This one of those posts that I may regret but in the spirit of being honest on this thing ...
I am in a foul mood this morning - super cranky and grumpy and just plain annoyed. How could one be annoyed on such a morning ? It's cold outside and rainy and warm indoors.. the perfect day to stay in bed late and hang out around the house. It's also Sunday and Tim is teaching today. We woke up a little late and Stephen jumped up and took his shower, dressed and ate his breakfast. I laid around in bed trying to decide if I wanted to attempt to get ready for Church in 15 minutes - completely doable if I skipped the shower. What I really wanted to do was stay indoors and watch Pride and Prejudice, or similar, with some coffee and Ollie curled up on my lap. I did not want to go out into the nasty 30 degree rain and leftover sleet to walk to the train, ride the train, then walk the 10 blocks in Manhattan to Church...in other words I am a self centered, selfish little jerk. I pouted and checked the weather on the computer, felt the window to see how cold it was.... asked Stephen a million times if he thought I was being a bad person if I stayed home - to which he consistently replied that he thought I would be missing out but he was not going to give me a hard time about it - appropriate response. Guilt was seeping out of my pores. With 10 minutes until he was to leave to catch the train, I started pulling on clothes, brushed my teeth and promptly had a meltdown. "I am cold, I am tired, it is icy and RAINING out there.. I don't WANT to go!!!" Of course no one was forcing me to go.. I could have very easily made the decision to stay in a calm and adult manner, but I chose to be a complete baby about the whole thing, leaving Stephen to head to the train with a deep sigh and (I am sure) a bad taste in his mouth. I am such a jerk. The truth is I NEED to be there, I NEED to hear Tim's teaching, I NEED the fuel and the encouragement of being amongst fellow believers, but instead I am a selfish girl who decided to have a temper tantrum because (rightfully so) no one would help me justify my staying home this morning. Now instead of just feeling guilty about staying in.. I am also feeling angry at myself for being such a horrible mean person. I can't even enjoy my "quiet morning indoors". I woke up this morning on the wrong side of the bed anyway...now I just feel terrible inside.
Last night, we decided to stay in, instead of going out to eat for our anniversary. It was so nasty outside and our neighbors were throwing a dinner party so we decided to attend that instead. The party was amazing. Just 10 of us including 2 little boys and the other couples were friends of theirs that we were acquainted with as well so I wasn't as shy as I normally get at these things. We sat talking and listening to everyone talk about their kids and their lives here in the Slope and community involvement (everyone belongs to the co-op), their familiarity with Brooklyn artists and writers and the galleries they are working with currently. The longer I sat there the less I had to contribute to the conversation. I know of no Brooklyn illustrators.. I didn't even know that it was much cheaper to own a house in Brooklyn than in New Jersey ($1200 a year in property taxes as opposed to $12,000 across the river). One couple talked about how when they first moved here they figured they would try it for a year and if they went broke, they would just go back home. Everything is still working out so they are still here. They own a house in Carrol Gardens (I think) with an apartment that they rent. They have one little boy and another baby on the way. I am sure they sort of got it together as they went along but ... sitting there.. I just felt like such a stinkin' loser. I am not involved in the community, I am not even really involved in my Church (other than my spotty attendance) .. I just feel like I am floating in midair with no roots and no attachment, even though I love everything about Brooklyn and the people here... I am so afraid that we will have to leave when we have a baby that I think I am afraid to get attached...I don't see any way we could stay. I can't imagine putting my baby in daycare here and trying to continue working ...I am afraid I would be bitter about it.. but since I make the most $$ right now.. and Stephen is still working on finding full time work.. it seems inevitable. The thing is... most people around here do that. It's pretty normal for both parents to work and for kids to be in daycare and pre-pre K...Why can't I/we make a choice in where to lead our lives ? I think that I want to move home to the South to be closer to family and to reduce our cost of living so that Stephen would have more of a chance to actually be able to support us... but I am afraid that once I got there I would hate it. Afraid I wouldn't fit in again - I never fit in growing up there. Afraid I won't find like minded people to be friends with...there are so many things that I dislike about the Southern mindset.. there are also many things that I love about it.. Why can't we just decide try to stay here ? .. Why can't I commit to that..? I hate myself for not having a real direction in my life and for failing to be invested in my surroundings... I am content to keep within my own small circle of acquaintances and normalcies. I hate that about myself. I feel like I don't have the energy to be really involved but I also don't feel fulfilled in my current state so... I am here so that I don't have to lead a plastic, cookie cutter existence and that is exactly what I am doing. Stephen and I have talked about this entire topic so much that I think I might explode if I have to discuss it again.. the end result being that we will "stay the course" until we feel that we should take a different path. We pray constantly that the Lord will direct our path and give us clear signs as to which direction to take... I am 29 years old for crying out loud!!!!! Why do I feel like I am still 23 drifting through life, waiting for some direction to descend on me. I don't even have a baby on the way so I can't even let the choice be made for me... how is it that so many of our friends got pregnant by chance without really having to choose to start trying and we have been married for 6 years and have never really had a serious scare..? I just feel like I am wasting my time...going to work, coming home, falling asleep only to have to wake up and go to work again... and now that I have fully worked myself into a depressed frenzy.. I am going to lie on the couch and watch P&P and soak in my guilty conscience :*(
6 comments:
Hello Sarah,
I don't know if you remember me, i am Stephen's friend from Ringling, Jen Nicholls. I am a reader of your blog, and being 29, living in Philadelphia and being away from my country home on a river in Maryland- I feel your pain. I own a home with my boyfriend of 4 years, but I am still unmarried, childless, and floating. I think you just happen to be surrounded by people who seem further along than you in life, but the reality is that you and Stephen have your own pace- and it works for you. It's not like you two are going about life not thinking about what the lord has in store for you. I think sometimes the Lord wants us to just make a choice- instead of making excuses that we we can't "hear" him, and inside you know if you should move, or shouldn't. Sometimes it take more courage to NOT be afraid and just do it! Don't be scared of what could or couldn't happen, because you have your faith, each other and Ollie to make you feel at home anywhere you are! Side- note: sometimes I think God wants us to stay home a lone, because it helps us reflect on our need for him even more than if we went and felt good about it. Sometimes! Okay- I am done!
