A First Birthday In Pictures

First Word

Frankie just said her first real repeated word! "Bear" She has said "mama" a few times and "dada" lots and lots but we like to count the first real word as something other than that and something that they will repeat multiple times so.. "Bear" it is!!

Stephen told her that the block she is holding was a polar bear and then repeated "Bear" and she just said it right back. 

"Where's the bear Frankie?" 

It's happening!!!

Strawberry

Can you see her tiny vampire teeth up top? :)

One and 600

Frankie is almost one year old. You heard right. On Wednesday she will have her first birthday. Tonight this knowledge has me looking back at the very first pictures on our camera. With all the drama that surrounded her arrival this was the first time Mom and Dad got to hold her, not wanting to disturb her in the PICU. This picture doesn't show it but in the others my dad has a concerned look on his face, that casts a slight shadow on the joy of the occasion. I am glad that look is there because I had almost forgotten that in this moment, as she looks like she is peacefully resting in Nana's arms, she is struggling. She was struggling. Her stridor was so bad that you could hear it from any room in the house. My sweet father was so concerned about his newest granddaughter that he could hardly bear it as we tried to reassure him that she would be alright. That everything was fine.. which was what we had been told by the doctors when they sent us home. After all, she was eating well and on room air. Her "O Sats" were good. Still Dad knew something wasn't right. And I guess we did too.. a brand new baby who sleeps all the way through the night on the first night home from the hospital.. that is not right. Anyway we all know that in the end she got the care she needed and now she is literally the happiest little baby girl on the planet. I just don't want to forget some of those little things about when she first got here. Like how her Papa's heart just couldn't settle when it came to her. Or how the Lord protected her in those two weeks before she was admitted to Wake Med. How she fought to breathe and eat and grow. How strong she was, and is. The amount of strength it took for that child to breathe and eat at the same time before the surgery... the fact that we didn't see true signs of trouble for the first week home is truly remarkable. She fought so hard and just wore herself out.. and thank goodness she did wear herself out so that we could know to get her the help she needed. But still.. it's the fight that really sticks with me. She was determined then and she is determined now and I pray that she keeps that determination .. and yes I know what that means in the next years for me as her mother.. but I can handle it.

Incidentally, this is my 600th post. So.. that is kind of cool. 

Mother's Day

Mother's Day morning was the bearer of many unexpected gifts. After feeding Frankie this morning, I was holding her so she could stand on my lap while I talked to her and kissed that sweet baby mouth. She put her hands on both sides of my face, looked me in the eyes and then pulled me into her belly for a hug.. her soft little arms hugging tight around my neck.. her sweet head laying on top of mine. It was the best present I could never have hoped for. My first hug from my baby. 

Then I went downstairs to greet everyone else and was met with a treasure trove of goodies from our friend Lonna's shop in Oakland CA. Not to mention a beautiful pancake breakfast prepared by the pancake master himself. I had pancakes with Meyer Lemon Marmalade and Chai Spice infused Sugar in my coffee. I have yet to try the homemade granola or the sugared lavender but I am saving those little treats. 

Despite all my spoiling today has been a rough one for me. My emotions have been a wreck. I am fight depression. I have been cranky every since we came home from Church and snippy with my sweet husband.. which I hate doing. I hate it. I hate being snippy with those who love me most. 

We are facing many unanswered questions right now in our simple little life and though I am fighting to trust in the Lord for the answers .. my initial reaction is to get a case of the "poor me"s. As in... we can't decide which fantastic Pre-K program to accept bundles of scholarship money from and send our kids too.. poor me. We have a car in wonderfully working order (that we were GIVEN) but it seems we need another one in order to live with an ounce of sanity next year and we can't figure out how to make that happen.. poor me. There are 3 folks from Stephen's school who are selling very nice/reasonably priced cars but we still can't find the money for them.. right now at least. Poor me. How ungrateful I feel for the blessings in my life. How blessed I am and what I complainer I have become. The truth is that these are definitely first world problems. I know this. I am painfully aware of this as we contemplate adding a second car to our household. A second car when so many do not have a first car. Still with 5am swim practices looming and Pre-K to become a daily commitment for the girls.. we can't see any way past it. These are grown up problems. Where to send the kids to school.. how to find the money we don't have for another vehicle. I know the Lord is in the details.. I know it. I just can't get my heart to feel it right now. I want to cling to the truth I know is there and remember how He has carried us on his shoulders through the deep parts of the river so many times before.. how easily I forget. I pray tomorrow morning will bring fresh remembrances for my soul and with it peace. I need some peace.. so funny how all I have to do is reach out and take it yet my stubborn heart refuses to budge at the moment. Sigh. Budge heart.. budge!!!

