So I have been thinking alot lately about babies.. more specifically the fact that everyone I know seems to be pregnant with them or raising them..wanting them... having them... there are alot of babies around right now. Even though they are at a distance - not right here in my building - it still feels funny sometimes. Here I am alone in my apartment with Stephen and my puppy - happy. Is that wrong? I am going to be the oldest of my friends to have kids, whenever we do have them. I know that everything has a time and a season and this is not our baby season but everytime I hear that someone else is pregnant.. I get really confused and I have a hard time deciding how to feel about it. I am always happy for the person and wish them the best but I guess what I mean is that I have a hard time because I start to feel like I am doing something wrong. Like I am on the wrong track because I don't have a baby yet and we are not really planning on it right now. If it happens it happens but.. it's not something we are really in a place to do right now. People always say that you are never really ready for a baby - you just have to jump in with both feet and everything else will work out. I guess I have a hard time with that because we jumped into married life with both feet and though everything has been great and worked out - it has been a difficult journey getting Stephen through school and moving to four different states in less than 5 years. Now that he has graduated and is on the road to getting a more permanent job and submitting work to the gallaries around here..it just feels like we are starting from ground zero. Like we finally can relax and start the life that was on hold for the MFA. That's a great feeling - like you are on a second honeymoon or something. The only catch is that I am not 23 anymore and every day that goes by - another friend has a child or a 2nd child... why do I care so much? Well..all of my friends are great.. they never make me feel like an outsider because I don't have a kid yet. But the truth of the matter is - no matter how great they are or how sensitive and laid back.. I am going to feel like an outsider - because I am. I don't know what it's like to have a baby kicking my insides or feel the pain and joy of childbirth. I don't know how happy you feel when your child smiles at you or says their first word. I know that I get really excited about cuddle with Oli on the couch!!! The plain truth is that when a couple has a baby they cease to be the couple that can go out for coffee at any hour or stay out late to see a movie. They have a child to care for. A child that they love caring for and are seriously in love with. It's just different. Lonely. I hope all my friends with kids don't get offended by this post because you should know I love each and every one of you like crazy and your kids too!!! It's just.. been on my mind alot so I felt like sharing - and I can't sleep so I tend to share odd subjects when I am up late like this. Anyway - one day I will get pregnant and have my own baby and someone I know will feel like things have been forever changed.. but for now.. I will just wonder if I am being selfish enjoying my life with Stephen and the dog up here.. or if we should be jumping on the baby band wagon...it's a tough one to actually think on.
13 comments:
Hey Sarah,
Don't worry. You're not the only one :) I'm in the same boat, and it's taken me a while to realize that the "plans" I had for my life are not God's plans. I always told myself that I wanted to have kids before I was 25 (as if 25 was over the hill), and here I am at 27 pushing 28 and baby-less. I've pretty much stopped worrying, stopped planning, stopped feeling guilty, and started to enjoy the life God has given me with my husband. Who says that you have to have kids right away? What's right for other couples may not be right for us right now. I say enjoy your time together as a couple. We've got plenty of time for babies :)
Hi Courtney,
Thanks for the encouragement! It's nice to know that there are others out there :) I felt the same way when I was younger - wanted to have my kids by 25 as well. What is up with that? I remember actually feeling sorta freaked out when I turned 26 with no kids in the works :) So good to hear from you :)
I'm definitely up for forming a non-baby crew :) I too am surrounded by friends with multiple babies and it's sad but we've sort of lost something that we had as friends pre-babies. I just can't relate to them. I definitely feel left out and kind of freak-ish! We've got to stick together :))
I agree with you Courtney! kidless sisters unite! :) too bad we are all spread out around the globe right now. Thank God for these blogging things :)
Alrighty Ladies...Coming from the super baby-making family, I just want to say that I think you're doing great Sarah. I think it's normal to feel the way you do - I felt the same way. I had all these younger siblings having kids way before me but I knew I wasn't ready. I had Jack when I was ready and it was perfect timing for us. I look back on certain times in my life and I don't want them back but I wish I'd enjoyed them more fully. There was always a part of me wanting what I have now. Don't feel bad enjoying your life exactly the way it is at this time because it will change and you should treasure this time with Stephen and being able to go out for coffee at any time. I know plenty of couples who don't regret having kids but were so in a hurry and now they wish that they'd waited a few more years to just spend time with each other. They don't know why they were in such a panic to have kids. The time will come and if you're worried that you won't have anyone to be pregnant with, don't - I'm sure my family will be procreating years down the road. You'll be a great Mama when the time comes and it will feel good to be at peace about it.
I've been wanting to write you for a long time. You have been so good to me with awesome presents for Jack, your kind words, etc. Thank you! More from me hopefully soon. I'm so way behind on getting in touch with people I love but I think of you and I'm so happy you have a blog now! I'll be checking in. Hugs from Germany...Love ya girl!
You guys all rock so hard!! Here I was all frustrated and feeling low and not only do I get comments from two amazing ladies in the same boat - but the queen of motherhood - the gypsy herself :)
So encouraging to hear what you had to say Michelle. It's so nice to have the reassurance from someone who has been here. Ginormous hugs to all from a very rainy NYC...
Sarah S.- I would most definitely cherish this time you have with Stephen and Oli right now. You guys are really just getting going considering what the MFA hurdle put you through. I think you both need to take advantage of this new freedom before moving on. Honestly, it is kind of scary to think of all the things we'd be doing right now if we didn't have Moriah and one on the way. Knowing Jer, we'd be in NY with you guys, either that or abroad. We wouldn't change our circumstances for the world with our kids, but we know that it is a sacrifice and kind of bittersweet to have a family at such a young age. We love you girl!
Thanks for your comment Michelle. It't nice to hear all of this and has really made me alot more at ease about the whole thing - was getting myself worked up over nothing :) Hope you guys are well!!! Thanks for the birtheday message for Stephen - he keeps meaning to call back :)
Sarah, I understand you well. I am the only one of my sisters that remains unmarried, and of course without any children. It feels lonely, and it makes me feel left out. I remember hiding in the bathroom and crying during Jamie's reception...Now all of them but Jamie are pregnant and with kids. I love the munchkins with a passion, and when I feel I couldn't love anyone as much as I love them, one more comes along, and I realize that I sure do have more room. I feel anxious most of the times when I think about being 24 pushing 25 and without a prospect. I agree with Courtney; my plans are not God's, and I hope that He can work through me as I continue on this lonely journey. Embrace this stage in your life with Stephen because one day you will wake up surrounded by kids hoping you could remember how it felt to be alone. I love you and wish you well.
Love you too Lica. Couldn't have said it better myself. Thanks for the words of encouragement.
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