Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween from your friendly neighborhood Rainbow and Ariel. The girls have been waiting for this day to come since November 1st, 2011. They actually thank God in prayers some days "That it will be Halloween soon!" .. I have stifled a giggle hearing them pray this over their peanut butter and honey sandwiches.. in April. This year they were certain about their costume choices. Ada wanted to be Ariel and Margot wanted to be, and I quote, a rainbow. We talked with her and figured out that this could be successfully accomplished with a blue shirt as the sky, a rainbow (of course) and a rain cloud tutu. Et Voila! Stephen made her this costume and she has been in love with it from day one. Halloween is a fun Daddy holiday don't you think?

 Ada got lucky when one of our new teacher friends at school offered to give us her daughters Ariel costume that they didn't use any more. She was over the moon.

We did not tell them how to pose. These girls are just naturals.

Margot, the less affectionate of my twins, actually kissed Ada this afternoon because she was so excited that it was almost time to get dressed up. This might be the sweetest shot of them hugging ever taken. 

We got to party with two sets of friends tonight. The Reds came for dinner and the pre-game action and then Stephen and the girls actually went trick-or-treating with another precious family we are get to be friends with. Missed getting a picture of them which is a damn shame since the parents were dressed up too and they were the best looking zombie and David Bowie (yup! you heard it here first!) I have ever had the pleasure to meet. We are overly blessed and we know it.

Frankie stayed home with me to hand out candy and I am sorry to say that in all the excitement the girls and I did not dress her up this year. The girls wanted to put her in a tutu and a hat but it just didn't happen. She had a great time grinning at all those kids who knocked on our door and waving hello and goodbye. She will get more into the fun next year. It was kind of nice to focus on the big girls this year. After all I am pretty sure Halloween is a 4 year olds Christmas.

Farewell

I have been getting into a file of old family photos that I scanned in several years ago while working on a project for my brothers birthday. They are just so beautiful to me. Beautiful and preciously nostalgic of course. 

This is a note to say farewell to the life we have been living since school started back. Swim season is upon us and tonight was the first evening practice. Tomorrow will be the first "morning" practice, if you call 5:30am morning. I call it dark. Dark and cold and, frankly, lonely. I have been spoiled these last 2 months. I wake up to Stephen getting the girls ready for school and fixing me breakfast every morning. I get to take a shower and come down and face the day prepared. That has been our rhythm. Now I have to figure out a new rhythm as twice a week I will wake up alone when the girls come in our room at 6am and try to figure out how to shower and dress and feed and pack backpacks and get to school on time solo. There was a time that I just got up when he left at 4:45 or whatever. Maybe that's what the future holds. Not sure yet. I do know that it means that I am up way past my bedtime right now. Boo. I like being up at night. It's just about the only free time a wife and mother gets. To see that limited to two hours (maybe three if I am feeling dangerous) makes me a little sad. But I digress. The afternoon practice today went well and since they start at 5:45pm he was able to come home and eat dinner with us before heading back out. The girls and I had a pleasant evening and he came home just in time to read Frankie one last story and help get the girls out of the bath tub. I will figure out a new normal. I have just been dreading this season a little for some reason. Not sure why. It always feels like the beginning of a marathon. Once those practices start they don't stop for four months and standing at the starting line that's a long ass way off in the distance. Sigh. My way out of my dreary heart is gratitude. So! Here I go! I am grateful that coaching gives Stephen a little more $$ each month. Super grateful that the school divides it out over the entire 12 months they he is paid. I am excited to plan something fun on the evening practice days that Daddy doesn't come home for dinner. I see dessert playdates in our future and lots of story time. I am excited to have such a regulated sleep schedule. Thankful in advance for the wonders it will do for my migraine management. Thankful for the inevitable organizational systems that I will create while figuring out how to get it all done in the mornings. Here's hoping that thankful thing lasts when all 3 girls wake up tomorrow missing their Daddy : /

Sandy

Our thoughts and prayers are with our friends in New York and all along the East Coast tonight. The images coming from Facebook and Instagram are truly freaking me out. 

This is a picture of my Nanny climbing Kitty Hawk with John in the Outer Banks many years ago. Not even sure this hill is still around after so many storms have battered the area in the recent years.

Thinking of you guys up there in Manhattan and in Queens and in Brooklyn, the Bronx.. Jersey. 

Stay safe.

