Hello and welcome to up all night.. well not really since its not even midnight at the moment but I feel like I could be up all night without trying hard. This day has been a mental roller coaster, which is a very white bread way of saying totally stinking weird.
I still have not posted pix from my trip home .. oh .. two weeks ago now.. but frankly the whole photo posting debacle made me a little bitter and I am working out my anger issues with Photobucket.. where do they come up with these names anyway? Its almost embarrassing. Its like when you see a hipster on the train wearing skull and cross bones leggings.. one part of you (me) is like.. "cool?" and the other is like.."dude.. even I know that is crossing a line..not to mention it went out of style about a year ago.. I think." Why can't they just name photo websites something simple like.. Post Your Photos Here or.. Blogger Photo Loading Site since blogger obviously has something worked out with Flickr.. SO unfair.. moving on..
my day was odd.. I did it to myself as is usually the case when I have an odd day. I was being all productive at work.. getting one of my bosses squared away to go to her conference in Atlanta.. rushing hither and thither with exciting items like milk invoices and FMLA leave papers.. FedEx called.. it was a typical thrilling day. So as is typical.. I got seriously bored and started staring off into space, only coming too when I glimpsed someone coming up or down the hall. So, I took a short lunch break and decided to treat myself to some friend Googles. Now I do this more than I should, admittedly. It can become an addiction so I limit myself to 5 friend Googles at one sitting. Today the name I chose yielded results on the first try-score! He had a MySpace page. I don't dig MySpace because I really like Blogger and for other reasons I will keep to myself so I don't sound hypocritical. ANYWAY..this friend is someone I have known for a long time from HP and it occurred to me that they might know or still keep in touch with other old Central people or something.. I found one friend in their friends.. then another from that site and another and another and so on.. MySpace explosion. I found so many people that I had been hoping I would never see again .. it was overwhelming. I was instantly back in High School .. right after John got sent to boarding school and hearing those kids telling me they all knew/thought it was me and I was the nark that got him sent away from home, as if him accusing me of that was not bad enough. My "friends" were of course no friends at all but just people who knew who I was. After a few minutes of looking at their faces, I walked down the hall to get some water and felt completely deflated. All the confidence I had built over the years since those HS days.. was gone in an instant. Crazy right? Memories are powerful. Repressed memories are deadly. I tried to remember who I was at the moment and that all of that stuff was ancient history. I thought about it all the way back home on the train. I felt like a poser. Like, the life I am living now was not true and that the girl who had sat in Ms. Farlow's orchestra classroom was the real me - the inescapable me. I wrestle with those types of feelings a lot but not like this. I had no idea something like seeing a person's face on their web page would bring all of that crap back.
When I got home I tried to explain to Stephen how insane it was seeing those people and how I started to feel and .. he just looked at me with a question mark over his head. That made me feel like I had to deal with the old me alone and frankly I was ready for her to quiet back down and disappear again.
We watched LOST.. SO good tonight right??!
Then, because I just couldn't resist the urge, I went right back to the page that started all the madness this afternoon. But this time I found another familiar face that was a friendly one - a Vineyard Alum that I have not seen in years. Sam Fagg.. which lead to Callie.. then Bradford and Rich .. Rebeca Andrews...people I was so happy to see it sort of made me wish I had a MySpace myself -SORT OF. I also found a high school friend that I actually missed, someone whose relationship meant a lot to me back in the day and it was nice to see he was doing well.
What is my point.. I'm not sure. Lurking can be hazardous to your health? Everyone I know or have known is on MySpace? Sure seems that way. I dunno if I even have a point but I know I am glad that those feelings came up like that. It gave me the opportunity to deal with them, put them in their place, and get back to normalcy. Growth is good even if it means you have to air your dirty laundry on your Blog to get the full benefit of said growth.
I promise to try really hard to get over my photo hang ups so that I can post the picture of me holding baby Maddie..a very proud moment.. but one captured in "portrait" instead of "landscape" so its gonna be a few more days people! Nitee nite.
6 comments:
Michelle started a myspace site last year and it ruined me for about a week. What a strange soup of feelings ranging from nostalgia, to disbelief to wanting to go back in time and run from that past all at the same time... its the modern high school reunion website. All this is to say, I know what you mean.
Thanks Michelle!! So glad to know I am not the only one that had that kind of reaction! :) Really miss you guys!
Wow, what a painful blast from da past. Ouch! Now that's a good reason not to go digging around in high school yearbooks. Here's an intersting quote from George Otis: "God almost never calls his people to a fair fight." Actually, just about everything inclusive in our cultural ethos mitigates against truth. You know...just the facts. The facts that clear up the misunderstanding that perhaps preserves one's reputation. Truth that exposes evil intent that rings up such gross falsehood. I too remember some defining moments from my high school years, back in the day. "Those were the days my friend, we thought they'd never end." > and thankfully they did. And there were words I said that hurt others and words I can never take back. And worse, actions and consequences that cost me dearly, even to this day. In the end, our lives are flawed and our hearts are often misunderstood. I can rejoice this day that my true identity was found in an awesome creator who actually sought me out in that painful season. It was the big guy who looked alot liked Aslan. They said he wasn't safe but damn, he so proved that he was good. Did I say he sought me out? Anyway, here's a song of encouragement. It speaks of a worthwhile collison. Face to face and heart to heart. It's where real meets real, straight talk preferred and hope restored. It goes like this:
The heart breaking makes a sound
I never knew could be
So beautiful and loud
Fury filled and we collide
So courageous until now
Fumbling and scared
So afraid You'll find me out,
Alone here with my doubt
Here it comes, a beautiful collision
Is happening now.
There seems no end to where You begin and there I am now
You and I collide.
Rest easy my friend, Sleep well. Later...Later > LS
Hey Sarah- I found your blog awhile ago from Kelly's and have been lurking occassionally. :) Thanks for the comment!
I know how you feel also. Sometimes I have really unproductive days where I have nothing to say so I can't post an entry myself so I spend my free time looking people up or just hopping about. Strange internet rabbit trails that can be depressing. It is amazing how many people are on MySpace. I set up a blog there for myself when I found the little boy I used to nanny's step-mother. She was the long-time girlfriend the last time I was in the States. Things change quickly. They can be hard to keep up with as far as pictures go so I figured if I post pictures on MySpace she will show Alex. For me MySpace is just not aesthetically pleasing at all and there is a lot of junk on it. I see good things too but it's not my blogging medium of choice. Hope you have a most lovely day tomorrow. So glad it's Friday - its been a rough week. My company leaves and it seems like every time I go outside the other Mothers just stare which feels lonely. I will never forget how that feels when we go home and I will remember to reach out to people when I'm surrounded by the comfort of my friends. Hugs to you Beautiful!
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