Happy Valentimes! (it never gets old)

Thank you Great Granddaddy and Great Grandmother!!!

Day Fourteen: Heart

Day Thirteen: Blue

Baby Frankie's tiny water glass.

Day Twelve: Inside Your Closet

 

Get it? I'm inside my closet. 

Oh, that's right. I'm one of those pesky rule followers.

(Yikes.)

Day Eleven: Makes You Happy

Kids asleep by 7:30 and dinner alone with my man...

Mercy

I spend a lot of time these days thinking about how to be a better mother. It seems that every evening when I drag to bed I try to soothe myself to sleep with the promise that tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will not be a total wash. I will be a better mom tomorrow. Then tomorrow comes and I start off with an optimism that I can only assume comes with extreme fatigue/insanity and inevitably during the day I have that moment.. that moment where I feel the sting of intense personal failure. A character flaw has reared it's ugly head, in an ugly way, and I have crushed one of my children.

Have you ever crushed a child? The feeling is unmistakable. Like yesterday, for instance, when I caught Ada doodling in my open address book with the pen that I left next to it. My response " Are you KIDDING ME ADA?!?!? DO YOU DRAW IN BOOKS?!? DO YOU?!??! NOOOOOO!!!!! THIS IS MOMMY'S SPECIAL ADDRESS BOOK AND NOW IT IS RUINED!!!!" .. at which point I snatched said book from her hands and crammed it back on the bookshelf. Then I turned and saw her face. Trying desperately to hold back the tears.. absolutely crushed. I crushed my child. I crushed my Ada. If I had taken two seconds to think I would have realized that she is only 3 and a half and that she saw a book that I had been writing in, open with the pen I had been using next to it and she just started doing what she had seen me doing. I would have also recognized that I didn't give a rat's ass whether there were stray pen marks in my address book as it is a tool and not an archival publication. I could tell you all the reasons that I lost my temper. I could tell you that it was 4:30 and they had been nagging me all day, I could tell you that I was bone tired and my back was hurting and .. but I won't. What I did was childish and it was entirely selfish. I reverted to the mind of a 10 year old whose sibling is messing with the arrangement of pillows on their bed (ah-hem John..). I was so far from being a mother in that moment I couldn't even see the street sign. I dropped to my knees and scooped her into my arms and I hugged her and asked her to forgive me for hurting her feelings.. for scaring her. I asked her to pray with me and I prayed for forgiveness. And then..... the guilt set in. In my mind when something like that happens during the day .. the rest of the day (no matter how great it may have been) doesn't matter any more. All I will remember is that moment of failure. I have always been my own worst enemy in that way. Always harder on myself than anyone else could be. Recently our pastor spoke about grace. I know what grace is, I don't just give it lip service.. I have experienced it over and over again. Grace is the reason my maiden name isn't on Facebook. Grace lets you start over, and it lets you do this freely. Our Redeemer has doled out more than my fair share of grace in this life. Still something Tyler said really struck me. He said that those of us who are always so hard on ourselves are putting a limit on God's grace. It's like we are saying that our sin is too great for him to cover, so we are going to wallow around in it and try to handle it ourselves. In reality, he said, our sin is like a single grain of sand to Jesus' ocean of grace. Why not toss that grain in, and walk away? That is what He desires us to do. Stop feeling like a failure, toss your failures into that ocean and walk away and start fresh.. right away. You don't have to work for grace, remember? Not with Him. So I am practicing walking away from my F-Squared moments and leaving the guilt behind as well. Not an easy task let me tell you. But it is getting easier, with practice.. and I get to practice.. a lot.

So then this morning the girls were happily playing upstairs for like, 45 minutes and I took that opportunity to have a quiet breakfast with Frankie and read my "Bible Study" (which is really just me reading through the book of Luke) out loud. I am on chapter 18 and when I read the parable of the Pharissee and the Tax Collector I was struck again by a realization. I am both of these characters. I am the Pharisee who desires control over her life and is proud of her accomplishments and looks down on others. Just being honest folks. It happens. I like to pretend I never look down on others but lets get real, it happens. I am also the Tax Collector. I am standing far off, beating myself up for my sins. I am a sinner. The Tax Collector says in verse 13 "God, be merciful to me, a sinner!". When I read this I immediately thought "God, be merciful to me, a mother!". I know I am a sinner, but in this season of my life what I need mercy for is my role as a mother. I need His mercy as I try to navigate my way through these difficult years that leave me exhausted and unable to remember what I enjoy when I am on my own.. other than a big glass of wine and a box of Krispy Kreme I mean. Be merciful to me, a mother. It is still echoing in my head more than 12 hours later. Be merciful to me, a mother. I ask for His mercy for my crazy short comings and I accept the grace that He offers to walk away from my mistakes being washing clean and able to move on. I am working on not letting one outburst spoil an entire day, working on not limiting that grace. It's a work in progress.

My OCD vs. My Three Year Olds

"Make yours, like mine."

Raleigh St. Clair

If you have never seen The Royal Tenenbaums you won't get that reference. In reality I said mine was just an example and that they could make their flowers look however they wanted too. I had to sit on my hands and bite my lip to keep from offering "helpful" advice. They were beyond excited with the way they turned out and they glued every single piece on all by themselves while I cheered them on while battling my inner nature. I do not want to create perfectionists.. I know that is not really up to me but it is such a handicap to success and happiness in life that I am fighting myself at every turn to keep from pushing them in that direction. I think we are well on our way.

Day Ten: Self Portrait

Day Nine: Front Door

Day Eight: Sun

Photo Credit: Rachel W.

..since I didn't see the sun today.