House

Well we have our closing date set and the due diligence runs out in 3 days so I am going to risk it and go ahead and post this picture of, dare I say it, our new house. This is it! What do you think? We think it is incredible and one of the largest (physically at least) blessings in our family to date. I mean.. it's even our style you know? It is unique in a neighborhood that was built in the 60s and has many lovely split levels and brick ranches. To be honest the first time we saw it on the site we were sure it was too good to be true. Turns out, it wasn't. 

I haven't written much about this process because it has been so new and different which, inevitably, sends me on a roller coaster ride of emotions that no one wants to be a part of.. seriously! Stephen is a saint. In a nutshell once we were under contract and had the home inspection done, there were things that needed to be fixed. Big things like the roof. Oh me of little faith lost hope right away and figured we would need to move on. Our financing is structured in such a way that the only way we could purchase the home, was if the sellers were willing to do all the repairs. All of them. Most minor things but the list was twenty some items in length. It would take a miracle and as it turns out the sellers were(are) that miracle. They agreed to make all the repairs. We have the re-inspect on Tuesday and I can't wait to see the results. The appraisal came in where it needed to be so we are well on our way to the new closing date on November 30th. We are so excited. 

Last week was apparently the week of furniture. We will have a living room and a den (with a fireplace!) in the new place and we were hoping to have a least a few things to move in with. Another couch, possibly two end tables and a credenza of some kind for the TV. A wish list since none of it was essential to life but each of which would have been a nice addition to the comfort of home. I have been looking for weeks in Craigslist - casual browsing of all things vintage (since we are so picky about appearances). Suddenly I found a vintage sleeper sofa, a credenza, a fabulous vintage lamp, and 2 end tables (one of which is Lane and worth about 5 times what I paid for it) in the space of 48 hours! For a total cost of a little over $200 since we need every penny we have for expenses related to this process. See how good God is? Not only has taken care of our every need but suddenly even our wants have come to fruition! Not just stuff we can live with.. stuff we are psyched to find! Stuff we would have paid more for but... didn't have too :)

The last thing I will say about this process is that it is taking a tremendous amount of trust. Something I am quite the novice at. This home buying thing kind of came as surprise for us. Didn't know we were even good candidates, had no idea it was even a possibility.. thus we were unprepared financially. We had our emergency fund. That was it. We were blessed with an incredibly generous check from a beloved family member and though I thought it might be extra, it has turned out to be just what we needed to make this happen. We are going to coast into this closing on grace. But His grace is sufficient and I am clinging to that promise.

Anyway, just wanted to give everyone an update from the home front. I am having trouble with all of this info backing up in my brain so I am challenging myself to write something every day from now until the closing. Hold me too it you guys! Please! I really need this outlet right now.

Eighteen months of Frankie

Our mighty toddler turned 18 months I we took no notice. In fact I have been telling people she is 16 months for several weeks now. Shameful but true. Frankie won't mind though, she is very forgiving. A few other things about our favorite baby sister... she loves that Rody Horse thing she is riding here. She carries it from room to room and then goes to town bouncing on the poor creature. But if Toy Story is any indication of how the real world of toys works (and I think it is I mean come on!) "Strawberry" is having the time of her life. Here they are playing war steed and warrior princess with the Nerf Hatchets the girls use to attack their Dad with. Admit it.. you are a little nervous. You should be. 

Our girl is also wicked smart (read "smaaaaht" to those who know their film quotes and I don't have time for the rest of ya').  You can tell her to put something in the trash and she does it. Here she is when I discovered that she had mistakenly put the girls trash in the colander by mistake.

Now you see it..

Now you don't. 

Having a job makes a girl feel good inside.
She puts her shoes on the shoe rack at the back door when we come home. She will also bring them to you when she is ready to get some fresh air. 
She loves to put her dirty clothes in the hamper in the morning and before bath at night. Woe to the man or child who puts these items in the hamper without her help for her wrath is swift and often extremely loud. 

She also says "Peese" and "Tankooo". For reals. I said "What do you say?" when the pediatrician handed her a sticker last week and she smiled and offer her thanks. That is unheard of in this house of children who scowl at "strangers". This kid is friendly. Never fusses at being left.. anywhere! Waves hello and goodbye to anyone and everyone. Says hello and goodbye to anyone and everyone. Blows kisses to passing cars. She is our little socialite.

 She hasn't mastered crayons yet but man, she is trying her hardest.