Of course I remember you :)
Thanks, Jen. I feel like a broken record sometimes and it makes it so much easier when others can sympathize and say so.
Hi Sarah,
You don't know me - I stumbled onto your blog awhile back and have sort of been a lurker. But after reading this post I felt inclined to say hi and thank you for being so honest. I have been feeling so, so similar to what you wrote. Maybe it is an age thing - being anywhere close to 30? that makes us take stock of our lives so closely? Whatever it is, it is maddening at times. My husband and I are in the middle of a very similar situation right now - and it sounds cheesy but I guess I just wanted you to know that you aren't the only one who has those thoughts. Hope your day gets better! I know it will:)
Hi Sarah,
This seems to be a trend, but you don't know me, I'm a friend of your friend Ellen. I catch myself lurking around your blog sometimes (isn't it awesome to learn of new readers?!) and I enjoy it. I lived in Jamaica, Queens from 2002-2004, while I served as a Baptist missionary. It was hard, painful, and sometimes quite honestly, a living hell. However, I fell madly and deeply in love with that City and the way of life that is so different from ours here in NC. While there, I grew very shy & inward, in spite of my attempts otherwise. I was very independent in the city, and more often than not relied on my own strength more than Christ's. I don't know if this helps you or not, but I just needed to say to you, "I understand." Oh boy do I understand!! I wanted so badly to just be able to "settle" while I lived there. I yearned for my own privacy, my own home, my own space as opposed to the revolving-door of roommates that I had for two years while living in a Missionary house. I supplemented my meager earnings by working part-time in a local daycare, which I LOVED and thrived from. (I don't know how so many of those parents do it. It takes so much courage & strength to raise children in that city, I noticed.) Still, after my two year appointment in ministry came to a close, I was left with the decision of whether to stay up there in the City I somehow grew to love, or to return to the cornfields of NC that had been my home. Afraid to live in NY outside of the umbrella of ministry, and not knowing how I could possibly make it on my own there, I returned to NC. I don't regret the move at all, and life in NC is full. But I miss NY immensely; I miss the culture, the possibilities for being open-minded, and the friends that I acquired while I was there. It was (and still is) very gratifying to know that I know the nation's biggest city quite well; that I feel completely safe & independent to wonder the streets alone, (of course with common sense) and that I too can wear that sad, depressed Subway Face to ward off evil! :) I know you can relate to that, because you're living there now, and even though some days are harder than others, I'm sure that you constantly find things about the City that you love and that amaze you. My point to all of this is to say that I know how hard it is to live up there, especially to be a non-native New Yorker and live there. You & Stephen are doing a great job, and if nothing else, you're accumulating a plethora of stories & adventures to share with your Grandchildren & future families. In a way, I envy you. :) Hang in there, even when the snow is up to your thighs & the trains are 20 minutes late & packed tighter than Spam when the doors open. Hang in there. God's got you where He wants you, there is a reason, and He's given you all the strength you need to endure. And if all else fails, there's a Starbucks on every corner! :) (Though I grew to love Dunkin Donuts while I lived there!) (I always needed something to accompany me while I was on the F train!) Take care!
Hi Elsa :) It's nice to meet you. Thank you for your sweet encouragement. You were right - my day did get better.
Hi Wendy,
I too read your blog occasionally :) I remember seeing you and Jonathan around campus at Campbell - I was the silent cranky girl who never got involved in anything with BSU or otherwise ;)I did work for the intramural department but that doesn't really count as involvement, no matter how much I told myself that it did.
Thanks for your kind words - it is certainly sweet to hear from someone who loves NY as much as I do, and understands how difficult the decision to stay or leave can be. Maybe the next time you guys come for a visit to Queens, we can grab a cup of coffee :)
Getting together would be so awesome! And there's nothing better than a coffee date in the City. I feel so homesick now! Crowds aside, isn't this the most awesome season to be up there?! I was greatly amused my first year there when I saw them selling Christmas trees on the street corners. I even saw Harry Connick, Jr perform outside of Bloomingdales one Christmas season there. I have a picture of him looking straight at me, and I truly wasn't that far away from him. (Of course, that may not mean a whole lot if you don't like his music!) Anyway, I'm rambling...perhaps I forgot this isn't my blog! Ha! Take care! :)
Post a Comment