Sunday, May 13, 2012

Mother's Day

Mother's Day morning was the bearer of many unexpected gifts. After feeding Frankie this morning, I was holding her so she could stand on my lap while I talked to her and kissed that sweet baby mouth. She put her hands on both sides of my face, looked me in the eyes and then pulled me into her belly for a hug.. her soft little arms hugging tight around my neck.. her sweet head laying on top of mine. It was the best present I could never have hoped for. My first hug from my baby. 

Then I went downstairs to greet everyone else and was met with a treasure trove of goodies from our friend Lonna's shop in Oakland CA. Not to mention a beautiful pancake breakfast prepared by the pancake master himself. I had pancakes with Meyer Lemon Marmalade and Chai Spice infused Sugar in my coffee. I have yet to try the homemade granola or the sugared lavender but I am saving those little treats. 

Despite all my spoiling today has been a rough one for me. My emotions have been a wreck. I am fight depression. I have been cranky every since we came home from Church and snippy with my sweet husband.. which I hate doing. I hate it. I hate being snippy with those who love me most. 

We are facing many unanswered questions right now in our simple little life and though I am fighting to trust in the Lord for the answers .. my initial reaction is to get a case of the "poor me"s. As in... we can't decide which fantastic Pre-K program to accept bundles of scholarship money from and send our kids too.. poor me. We have a car in wonderfully working order (that we were GIVEN) but it seems we need another one in order to live with an ounce of sanity next year and we can't figure out how to make that happen.. poor me. There are 3 folks from Stephen's school who are selling very nice/reasonably priced cars but we still can't find the money for them.. right now at least. Poor me. How ungrateful I feel for the blessings in my life. How blessed I am and what I complainer I have become. The truth is that these are definitely first world problems. I know this. I am painfully aware of this as we contemplate adding a second car to our household. A second car when so many do not have a first car. Still with 5am swim practices looming and Pre-K to become a daily commitment for the girls.. we can't see any way past it. These are grown up problems. Where to send the kids to school.. how to find the money we don't have for another vehicle. I know the Lord is in the details.. I know it. I just can't get my heart to feel it right now. I want to cling to the truth I know is there and remember how He has carried us on his shoulders through the deep parts of the river so many times before.. how easily I forget. I pray tomorrow morning will bring fresh remembrances for my soul and with it peace. I need some peace.. so funny how all I have to do is reach out and take it yet my stubborn heart refuses to budge at the moment. Sigh. Budge heart.. budge!!!

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