Still naps twice a day and sleeps hard when she does.  She like to sleep shoved up against the left end of the crib. With her quilt tucked in around her. She likes to put her hand in between the crib and the mattress and stroke the sheet with her fingers. Her strawberry lovey has a fuzzy side and a soft fabric side and she likes the fabric. Not the fuzzy or the silky edge like her sisters, the fabric. When you read her stories before nap and bed you have to spread the lovey over her lap with the strawberries facing up so she can touch the fabric with her right hand and suck her left thumb. She is very particular but we are used to that personality trait.

Only kid in the house who sleeps hard enough for me to be able to take a picture without waking them. Look at that little face.. doncha just wanna kiss it?!

When I go get her out of her crib in the morning, she likes to give me kisses through the bars and hang onto the rail and bouncy up and down for awhile while I try to mirror her bounces. She giggles and grins with those baby teeth of hers. She thinks everyone in her family is hilarious, particularly her sisters. Her sisters continue to adore her even though she is getting to the age she can get in their way and mess things up.. and does. She is fearless and will go up a ladder and down a slide (no matter how tall or curly) all on her own. In all honesty if you look away you might miss it and she doesn't care. She is in it to enjoy every moment and she is not gonna wait for you to catch her if she falls. When she does fall sometimes she cries a little more than her sisters did, but love on her a minute and she is back in the game. 

Favorite moment of the week. I was watching the girls play on a jungle gym and I heard Margot call out "Hey!! Don't push my baby sister!!!" Another kid waiting their turn at the slide had given Frankie a friendly nudge to get her to go ahead down the slide instead of pointing at all the birds in the trees. My heart swelled listening to Margot come to her sister's defense. Later she asked another child to stop climbing up the slide "My baby sister wants to come down right now!" I remember how it felt when my little brother would defend me to other kids. It felt so good. Like we were a team and in it together even when it didn't look like we were even playing within earshot. These girls are tight and I like that. I didn't have to teach them how to care for each other.. they are just doing it on their own. You don't wanna cross Margot either. She is one tough cookie. 

Frankie, we love you. You brighten our days with your smiles and your laughter. Your eagerness to learn reminds me of just how short these years will be. Watching you sit on the couch with Margot and read books melts my heart and causes me to do silly things like stand in the middle of the living room staring at the two of you. You are so precious to us. Our family just wouldn't be our family without you.

Happy

It's hard not to be happy these days. Somehow I manage it though. Then I look back at pictures from the last few days and the stress fades from my mind and I am just, happy. How could you not be? 

A red wagon from the city, made much happier by a smiley baby in the mountains next to her Papa in his hammock. 

Twin darlings happy to be wading in frigid water with their Grammy and Grampapa.  The contagious excitement of little girls convinced they can build a dam with their Daddy large enough to stop the entire river. And they can. And they did.

Water and rocks and sunshine and family. My family. 

You could stay forever in a place like that. I think I will. 

Or here. At the North Carolina State Fair on the busiest day. Despite Ada's forlorn look, so much happiness that day. So much wading through people and eating good (not fried.. honest!) food. So many smiles and baby screeches. Sunshine and that honest tired feeling you get after that long walk to the free lot. And it was worth it. 

No excuses. Just me. Happy.

If one of your kids is driving you to drink..

.. take them on a date.  

Margot is a carbon copy of me, emotionally. That means when I am struggling, putting the two of us together for any stretch of time will result in a load of bad attitudes, time outs, deep sighs and gritted teeth. Today was the worst so far this week. So when Stephen came home I asked him if he would mind if I took Margot out for awhile. He agreed and I packed a bag and we headed out to the art museum to go for a walk around the sculpture park. So getting one away from the pack normally results in a much calmer child who listens better and may even hug you numerous times and tell you that you are best mommy in the whole world. Other times having one girl on her own is just having that girl on her own. The attitude that was so trying at home will be just as trying in the car on the way to "someplace special". Believe it or not this was exactly what I was hoping for today. And I got it. She was the same Margot while we walked around the sculpture park at the art museum that she was fussing at Ada in the living room. Being in the fresh air meant that I had more patience with my girl and being on our own meant that I could hold her without interruption while I explained what it means to have a grateful heart. I told myself I wouldn't even bring it up unless she started whining .. I just wanted to take her out for some one on one time with no expectations and no hidden motives. No lectures or bribes. We hiked across the grass instead of staying on the trail. We walked to the top of the highest grassy hill and laughed about how far we had come. We played tag. I carried her piggyback all the way back to the car, and I enjoyed every step.. didn't even feel tired when we got there (is she just tiny or am I actually in pretty good shape right now?) After our walk we went to "Chickalay" for dinner and I didn't hound her about getting up from the table 400 times or not eating her chicken fast enough. She was waving at everyone from our table on the balcony, keeping track of how many people said hello back to her. God, that kid is cute. Then we went to the Y and went swimming together. The struggles we had today were some of the same struggles we had on our evening out. It was just so nice to be able to struggle together as mother and daughter and not as hen and brood. 