Papa's birthday weekend

 

We spent the weekend at Mom and Dad's celebrating Dad's birthday and an early Mother's Day. 

The girls love swinging on the porch with Papa after breakfast. 

Saturday we headed up to the "River Property" and spent the majority of the day visiting and playing in the woods and water. 

Frankie hugging Daddy. 

It is as beautiful and peaceful as it looks. 

Frankie getting some love from Aunt Margie. 

Sam just needed a little break from the water.. it was a bit chilly that day. 

Huckleberry Ada. No fish but lots of practice casting. 

Light

I posted the following on Stephen's FB wall this morning:

"We are painting this morning. Ada just tried to paint the sun on her picture and got frustrated. She was trying to put yellow all over the picture and it just didn't look right. I told her the little yellow circle she started with looked great and just like a sun. She said "No mommy! The sun is everywhere.. all over the house and the grass.. the sun is light. Sometimes paint doesn't work for drawing light."

She is your daughter through and through."

Truth. 

Evening

Yes.. been playing with Photoshop tonight. 

We waved at the engineer and he blew the horn for us. 

Beach

Me: "Ada can you look at Mommy and smile for just one second? Please?"

Ada: "No mommy. I can't. My princess needs her castle. I'm too busy mama."

Our girls weekend at the beach with Nana was as amazing or better than my best daydreams of how it would go. This is the first time that I was able to get the girls to be excited about playing in the sand and running on the beach. 

I absolutely can not wait for the next trip. This is going to be an epic summer. 

Twins are the best. There's Margot all prim and proper with her hair pulled back and smiling for the camera when asked. And then there's Ada.. hair blowing in her face.. busily digging and in her own world. I love the difference in their personalities. They are perfect compliments to one another. 

Frankie's first time in the pool. We have another water bug on our hands. Not even a whimper. She was ready to swim laps after about 5 minutes. 

Triple Threat. 

And then my camera ran out of batteries. Thought I checked it before we left but it turns out it was the iPod that was fully charged. Blast. We will be back again soon. Let the summer begin!

Our Morning

Frankie is convinced that we need to watch The Today Show in the morning. 

She is super proud of herself for learning this new trick. She thinks that the TV needs to be on when it is off.. and off when it is on. We are hearing a lot of half finished headlines. This child is nearly impossible to get frustrated with. She really is this happy all of the time. 

Every morning after getting dressed Margot spends some personal time in the bathroom choosing her accessories for the day. She emerges bright and smiling announcing to whomever is closest that she is "all ready for the day". Today she took some extra time to get Rabbit ready as well. Our Margot is such a precious tender hearted beauty. 

Then there is Ada. Our wonderful wild and carefree Ada Grey. When I found this dress I knew it was meant for her. She wears almost every day. I do a lot of laundry. Ada won't let you touch her hair. She likes it wild she says. She spends a lot of her day twirling, dancing and twirling... and singing. 

Another few of our morning. They frequently collide in a clump like this.. loving on their baby. 

Ada twirling and Margot dancing like a ballerina on her tippy toes. 

We are all headed for an all girls beach weekend tonight. Nana is coming to get me and my three fairies to whisk us away to Emerald Isle. I might be crazy or out of my mind to do this.. but for some reason it seems like it is going to be fun. I will bring the camera either way to capture the outcome. 

Finally.. the girls have been listening to a lot of classical music lately. My attempt to calm my ragged nerves of late. They love to listen to the music and then tell me what they think the piece is called.. or what it is about. I put the Chopin station on our Pandora and you will never guess which song was their favorite. I give you "Spider in the Bathroom".

Sunday Night

This is not a picture from today, though I sort of wish it was. It's a picture from Easter Sunday. Margot is enjoying watching the fountain. The Bollman family was staying with us that weekend and that always makes everything better. I really wish this was today because it would mean that I got a do-over for the weeks that came after. I could really use a do-over.

