Sunday, April 29, 2012
This is not a picture from today, though I sort of wish it was. It's a picture from Easter Sunday. Margot is enjoying watching the fountain. The Bollman family was staying with us that weekend and that always makes everything better. I really wish this was today because it would mean that I got a do-over for the weeks that came after. I could really use a do-over.
The day before this photo was taken, we found out that some close friends of ours were separating. About a week later the husband of another dear friend just up and left her and her daughter. Then somewhere in there yet another couple, one of whom has a continuing battle with addiction, was thrown into turmoil.. again. While I can't pretend that I have been on the phone day and night with any of these women, I will tell you that my thought life has been preoccupied of late. I think of my friend up the street who I know must be hurting and I am desperate to help, but can't do anything other than let her know I am here to talk if she needs me. My friend whom I met for coffee this week, to whom I can only listen.. and offer no real words of advice.. or wisdom. My friend in the town down the road, whom I love so dearly.. hurting.. and all I can do is listen. Pray and listen, pray and listen. There is never a more useless feeling to me than this. All the while I am trying to leave in the hands of the One who knows how to love these friends best. The One who has all of this under His control, though I won't know what that looks like until He is finished with it. That is never easy either. Waiting to see how God will work in a situation. Waiting to see if He will be glorified by a happy turn of events or a painful outcome. My heart aches despite all my efforts to keep from taking the wounds of my friends as my own. It has been a hard few weeks and it doesn't look to be getting any easier any time soon.
Today I am feeling pretty angry, if I am honest.. and I am so.. yeah.. I am mad. I have no idea why really. I have just been lashing out at Stephen all day. I hate that. I lash out and apologize and lash out and apologize. I feel strangled today. I feel overwhelmed and underpaid today. The pre-K drama rages onward. Having not heard back from the school I thought was a sure thing, I applied for Smart Start but won't know anything from them until August. Also we are applying at Stephen's school.. but we aren't sure how that will go yet. And sense it seems to be a post about complaining and whining.. let me just whine for a moment about our living situation. Living in a HUD house has it's advantages. It's many advantages. Like low rent and great maintenance. But there is the constant pressure to get up and get out. Buy your own home. Take classes on home ownership and tell how you plan to buy your own place some day. Here's the thing.. how do you do that exactly? How do you buy a home when you have no money for a down payment on a mortgage? How do you buy a home when you are well below the state median income.. how do you save enough to buy a home when only one of you works? How do you do this? We are happy here, we feel blessed to be here and we do not want for anything. Yet the pressure is always there in the back of my mind. The time ticking away before we will be ineligible to live in this house and will have to move elsewhere. It seems unfair to force people in low income housing to learn how to buy a house.. if we could buy a house .. wouldn't we be doing just that?! This is an argument I have with myself from time to time and now I am having it on the blog so you all get to enjoy my internal banter. We are happy where we are and just as I get super comfortable with our situation, the time comes for me to renew all the paperwork to keep us living here and my world gets thrown into turmoil. Suddenly I feel guilt for not being out looking for a house to buy.. for not attending home ownership classes as I am being encouraged to do. It gets me all flustered every year and this year that flustered feeling just hasn't gone away yet.
There are other things racing through my mind today but I will spare you, dear interweb. Tomorrow I will get up and I will get my three little girls ready for the day and we will learn things and laugh and giggle until we get the hiccups. I just know we will.