Boots

I recently went to a consignment sale and was lucky enough to find rain gear for all three girls. I didn't even know they made rain boots this small. Funny thing about Frankie .. she likes pretty much anything you put on her body. At this age the twins were already screaming in the floor about footie pajamas and forget about shoes. Shoes.. oh my god shoes. Yet, our tiny Frances just prances around the house with a giant grin. She hasn't even started trying to take them off. Personality differences never cease to amaze me. 

This consignment sale that I attended was the same sale that I posted on FB about a week or so ago. If you are not my friend there I can give you a rundown of the events that transpired. It was pretty crowded since I was a seller and got to shop early with the rest of the sellers - which is not for the faint of heart I might add... these women are beasts and by beasts I mean rabid wolves desperate to grab every incredible outfit off the racks before you can say "Is that a CrewCuts dress?". It's a bloodbath. Moving on.. I survived and made it to the checkout line just as it was wrapping around the rear of the basketball gym. Awesome. One credit card machine in use up there.. stellar. Can't complain too much since I love this sale and it's quality name brand clothing that I would never be able to afford otherwise. Waited in line for an agonizing 4 and a half days.. or 45 minutes if that seems more realistic. Got to the front, was chatted up by the check out guy (which seemed odd since he was older than my father).. got no eye contact from the rest of the female staff (poor exhausted buggers).. made my way out the door (turning down 2 offers to help me to my car). Home stretch. Oh wait I just dropped my receipt! Let me just put these bags down and readjust my OHMYGOD!!!! My shirt!! and more importantly my BRA!!! That's right dear readers.. my shirt was unbuttoned TO MY BELLY BUTTON. Black lace bra just out there for the world to see. And see they did. I was so flabbergasted that I just buttoned up and stormed to the car crying "Are you KIDDING ME?!?!" about 59 times to the parking lot at large. The take away from this experience is this.. if you see a woman.. a modestly dressed woman .. a mother perhaps at a childrens clothing consignment sale.. dressed in a plaid shirt and comfortable jeans.. if you see that HER SHIRT IS UNBUTTONED and her undergarments are on display.. say something. Say ANYTHING. If I can save one woman the embarrassment of seeing her little chrome VS heart twinkling in the lights of the parking lot I will count this one a win. Thank you.

P is for Chester

The girls go to bring home the class pet this week! (They were studying the letter "P" and Ms. P brought a pet puppy to class to share). For two girls who have never really been than into stuffed animals, Chester was one well loved overnight guest. 

He came in a little puppy backpack with a Clifford book and list of instructions (I love Pre-K!!!! It's so stinkin' cute!!). We only got to keep him for the day/night and then he went back to class to be shared with the other friends there. 

He and his puppet self were difficult for Ada and Margot to share. I am not exaggerating  when I say we spent that entire afternoon in 5 minute intervals. Set timer for 5 for Margot.. set timer for 5 more for Ada and so on.. It was still fun though. They cried when they came home that afternoon wishing that Chester had been able to stay longer.

I would say that we might need to look into getting some animal puppets at Christmas time but something tells me that it just wouldn't have the same charm.

Today in Pictures

 

We tried Frankie's baby snow suit on from last year and .. it still fits!

The girls did some painting with Daddy. They recently got a haircut but if you don't see them every day you might not notice. Ada on the left, Margot on the right. Ada's is slightly shorter because Margot loves to wear hers up so .. we left it longer so she could keep doing that. Long by like an inch I think. 

See that lovely black boot on Ada's leg? She jumped off the bed about 5 weeks ago and sprained her ankle. The pediatrician gave us instructions on how to rest it so it would get better.. but getting Ada Grey to sit still and ice her ankle while wearing a tension bandage.. it just didn't happen. So, after getting x-rays to be sure nothing was fractured in there, the docs decided to put her in this "Wee Walker" boot thing to immobilize  the area and help it rest and heal.. crossing our fingers it only lasts the week or two that they suggested.

We ate our dinner out on the porch tonight and the girls played in the dirt gathering acorns and throwing them at various targets. 