The day before this photo was taken, we found out that some close friends of ours were separating. About a week later the husband of another dear friend just up and left her and her daughter. Then somewhere in there yet another couple, one of whom has a continuing battle with addiction, was thrown into turmoil.. again. While I can't pretend that I have been on the phone day and night with any of these women, I will tell you that my thought life has been preoccupied of late. I think of my friend up the street who I know must be hurting and I am desperate to help, but can't do anything other than let her know I am here to talk if she needs me. My friend whom I met for coffee this week, to whom I can only listen.. and offer no real words of advice.. or wisdom. My friend in the town down the road, whom I love so dearly.. hurting.. and all I can do is listen. Pray and listen, pray and listen. There is never a more useless feeling to me than this. All the while I am trying to leave in the hands of the One who knows how to love these friends best. The One who has all of this under His control, though I won't know what that looks like until He is finished with it. That is never easy either. Waiting to see how God will work in a situation. Waiting to see if He will be glorified by a happy turn of events or a painful outcome. My heart aches despite all my efforts to keep from taking the wounds of my friends as my own. It has been a hard few weeks and it doesn't look to be getting any easier any time soon.

Today I am feeling pretty angry, if I am honest.. and I am so.. yeah.. I am mad. I have no idea why really. I have just been lashing out at Stephen all day. I hate that. I lash out and apologize and lash out and apologize. I feel strangled today. I feel overwhelmed and underpaid today. The pre-K drama rages onward. Having not heard back from the school I thought was a sure thing, I applied for Smart Start but won't know anything from them until August. Also we are applying at Stephen's school.. but we aren't sure how that will go yet. And sense it seems to be a post about complaining and whining.. let me just whine for a moment about our living situation. Living in a HUD house has it's advantages. It's many advantages. Like low rent and great maintenance. But there is the constant pressure to get up and get out. Buy your own home. Take classes on home ownership and tell how you plan to buy your own place some day. Here's the thing.. how do you do that exactly? How do you buy a home when you have no money for a down payment on a mortgage? How do you buy a home when you are well below the state median income.. how do you save enough to buy a home when only one of you works? How do you do this? We are happy here, we feel blessed to be here and we do not want for anything. Yet the pressure is always there in the back of my mind. The time ticking away before we will be ineligible to live in this house and will have to move elsewhere. It seems unfair to force people in low income housing to learn how to buy a house.. if we could buy a house .. wouldn't we be doing just that?! This is an argument I have with myself from time to time and now I am having it on the blog so you all get to enjoy my internal banter. We are happy where we are and just as I get super comfortable with our situation, the time comes for me to renew all the paperwork to keep us living here and my world gets thrown into turmoil. Suddenly I feel guilt for not being out looking for a house to buy.. for not attending home ownership classes as I am being encouraged to do. It gets me all flustered every year and this year that flustered feeling just hasn't gone away yet.

There are other things racing through my mind today but I will spare you, dear interweb. Tomorrow I will get up and  I will get my three little girls ready for the day and we will learn things and laugh and giggle until we get the hiccups. I just know we will.

Is this thing on..

Has it really been that long since I wrote anything on here...? Yes, yes it has. This month has been off the chain crazy ya'll. And right now I am about to crash with my boy on the couch but I just wanted to show the world the lovely face painting (hand painting in Ada's case) that the girls had done at the most fantastical birthday party in the history of birthday parties.. that we went to today. I was never brave enough to get my face painted when I was a kid.. look at Margot! She is as brave as they come. 

And just for fun.. yes.. you can, in fact, fit 3 girls in a bathtub. The smallest girl will think it is the most incredible thing she has ever experienced.. even if she gets to experience it every night for a week. The big girls will also think it's amazing because they are amazing big sisters.. the bond between these three never ceases to amazing Stephen and me.

We love you guys. We are all ok its just been one of those crazy months where the time flies with illness and the like and before you know it .. it's almost time for the man of the house to be out of school and home every day. HURRAH!!!!!!!!!

More sooner than later.

IT WORKED!!!!!!!

THEY SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT LAST NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Whatever you guys did out there if you love us even a tiny bit you will do it again!!!!!!!! 

