Springish

Look what I found! I buried some bulbs that Mariel sent me last year in this old planter that mom gave me. Nothing happened. I resisted the urge to dump the whole thing in the move and set it next to the porch when we were moving in and the other day I looked down and voila! Springness!! Isn't it pretty??? I hope I haven't signed it's death warrant bringing it up onto the porch. I am known for killing un-killable plants and these are clearly thriving because I didn't know they existed and haven't had a chance to "care for them" yet. Ha! So cheery at the front door!

When I went to upload the flower picture I came across this cute series that Stephen must have taken. Margot, reading Frankie her bedtime story. Look at that big baby. 

She knows what she wants and usually gets it. 

Those eyes.. look away quick! She will have us all doing her homework in a few years!!

Then Ada came to help out. Sorry.. there is nothing cuter than twin big sisters reading to their baby sister. Goodness how I love my wheelbarrow full of girls.

The things my kids say

So I have my head back on a little straighter than that last post. I have realized recently that I am not using this blog to remember things about my girls as often as I used too. Lately the three of them have been growing and changing so fast it is hard to keep track of. Here's a couple of things from this week. 

Ada watching Curious George the Movie (the scene where George and The Man sleep outside in the park): "Mom... Poor Man! George can sleep where ever he is but The Man has to sleep in a house!" 

We are a little obsessed with George these days. Frankie (very enthusiastically) calls him "Gore". The Man in the Yellow Hat is apparently Gore's Daddy. 

The girls asked me in the car yesterday if you could eat a lobster's "pinch". 

Frankie wondered into the kitchen yesterday and saw me putting dinner on the table. She then proceeded to call everyone to dinner - one at a time. "Aya!!! Aya!!" "Go-go!!! Go-go!!!" She would call each person and then go take them by the hand and lead them to their place at the table. It was really adorable when she led the big girls to their seats but when she went back for Daddy and lead him to his I got a little choked up. Sometimes she feels like the glue that keeps our little family so close. We all adore her so much. 

Another fun Frankie fact. When she rides in the car she likes to hold her sisters hands. Sometimes she holds one twins hand while sucking her little thumb. Looking in the rear view mirror and seeing the three of them sweetly holding hands and singing to themselves ... be still my heart. 

Anonymous Me

 Sometimes I get to feeling anonymous in my life. I would say invisible but I know I am seen in these times, I just feel unknown. Anonymous. In these moments I look back at my past in pictures and try to find moments when I was known.. at least to myself.

The girl who was thrilled to have the original fixtures in her prewar bathroom in that tumble down apartment building in Jersey. 

The girl who was happier in her green kitchen in Brooklyn than anywhere else she could dream up at the time. 

The birthday girl in the botanical gardens, crushing on her Stephen. 

The girl sitting next to her sister- in- law on the downtown A. 

The girls whose best friend came to see where, and how she lived. 

The girl who loved her puppy, perhaps a little too much. 

The girl who happened to be in town when baby Maddie was born and was absolutely terrified to hold her tiny body. 

The girl who could see Manhattan from her kitchen window. The girl who was glad it was in the distance. Glad the row houses were up close instead.

The girl who watched her best friend become a mother, and was sure she wasn't ready to be one herself yet.

The girl who sold her last Volvo for scrap metal in Jersey.. but not before scrambling to retrieve the mix tape still in the cassette player. 

The girl who followed the family of geese on their stroll through Greenwood.

The girl with her family in the field in Maine. 

The girl watching Stephen and David playing baseball with lobster floats on an island only reachable by ferry.

 

The girl who didn't go on that Kayak ride with Stephen and Ollie. The one where Ollie was sure he was meant for life on the open sea. 

 

The girl who suddenly couldn't hide the fact that she was pregnant with twins when this belly appeared at 16 weeks... and just kept growing.

The girl sitting at the computer screen tonight has a weary heart. Why is it so easy to feel alone? You can feel alone when you are surrounded by loved ones. Surrounded by friends. Well maybe you can't but I sure can. I do it all the time. I see people I love.. I keep in touch with people I want to love. Then a few unanswered text messages later I am in doubt. Doubt of the relationship. Doubt of whether to speak into that relationship and ask if something is wrong. Doubt is my go to instrument of self punishment and torture. "I must have texted too much and now they are tired of me." "I really should only text when I actually have a question... not just to check in and say hi." "They probably think I only text when I need something and not just to keep in touch." It never ends. I can do no right in these moments. I want to believe that the relationships I think I have are actually as strong as I think. I want to nurture them.. but how to do it without smothering them ? How to be sure that they actually exist in the first place? Faith is all I have. Faith that I am not crazy or that I am and need to get over it. So I try to walk away to keep from feeling hurt. I try to keep my eyes on my own path. But the creeping feeling that always overtakes me is that of anonymity. That I only think I am known to my loved ones but in fact I am known only to myself. If my loved ones really knew me they would know I was suffering and would tell me not to worry about lack of contact .. that they hadn't forgotten me. I know how selfish each word of this sounds. I am keenly aware of that. The shame of my own selfish heart is another thing that keeps me locked in my anonymous box. If I let someone truly know me and they walk away, even for a moment, I won't handle it well. I will selfishly desire for them to help me feel loved, thought about, cared for. I have decided all of this is ultimately a distraction from my relationship with the Lord. A way for me to focus on myself and have a pity party for what I perceive as lack of care from those around me.. when I am adrift in an ocean of care from my Abba Father. When I retreat into me, I retreat from everyone around me.  I lock myself away and wonder why no one has come calling. Come and find me! I seem to be calling to the world at large. Why is it so hard to see that each time I do this I am only hurting myself ? That if I could just keep walking hand in hand with Him I wouldn't have to hide and feel sorry for myself ? Tonight I was fighting a losing battle with that downward spiral. It usually helps to admit to it.

The girl who puts her faith in all the wrong places.