that's what the rest of us would like to know as well. It took the police department almost a week to come up with a story about what happened that night.. then after they came up with that one.. they altered it to add a 4th person that "might have had a gun".. pardon me but.. what the _____ kind of story is that!?!?? I am not usually politically active.. I usually say "that is just terrible" to the sad police shooting stories you see on the news.. but this time.. all I could think was.. ARE THEY OUT OF THEIR MINDS??! they shoot a young man... they MURDER this guy.. BRUTALLY.. and then they can't even tell the rest of the world WHAT HAPPENED to provoke it?!?! have police relations gotten that BAD??

Today I was walking to a shoe store on 5th Avenue and I turned the corner to find cops everywhere and barricades all along the length of 5th. I asked the guy in Journeys if there was some sort of parade going on.. he said "F___ no! Its not a f____ parade.. its a f___ protest!!" The New Black Panthers and the NAACP had organized protest marches in all of the boroughs and Manhattan was the final march.. and it was just about to start.. there were very few spectators standing by the barricades, plenty of people pushing along the sidewalk with their shopping bags.. I stood right at the curb by the metal bars blocking my way into the street. There were rows of demonstrators blocking the street at various increments .. then it started. The NYPD leading the way with locked arms setting the pace for the demonstrators. They were followed by a group of demonstrators locking arms and chanting " 1, 2, 3, 4...." they were counting the shots that killed Sean Bell. Some shouted for those of us watching to join them.. some called out the theme of the protest " shopping for justice!!!"... then there were others. Angry,hurt, people. I was shouted at and called a "white devil" and a "cracker!!!" " You call yourself a Christian?!?! You are not a Christian.. you are a white devil you m__f__ cracker!!" "Your day will come Crackers".." today we march in peace.. tomorrow this will change."

I stood there shaking.. with fear.. with anger. I tried to take pictures and finally gave up trying to capture the sea of people passing me..so I only got shots in the begining before the streets where crammed with demonstrators.. my hands were shaking and I couldn't stop crying. I was so angry at the NYPD for not saying they were wrong. I was angry at the people who thought I didn't care about this murder, just because I am white. Angry that I would not get the chance to tell them I agreed with them and that I think the NYPD is totally wrong. But all they could see was my skin and the shouts of "black power" seemed to sum up the mood. They did not care that I was on their side. I forced myself to stand there as long as I could.. to witness this event that should never have been necessary. I stood there to attempt to support their cause.. I did support their cause.. I do.. but for some I will never be anything to them but white. For the others who would allow me to state my opinion on the matter, if given the chance, I have expressed it.

Pray for New York City people. What has happened here and what is happening here is frightening for more reasons than I care to type out.




my shaky hands ...

Mrs. Stephen goes to Washington

I went to DC last weekend to see my best friend Ellen. You guys already know who she is and what she means to me (see "Ellenbogan") so I will assume everyone one knows she is like my sister and that she is expecting her first little boy, Seth, in a few weeks (WOW .. it really is only a few weeks away!!!!). So I will dispense with the sentimental words and tell you what I saw and learned. Ellen's husband is a clerk to one of the supreme court justices ( I could tell you who but then the US Marshals would be forced to take me out ). Anyway.. he was working on Saturday (of course) and he and Ellen took me around on a behind the scenes tour.



Here are the points I found most interesting:

1) The supreme court was built in 1935 (interesting because I actually still remember the date)

2) The supreme court justices all have fireplaces in their offices - the original purpose of this was for destroying confidential documents

3) Each case that is heard by the court lasts only 60 minutes - each side gets 30 minutes to argue their side of the case. In this short amount of time the attorneys may field as many as 60 questions from the justices!!

4) Standing at the podium before the empty chairs that the justices would occupy during a hearing - frighteningly stoic and scary even when the seats are empty.



This is a street right behind the court.. these people lives steps away from some of the most powerful decision makers in our nation .. "A" street.. but take heed.. there is NO sign at the interesection ;)



This is a house for rent on A Street. It looks adorable right? Would LOVE to live there..



Here's how much it would be to live there.. so.. yeah.. we put our dreams away :)



The Supreme Court Christmas Tree.. in the mid-decorate..



The Marble Staircase that has no grout but is held up purely by the weight of the actual stairs.



THE hot seat!!!



The library.. reminds me of the New York public library.. but then all regal libraries look alike right?


I really had an awesome time.. I have never thought of visiting the Supreme Court but I am glad I had this opportunity... Soon Seth will arrive and Anne and I will get to figure out how to get the stroller to the court to have lunch with his Daddy... all things change and life moves forward .. and I am starting to not make sense so I am going to bed... I had an amazing time guys.. thanks so much for having me.. I thought about our judicial process all the way home.. it was so great to remember that sense of respect for this country and its customs that I used to have in college... somehow makes me feel more secure.. what makes me even more secure is knowing that people like you, David, are helping to draft the opinions that shape our country.. that is a good feeling.