Margot woke up around 10:15 and called for me from her bed. A car had just gone by with loud thumping music. I went up there and she was sitting on the edge of her bed snuffling and said she heard a bump-bump sound. I told her it was a loud car, praised her for still staying in her bed and helped her get settled in again with Button and her "puppet" (her soft has developed a hole in the silky part that she can put her finger in and she now calls her soft her puppet). I left the room praying hard that the Lord would calm her spirit and help her to stay put and sure enough.. not another peep until 5:40 this morning. That's right.. THEY ACTUALLY SLEPT IN!!!!!!! Ada woke up around 6 and the light on the clock hadn't turned green yet (I messed it up last night - fixed it this morning) so she was calling for Stephen because it was starting to be light around the edges of her curtains but the clock wasn't green yet. We actually had to convince her to get out of bed!! I know it's just one night but it was such a drastic change from the last few weeks that we are both so encouraged!! Stephen gladly helped the girls celebrate by making pancakes and bacon for breakfast. 

Here's hoping it happens again tonight. Behold the power of chocolate.. or the loss thereof. 

Sleep

This is how the girls sleep. Margot in matching long jammies with mismatched socks (yes, that is intentional) and Ada in her skivvies. Bright eyed and bushy tailed from another blissfully restful night of slumber.  Here they are enjoying some time with Daddy this past Saturday morning.. or as we refer to it in our home "Chocolate Waffle Day". 

Now, go out and drink 5 double espressos, run 13.7 miles and work an eight hour shift in a wine glass storage facility that employs 13 year old boys who play basketball around the merchandise on their Doritos breaks. Tired? Anxious? Are you so tired you could sleep backstage at a Rage Against the Machine concert without a pillow? Are you so anxious you could adios an entire bottle of Xanax? Aight then. This is how Mommy and Daddy sleep. This month makes the 15th month since we attempted potty training the twins and subsequently caused them to wake during the night over and over and over and over..and over again. Our babies who were the greatest sleepers around just vanished (POOF!!!!!!) in a puff of smoke. We have been down this road before on this blog.. I am too tired to even talk about all the things we have tried to do to "fix".."solve" (?) this problem.  A few months back we reached a mutual understanding. We would set up pallets on the floor of our room every night before we went to bed. At some point during the night they would wake up and come sleep on said pallets. They didn't disturb us, we didn't have to deal with them. It wasn't ideal but it was something we were willing to put up with until this phase was over. Then it all went south again. Now we are having to deal with waking children at 9:30 and 10 at night. They wake up and sneak downstairs, sniffling on the stairs to get our attention. One of us will coax them back to bed .. and the other starts turning out lights and preparing to turn in for the night.. because.. they never, EVER stay put. In frustration we have stopped movies early, and gone to bed, wide awake mind you, so that our offspring could run into our room and lay on the floor and sleep. We have returned from date nights to find both of them up and had to go straight to bed rather than fight with them to stay in bed. This has gone on for the last 3 or 4 weeks. No more. We are tired. We are irritable. We can't get more than 2 hours IN THE ENTIRE DAY to ourselves.. and by that I mean me really. They get up at 5:15am.. they don't nap.. and then they won't stay in their own beds after 9:30. WTF people!? (don't look that up if you don't already know what it stands for..you will be disappointed in me) Do you know how hard it is to spend time with your spouse/best friend/ lover (Ah-HEM!) when the kids could walk in at any moment ? Gettin' old. Gettin' real old, real fast. Actually it's been old.. none of that even makes any sense but I am too tired to use the delete button! See?!?!? 

Latest strategy. If they don't stay in their beds at night.. they lose all desserts the next day. They each have an entire bag of Easter candy they collected from an egg hunt last weekend.. incentive? It was for Ada. She made it the whole night last night without a problem. Margot did not. This is her second day in a row with no desserts and man has it been a doozy. Praying like everything that she will make it through tonight. 

So.... if I have been absent the last few weeks I hope you will forgive me. I have been unwilling to sacrifice the few precious moments I have in my day to the internets. Crossing my fingers that soon this will all be a distant memory. Cross your fingers with us will you? Or pray, or light a candle, or both or all three. Yup. Thanks.