Margot spent most of the time running back and forth on the sidewalk and then coming to the porch to get hugs and a bite of her dinner. Look at the beautiful happy hearted girl. 

Frankie wondered why she didn't get a second bowl of pasta..

 

"Daddy take a picture of my boot!"

Nite nite everyone!

Too Much

There is just too much to write. So much is happening and it is all happening so fast. I am overwhelmed by the thought of trying to play catch up here so.. just gonna hit the highlights. 

The girls are loving school. Here is Margot's self portrait that is hanging in the hall across from the principals office. Margot loves school - loves it. Doesn't want to come home. Has started crying on the way home because she doesn't want to leave. She loves her teachers. They love her. She is learning so much. Her patience with herself and others is increasing incremental each day. School has been the best decision we could have made for the girls. 

Ada is also loving school. Here is her self portrait - that tiny pink figure is Frankie who is always present in Ada's drawings of people. Ada is learning so much it is mind boggling. The child is in love with life. She is in love with learning. She is in love with God and talks about Him constantly. She and Margot both are starting to recognize letters in the world around them and hear when words sound similar. "Hey Mom! Mmm, Mmm Mmmmorning sounds like..  Mmmm, Mmm, Mmmmargot!!!" It's so fun. They are little people. Tiny people that are getting bigger by the minute.

Then there is Frankie. A tiny person who shouldn't be allowed to get any bigger at all .. and yet sitting on her (as lovingly suggested by a friend) doesn't seem to be producing the desired results. She is an angel.. except when she isn't and even then...she is. As Ada and Margot like to say about their baby sister, "We just love her."

I had a birthday. I turned 34. Can you even believe it? Me neither. Sheesh. These are the days right? The girls went with Stephen to the book store and chose books to give me for the big day. I am now the proud owner of TinkerBell (a Little Golden Book) and Barbie Mariposa - A Storybook. I found them both to be riveting. The girls haven't even been introduced to Barbie yet but he said Ada saw that book and was so entranced and excited to give it to me that when he suggested another one she started to well up with tears, declaring the fairy in this book to be so beautiful since she had butterflies on her shoes. They are on my nightstand and there shall remain for the duration of forever.

If you are  friends with me on FB you already know that we also signed a contract on a house on my birthday. Honestly this bit of news is still so enormous that I can't really wrap my mind around it. A house. Our own house. Our house. Our home. It's like when you meet that guy you want to marry and you sit around practicing writing your future name in cursive.. I just keep going over and over the idea in my mind and it just doesn't seem real. And I suppose it won't .. until it is. Couldn't resist this shot of Dad and Stephen  checking out the crawl space. Dry as a bone. Doesn't even smell like dirt which is crazy since it is actually...dirt.

 

I took just a few pictures and I am not sure how ok it is to post them yet but here are a couple that are the least intrusive to the current owners. The house was designed and built in 1965  by a NC State Engineering student. It is in excellent condition but could use a few updates and such. Basically it's a house we can grow into and refine in the coming years.

It is a split level/multi level design and this is the downstairs. Yes that is a fireplace and yes those are glass pocket doors.. it's just so fun. If you come stay with us in the future you will get your own little suite. We are still in shock that the Lord has allowed us to do this. We are not in an income bracket that allows for saving up for a down payment. So thankful for the City of Raleigh and the programs they offer to help families like ours own their own home. 

The craziest thing about all of this is how smoothly it has all gone. I was telling Stephen the other night.. we have had to make almost no compromises and we started out with a bucket load ready to splash at potential homes. The house is a fabulous 60s design.. it has all hardwood floors.. it has 2 1/2 baths - so tough to find in homes this age in our price range. It has a deck off the kitchen.. it has a great shaded yard.. it is almost 2000 square feet?!?! I know we still have the inspections and such ahead of us and something could go wrong and the whole thing could just fall apart.. and I can honestly say I am ok with that. I would be disappointed of course.. but I would be ok because this is so much more than I was expecting in the first place.. I am simply grateful. Grateful to walk this path to whatever conclusion said path holds. Right now it's a signed contract so... ima just keep saying that to myself and be excited.

Heart

The iMac is in the shop so I am tapping this out on Stephen's work laptop with no pictures to include for your viewing pleasure. It has been one hell of a week. If you are FB friends with me you know that we got bad news about out precious puppy this week. Oliver is very sick.