Day Seven: Button

"Button the Rabbit"

This is the first toy that Margot has named all on her own that wasn't "rabbit" or "baby rabbit" or "blue baby" or something else of that nature. She marched in the kitchen yesterday and announced that this rabbit's name was "Button the Rabbit". I was so excited about the insane cuteness of the name that I probably went overboard laughing and going on and on about how much I loved her name to which she just kept repeating "This rabbit's name is ... Button the Rabbit!!!!" over and over and over. Gotta say it was worth every repetition.

Day Six: Dinner

Two tonight. Up top, the girls seeing Stephen coming down the street to pick them up for Daddy-Daughter Date Night at Chick-fil-A. Down below, dinner. I am told there was a string quintet (yes, quin as in 5) and the real Sleeping Beauty was there as well. They were so excited and tired when I read them bedtime stories tonight that they fell asleep during the third book and I had to carry them to bed.. it has been years people.. years since I carried a sleeping twin to bed.

Day Five: 10 am

Day Four: A Stranger

Me with Maddie the day(day after?) she was born. Way before kids of my own. Kind of a cheat but a clever one, wouldn't you say?

Day Three: Hands

Friday. Bourbon, rocks.

Frances

Frances Pauline is eight months old now. Where did the time go....

At 8 months, she can sit on her own, zombie crawl, sit up from crawling, feed herself, and today she started waving and saying "Ba-ba" which we are all taking to mean "bye-bye". Frankie you are our beloved. Your sisters adore you, your father and I are head over heels in love with you... you are precious to us and we can not imagine life without you in our family.

You are absolutely the happiest baby I have ever known. All you do is smile. You play with your toys on your own and smile. You feed yourself puffs and crackers and smile. You see your sisters and beam. Sometimes when I am working in another room, I hear the sound of a baby belly dragging across the floor and I turn just in time to see you peak your head around the corner, see me, and smile. It is so easy to make you laugh. The only time you get fussy is when you are ready for a nap.. and then you only cry out a few times or make a sad face and we know it's time to let you rest. You are a thumb sucker. And it is A-Dorable. When you are getting sleepy you suck your left thumb and you hold my hair or my ear and put your head on my shoulder. You love your strawberry lovey and hold onto that and suck your thumb if it is around. You are just so darn cute! We think you might be a red head or at least an auburn head.. but we will have to wait and see on that one. I love you with all my heart. You are my gracious gift and I do not take that lightly. I am oh so thankful to be your mama.

Day Two: Words

Truth

This is truth. Can you see it well enough? No?

How about now? My favorite part is that it is 10:23 AM and the topless muffin beside the dead bananas and empty yogurt cup.

Truth. My girls all ready for the day.. beautiful.. wanting me to take a picture of the muffins we baked this morning. Me anonymous behind the camera in my jammies. 

This is my truth this morning.

Day One: My View Today

February Photo A Day

A FB friend of mine is doing this.. so I thought I would give it a try here.

This is why..

..I love Stephen's school. Just some guys, having a formal breakfast in some girl's parking space.

These boys were in Stephen's advisory his first year here in Raleigh. I can't begin to tell you how much I am going to miss hearing about their random antics. I so needed a smile/laugh this morning.. and there it sits! Thanks guys.

Boone.. belated.

We went to Boone last weekend.. to see our friends.. but also..

..to play in the snow.

Margot mostly ate it.

Thanks to the amazing snow suits from Nana.. she stayed toasty warm anyway.

Look Mama, I am eating snow.. more snow!

Love this picture. Wheeeeeeeee!!!!! Ada was too afraid to go down. Go Margot.

And then there was Daddy.. There he goes...

..here he comes.. that was fun.. wait..

..still going! Ahhhhh!!!!

Man down. Or.. up?

There. Now he is up.

I completely forgot to pack any of Ollie's winter gear. Poor little shivering pup.

..and after all that cold and snow.. how about some hot chocolate and a nice warm lunch.. and then a movie? Yes please.

PS: can you BELIEVE that we have SIX GIRLS between us?! Seems like only yesterday we were headed to Kentucky for your wedding J and M. Crazy town.

Last but certainly not least.. there is just-woke-up-from-a-nap Frankie and Mommy.

A great weekend with even greater friends.

Bingo.

Can you find the Stephen?

Naturalists

Recently overheard:

Ada while holding a bowl between her legs: "Look! My chicken hatching an egg!"
(so glad this blog is private so I can record these sorts of statements without worry)



Me after hearing sucking noises coming from the living room: "Margot what are you doing?"

Margot (holding her baby horse to Ada's horse's undercarriage): "I drinking milk!"

Ada: "Get away baby! A princess riding on me! (chucks Ariel figurine over her shoulder) Ok! I ready now.. come get milk under my breast!"

Family

These days our home is divided into families. Pictured here is our elephant family. This is one of our international families in residence, being composed of members from Africa, Paris, and Seattle.

The princess family has stolen the Little Tykes family van... Again.

"Take a picture of me and my bunny, please Mommy!"

I sort of love all the families in the house. The ladybug family, the bumble bee family, the rabbit family.. the ladybug family is probably our largest and most physically diverse family. It is comprised of a pillow pet, a star projector thingy, a puppet, two flashlights, a bath sponge, a rattle, a wheely bug (the daddy who rarely visits as he lives in the storage room outside), and two jump ropes with lady bug handles. The only dicey thing about having so many family units is that if one is in play, all members must be present.. and those of us (Frankie) who are attached to certain members of said families are not fond of having our rattles snatched away at a moments notice because mama rabbit is calling baby rabbit to dinner.