Notes from the cave

10 points if you can find the baby in this picture! The migraines are back. Sigh. So I am living without ice cream and butter and still getting the blasted things. This falls under the category of unfair in my world. Life is unfair right? Right.



So life the last two weeks, between my fight with depression and my fight with recurring migraines that I don't want to acknowledge, has been a bit dim. The blinds have been closed more than I like to keep out the beautiful bright sunshine.. and help me keep the nausea at bay. The girls have decided that they love to wear their nightgowns now instead of just panties. This is an improvement because at least they are covered. Too bad they won't wear them at night! They are so proud of themselves for putting them on on their own, and they tell me how beautiful they look in their "princess ballerina dresses" that I can't resist letting them have this little luxury. I am thankful they understand that they aren't allowed to wear them out of the house so that is a fight that we don't have to wage.



Margot is a hoarder. Can you guess which crayon cup is hers? I find little stashes of toys in every cabinet and bag that she can get access too. I am sure I am over thinking this issue but of course I wonder... does she get enough individual attention? Does she have enough things that are just hers? Or is she just a selfish sinner like the rest of us? My heart has been really burdened for her lately.. praying for ways to get into that little heart of hers. Mostly the answer has been to just shower her with love and affection.

And now.. I have to go pack up for our trip tomorrow. We are going to New York. Yes at long last we are going back to the city. We will only be there for a couple of days and we are leaving the big girls here with mom and dad.. but I am excited and nervous. Can't decide if I am more excited or more nervous but either way.. I can't wait.

Yes

You can just make them out but yes, those are Frankie's first pig tails. Oh my goodness having a girl with straight hair is going to be just as fun as having girls with curls!



Precious right? I know!!!



Ada and her baby sister. These two have a special bond brewing.

At long last

Sweet Larry finally got to meet our newest munchkin. I heard the first thing she did when she saw her grampapa was to grin from ear to ear. Pretty sweet.

NC State Fair

Grammy and Grampapa came with us to the State Fair again this year. They were here for the fair last year too. Can you even believe how much they have changed in a year?



Just barely two last year.. You can just see my tummy starting to show a little Frankie growing in there.



Ada was just as fascinated with the animals as last year.



Margot loved the food just as much as last year..



..and finished every bite.



Sort of crazy seeing the pictures of me pregnant with Frankie last year and there she is.. riding on the outside this year.

Stephen and I didn't go alone this year. Maybe next year. Maybe not.

Ten Years

Ten years ago this past summer.. I went to Great Outdoor Provision Company in Greensboro and bought a pair of Lowa hiking boots for my trip to Montana. These shoes were on my feet when we arrived at the KOA in the June snow and I realized that we would be living next to a cesspool with a fountain in the middle of it. Tears fell on the laces when we were lost and exhausted in the grizzly recovery area later that summer. They were splashed by the streams flowing in and around Yellowstone as Stephen and I explored that summer. And they were trembling on the sandy ground when Stephen asked me to marry him by that lake in Idaho. I wore them with pride on camping trips in the Blue Ridge. I tied them on tight when we packed the trailer for New Jersey and I wore them with pride while we unpacked. I started to notice that not many folks in Bloomfield went tromping around in hiking shoes. These loyal shoes made way for high heeled boots and more trendy ballet flats in the closet in Brooklyn. They were always there, peaking out from under my shoe rack. Waiting for me to return to my roots.

Then we were in NC again. Pretty sure I have worn them at least once since we moved here.. but not much more than that. That was more than three years ago. I don't even have a plausible excuse for not going on more hikes since we have been here. It breaks my heart when I think of the mountains just sitting there.. waiting. My shoes.. sitting there.. waiting. Waiting for me. What have I been waiting for? More gas money to get there.. more time to drive there.. more energy to get the five of us up there.. there is always something I seem to need more of.

Last weekend I dug these old shoes out of my closet and decided to wear them to the State Fair. They would be good sturdy shoes to tromp around the Fair in. They weren't. Within minutes of getting through the front gates they began to fall apart. The soles were coming off and they flapped like a big tongue catching on the sidewalk when I tried to walk. I begged some duck tape off some good ol' boys in the Heritage Village. Patched them up. Walked on. An hour or so later the soles were so far gone that I could no longer continue and had to sit, laughing, on a bench while Stephen went to find another duck tape donation. This time I went for broke. I wrapped that tape every which way around those shoes.. willing them to become duck tape moccasins. Ignoring the looks I got plunking around in these pathetic things. Laughing at my predicament. They stayed on my feet and once I took them off in the car I was ready to throw them right in the trash can. But I just couldn't do it. They have sat in my kitchen for a week now. I actually felt a pang of regret when I tossed them just now. Why was it so hard for me to let go of this part of my past..? I feel sort of lost without them and I don't know why. All sorts of metaphors could be drawn from this story. Not in the mood for metaphors. Just sad about losing my shoes. Sad, and missing my old friends.

Behind Bars

Well.. here we are. Cut off from the interweb at large. I must say I feel less exhilarated about posting here now. At least at this moment I do. I think I kind of liked that strangers might happen upon this little corner of the world. But since not one single person commented about my taking it private.. and I only got emails from my friends who wanted to keep reading... I guess I was mistaken about all the strangers reading.. or at least interested enough in reading to want to keep reading. Feel so good about keep my girls pictures among friends though. So good. Not saying that I will be sharing any bath pictures or anything... but if I did.. I think it would be ok. Love you guys!

***GOING PRIVATE***

I am taking this blog private. I have decided that I don't want the public at large viewing pictures of my kids and as much as I like to think I know everyone who reads this little blog, the truth is I don't. The internet is a big scary place and I am no longer ok with having my girls' pictures out in this big scary place. That being said, I love each and every one of you folks who have stuck with me through posting and not posting and I would love to have you continue reading and keeping up with us.. if you want too! So I am going to leave this post up until Tuesday, and if you would like to be included in those who will be able to read the blog once it is private.. please email me. For those who don't already have a way to contact me, you can find my email address by going to the right hand side of this page, clicking "VIEW MY COMPLETE PROFILE" and then clicking "Email" under the "Contact" heading. Thanks everyone.