In the wee hours of Wednesday morning we woke to the sounds of Ollie throwing up on the corner of the bedroom. Later that morning he threw up his breakfast. Then as I was leaving to pick up the girls from school, he ran towards the back door, rose on his hind legs and fell back onto his back.. just laying there unable to right himself. When I helped him up he staggered back and forth and then settled down on the floor looking wide eyed and disoriented. I was freaked out by that one. But maybe it was one of those freak things. Then that afternoon as he ran to greet Nana and Papa he did it again. This time he fell over in the grass with eyes rolled back in his head. Stephen picked him up and he peed all over Stephen's leg. Time to call the emergency vet. Blood tests told us something might be wrong with his liver. He would need an ultrasound.

 I brought him back the next day for said ultrasound, having already cried and imagined the worst. First vet took a look and told me he had an irregular heartbeat. So irregular she wanted to have their cardiologist on staff check him out. Both doctors were pretty certain that whatever was wrong in his chest was the cause of the fainting spells and vomiting. An EKG and chest x-ray later a very tender eyed cardiologist ushered me into a back room to chat. The news is not good. She came right out with it instead of beating around the bush. I bust into a storm of sobs at that one sentence. I had known the news wouldn't be good but it just came flooding out. I righted myself and she continued in a sensitive tone. Oliver has a tumor the size of a plum compressing his heart and growing around his trachea. He also has mild heart disease, and arrhythmia and several murmurs in his heart valves. She went through every detail she possibly could, explaining exactly what time of tumor it is and how it developed, how it was affecting him, affecting his internal organs. She was so sweet, so thorough, so understanding. This condition will take his life, she said. We can try to make him comfortable and I think you owe it to yourself and your family to try everything you can. He is not a candidate for surgery. The medication may make him feel better or it may make him feel much much worse. She was amazing. Honestly. Could not have asked for a better or more sensitive doctor. She told me to take as much time as I needed, call Stephen, and when I was ready they would bring him out front and explain the medicine to me. I called, I sobbed again.. I got it together and headed out to the waiting room. He came out wagging his tail and looking tired but curious and eager as ever. Drove home calling various family members to share the sad news.

So here we are.. all of that happened yesterday. Today he has had medicine and though he seemed worse this morning he now seems just like his old self. But it is this behavior that is more troubling than anything. The last thing we want is for him to be in pain. So I did some googling today on how to tell if you pet is in pain from a chronic illness.. turns out he has been in pain for awhile. He hasn't seemed like himself in months. He has all but quit cuddling with us in the evenings, choosing instead to lay on the edge of the couch alone or in his own bed or on the floor or the steps. He struggles when you try to hold him close. He shys away from being petted. He hasn't slept well for a very long time. Waking us up all night changing positions or coming in or out of the covers. Is he in pain? He acts like he doesn't feel great, laying around on the couch or sitting staring into space.. but then 5 minutes later he is jumping up to greet Stephen at the door or trying to snatch Frankie's peanut butter crackers. The doctor said he could die tonight, next week, in 3 months or a year.. there is no way to tell. He could die a terrible traumatic death from internal hemorrhaging or difficulty breathing from fluid surrounding his heart and getting into his lungs. Or he could have a heart attack and die a quick and painless death. The only thing that is sure is that he will die soon and we can either made the choice to put him to sleep, or wait to see what happens. Seeing your dog walking around the house just acting like they always do, knowing they are carrying a huge tumor in their chest like a time bomb is .. agonizing. Do you help them out? Do you let them be? How do you put a dog down that is so beautiful and healthy seeming from the outside? He cycles so fast between feeling bad and seeming to feel ok. It wasn't supposed to be like this. He was supposed to be 14, old and stiff, in pain and ready to go.. it wasn't supposed to be like this. We don't want to risk our girls finding their beloved Ollie dead on the floor.. or have him die a traumatic death in their presence..but how do you do this? At the advice of the doctor today we are going to give it until Monday and see where we stand.

If you are the praying sort, please pray for us. This is definitely the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

The hunt continues

 

So the house hunt is in full swing. We have a price limit and our realtor and I have been sorting through properties in the last week since this whole crazy thing began. I am putting this picture up here because this is my fav today. A wise woman recently told me that the key to home buying is not to get emotionally attached so I am taking that advice. I like this lovely split level home from 1963 that needs quite a bit of cosmetic repairs. I like it a lot. I could see our family living there. So now we have my sweet Daddy come dig around and see if he can find the fatal flaw. Then we reassess and move forward from there.. it's an interesting process to say the least. I am happy to report that I have been finding homes that we like in our price range and in the neighborhood we want to be in so.. those are all very positive things!  Still I am not allowing myself to get emotionally attached to anything. Just pursuing what we like and seeing where each path leads. So that's the update on that. 

