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I set out to write a more serious post today but as you can see from my two previous attempts this evening, I am having difficulty concentrating. This will be my 3rd and final attempt to say what is really on my mind.

I got a call last night from my brother, John. I was already asleep so he left a voicemail, which I retrieved this morning, letting me know that he would be in the city today on business and would I have time to get together before he had to head back to Florida with the rest of his management team. I called him back to let him know that I would make myself available and that he could call me when he was ready and I would meet him wherever he was.. as long as it wasn't too far from Rock Center, I do abide by the 1 hour lunch rule at my office. I left another voicemail a little before lunch time, reiterating my interest in getting together. I carried my cell phone with me to the copy room, the kitchen, the conference room to listen to the caterer give his pitch for the tasting we had scheduled today. I trudged back to my office afterward feeling like he might not be able to meet up anyway, maybe he wasn't able to get a free moment. It was already after 2:30 so I threw myself back into the expense reimbursements I had been generating for the fall call-back students. My phone buzzed, startling me as it always does (I should really change that setting). It was him. He and his work friends were headed to Bar Americain on 52nd between 6th and 7th, very near my office, and would I like to meet them there. I dropped everything. I was in the middle of sending a reimbursement request to another law firm and I had to force myself to finish putting it in the envelope before grabbing my tote bag and bolting out of the office. I wore my heels instead of changing into my walking shoes, since it was so close by. I called Stephen to announce that I was on my way to meet John and that I might need to work a little late tonight to make up for the extra time that I might end up spending with him, constituting an extended lunch break. Stephen was amenable as always and asked that I give his greeting to John. I hurried along the sidewalk, finally reaching the flimsy brass revolving door and pushed my way into the empty restaurant. I tried to explain to the hostess that I was there to meet a party that was already seated and that they may not have had a reservation, all the while glancing around for any sign of my little brother. I saw his group in the corner, his back was to me. He turned and rose from his seat, calmly walking over to give me a hug around the shoulders. I wanted to grab him in a bear hug and drag him out of that midtown hell-hole to a bench in the park where we could sit and visit, just the two of us. Resisting this urge, I followed him back to his table and proceeded to make small talk with his colleagues until they began to talk amongst themselves and we were able to visit a little, one on one. He gave me the latest update on Mariel and Zin and explained the event that he and his team were here in New York for. I sipped my Coke while he discussed his options for using up his remaining vacation days before the end of the year. He can't take off in November or December so he has the few remaining days in October to use up the 5 days he has left. He sat there talking to me.. talking to his work buddies... In his navy suit and pale blue tie. My brother, here in New York for the day. My brother in midtown eating lunch. John meeting me for lunch in New York. It was so surreal. I never see my brother and to spend unexpected time together was hard to grasp. Before I knew it we were saying goodbye outside on the sidewalk and I was teetering my way back to the office. Back to my everyday. Back to those people that I spend more hours with than my family. Back to tiptoeing around bad moods and feigning polite interest in the wellbeing of those returning from extended medical leave. These are the sort of days that make me feel caged. Caged in my tiny windowless office (yes, I have an office now.. but no window). Caged in my highrise in midtown Manhattan. Caged in New York. Caged in the subway, I actually had an attack of claustrophobia on the way home tonight. I feel trapped on days like this. I don't really know why. Normal people meet their siblings from out of town for lunch and then head back to work when their hour is up. That is a normal thing to do. Somehow that sort of departure from my everyday rattles me out of my dazed existence and reminds me that I am not at home. I am painfully aware that I am not a New Yorker and reminded of the fact that I can't just drop in on my family whenever I feel like it... thankful that John had the opportunity to drop in on me.