We had members night tonight at Vintage. It was exciting, it was convicting, I laughed, I cried.. but I came away feeling like I had been handed a gift. This gift came from some tragic circumstances. Someone formerly associated with our church has done something that has brought great brokenness into their life and the life of their family. I know who the person is but I have no idea what was done. Our lead pastor told us that if we knew this person to please come and talk to them and they could give us more information and answer any questions we may have. He also said that if we didn't know this person that there was no reason for us to have this information. Spot on. Guard your hearts, he said. Guard your hearts against gossip. I am paraphrasing because I wasn't taking notes tonight but it was the admonition to guard our hearts that did it. Folks will tell you not to gossip when something big and ugly occurs. To not discuss rumors amongst yourselves, so much damage can be done that way. I know that. But tonight when he reminded us to guard our hearts, I immediately felt like my heart was wrapped in warmth. Like the Lord had just wrapped a protective shield around my heart. I swear to you... I lost all curiosity. Every bit. I have not a single ounce of curiosity to find out what happened. That is entirely unlike me since I am rational sort who needs to have every question answered. The gift was the freedom from curiosity concerning matters that do not involve me. I am hoping this is not just an isolated incident. Letting that sort of curiosity go by the wayside would save a heck of a lot of wasted time and mental energy. I know that gossip is not a good thing to engage in but I guess I never considered that I would need to guard my heart against it's toxicity. Funny enough my verse for the day was Romans 8:6, "For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace." Pretty apropos, wouldn't you say?

Tangled

Stephen is out of town and I am making Megan's homemade granola which should come with a warning label and an elasticated waistband, and finishing off an old fashioned before I get into bed with Donald Draper..on the Kindle of course. Having the kids on my own for such short amounts of time is always somewhat blissful. Not sure why, but it is. We do what we want, when we want. I clean the house and organize more because I can't relax when he isn't here so I have lots of nervous energy to make good use of. The girls play their extravagant pretend saga games and we typically have a time of true connection between the 3 of us (I will count Frankie once she can consistently say my name). This time has been no different. Of course round about 6pm my back is killing me and I am starting to be a bit shorter in my responses to requests for me to find a particular princess or fairy for the 68,953rd time today (why won't kids keep track of where they put things?! the house isn't that big folks..FOCUS). By the time I got them in bed tonight I was ready for bed myself but I had to sit down and tap out the craziness that has been my mind today. And by crazy of course I mean mind blowingly fantastic since it must have been to get me typing a post tonight after posting one last night.

Ever seen the movie Tangled ?

Well I have. I have seen it many times. It is in the girls collection and is probably my favorite of the "princess" genre. For the uninitiated it is the story of Rapunzel and if you don't know that story you better just Google it because that is so sad I can't even be bothered to link it to Wikipedia here. At any rate, this movie always makes me cry. Every.Single.Time. Baby Rapunzel is stolen away by the bad witch lady just after her first birthday and her parents are devastated. They search for her everywhere but she is not to be found. In her honor they send up a lantern on her birthday every year and everyone in the kingdom follows suit. The sky is filled with these floating lanterns every year on her birthday. Through a series of events, involving one "Flynn Rider"aka "Eugene", she is able to escape her tower and witness the floating lights for herself at long last. It was something she said right before the scene in the picture above that just cut me to the core. She is sitting looking worried in the boat that Eugene has acquired, and he asks if she is ok. She says that she is "terrified". That she has been waiting 18 years to see the floating lights.. and what if it's not everything she dreamed it would be? He responds that it will be and she says "And what if it is?". The movie then takes a pretty typical turn talking about dreams fulfilled and how to find the next one or something. Having watched the movie before my mind wandered after those initial statements, trying to figure out what had been so striking to me. I came to during the scenes in which she sees the lights begin to slowly fill the sky with their splendor. All I could think of was Christ. Christ in my life. How scared I was to really get a good look at what the gospel really is, what it really means. Putting those trite words to the test is a scary thing. Doubting is scary. Easier to sit back and hide the doubt behind perfunctory belief and religiosity. Digging into the gospel is terrifying. What if the more you read the more you doubt and the end result of your efforts finds you more confused than when you started. Where do you go from there? I have been there, and where I went next was simply to Him. What got me thinking today was the idea of the fear in fulfillment. There is fear in the fulfillment of the gospel in my life. What if it's real? What if it really, really is real? What will God do to me? What will He insist on teaching me? How will I suffer for Him? What is coming? How much refining will I go through? I am a person who has seen some refining. We all have. Each one of us feels our own journey has been almost more than we could bear. No one enjoys those seasons of life. Why run towards them? What if the gospel is everything we dreamed it would be? We sit with hearts and minds guarded, shut tight against the trivial pain that this world brings our way. And then we see it.. that first floating lantern of His glory. We can't take out eyes off of it. More are right behind that first and soon the music reaches it's crescendo and our cheeks are wet with tears watching the sky, ablaze with His Glory. His Glory that he longs to share with us. It floats all around us and through us. It is better than a Disney movie! The gospel is truth. A truth whose revelation we shouldn't fear. The light that He has unfolded before my eyes has been blinding. The glory that He has shared with our tiny family has been worthy of my many tears of gratitude. So I sit and wait. No longer timid. I know what this show looks like.

First Day of School

 Today was the first day of school for Ada and Margot. The babies that were just in my tummy bumping around and making me do crazy things like move away from our beloved Brooklyn started Pre-K at Daddy's school today. People always talk about that time flying by thing but can I just say.. whooosh!

Daddy left for school and we put the finishing touches on our backpacks and then loaded into our little red car and headed towards the unknown -aka- the carpool line. Rule follower that I am, I asked at least 3 times yesterday at orientation if it was ok to walk them into class for the first day. Each time I was dutifully told by their teachers to please make every effort to use the carpool line so we can start and keep the precedent for the coming year. We cheered on the way this morning. We prayed for a good day and we thanked the Lord for this incredible blessing of being able to go to this wonderful school. Ada pumped her little fists in the air as we rounded the last turn towards the building and shouted "Thank you God for Pre-K!!!!!!". Thank you God indeed!!! Daddy was there on the curb with their teacher ready to help them down from the car seats. They didn't even stop to say goodbye to dear old mom as they rolled right out of the car. They were old pros from the word go. Praying that continues in the coming weeks as the newness wears off.

I definitely cried. I cried when I picked up the camera this morning to capture the last moments of our life before they became school kids. There go the mornings of letting them stay in their princess nightgowns all morning and playing pretend with those elaborate plot lines. Here come the awesome reports from the days happenings in their classroom with their fabulous teacher. Today I learned that there are a skunk and a puppy in the classroom - but they are not real. I learned parts of a song about being a fisherman and catching fish. I also learned that Ada got to be the leader today. Margot has been speaking in a "teacher voice" since she got home. As in, "Ada. What do we do when we go outside?...... We put on our shoes..right? That's right Ada! We put on our shoes to go outside! And where do they go when we get home? Shhh! Listen... where do they go when we get home? Yes! They go on the shoe rack. That is correct. Good job Ada!". I asked Margot if she might want to be a teacher when she grows up and she nodded shyly and smiled. Asked Ada the same question and I got a resounding "Nope!!!". 

So far the biggest lesson for me in their going to school is about what sort of separation this really is. I have always thought the pain and sadness came from the fact that my kids would no longer be at home with me all day (not much pain or sadness there I gotta be honest here). But true to the pattern that the Lord keeps illuminating in my life, the pain I felt yesterday at orientation was the sting of selfish love. Just a tiny bit, mind you, but that's what it was. The teacher was focused on the girls so intently that I couldn't get her look up at me for a second. Why did I want to break her concentration on my daughter anyway? To have her reassure me that everything was going to be fine? It was strange. I knew that it was right for the teacher to be focused on Margot but I kept thinking about myself. Why isn't she looking at me? Does she not like me? Am I not dressed fancy enough? Then I was struck by the realization that it wasn't about me and though I knew that with my mind my heart had apparently just gotten the message. I realized this was another primary relationship developing before my eyes. Teacher and student. They didn't need me to interpret what was going on. They needed me to stand aside and let that relationship happen. I know I am oversimplifying everything here but what I felt was real and I liked that I was able to recognize it. A tiny, itty bitty step towards their eventual total independence. I am thankful they go in tiny itty bitty steps instead of large leaps. I will get used to this newness and find ways to foster it and encourage it's growth and when the next little tiptoe step comes along I will be ready. This is the part I have been looking forward too and yet had no idea how to prepare for. How do you prepare them to be on their own in life and survive? You step back. One tiny shuffle at a time, and let them step forward. That's my answer for today at least.. ask me in a week or two :)