Lights Out

Stephen and I rode home in the dark tonight. When our train pulled into West 4th and I saw that the car was dark, my first thought was that the power was out in there and that it was going to feel like a dark furnace of body heat. One of those "Aren't you glad you use Dial?" moments. We poked our heads in anyway when the doors opened and it was pleasantly cool, the lights being the only thing out of order. It was sort of late already, but though the train was full there were seats for most and we gratefully sat down by the door. I have not ridden in a completely dark subway car before. It was like being in some rickety roller-coaster hurtling towards an unknown dip or loop. The lights on the walls of the tunnels flashed in, illuminating the faces of our fellow passengers. Everyone was quiet. At one point, after we had crossed the bridge and were on Brooklyn soil, the train came to a stand-still waiting for it's turn to enter the station. We sat for at least 5 minutes. After the first 2 minutes passed, people began taking out various electronic devices (cell phones, iPods, Blackberries) and soon the car was filled with the wan glow of so many LCD screens. I guess most people don't like sitting in the dark. I thought it was exhilarating. But then again, I felt pretty safe sitting there next to Stephen.

In other news, two NYPD detectives showed up Sunday night to check on us. They were following up on our burglary !!! They came to see if our landlord had paid restitution and find out if we wanted to press charges. Of course we did not want to press charges, and we were shocked that the detectives took the time to come out to our little place to tie up the loose ends of our tiny little theft. Gave me a little more faith in those cops that do so love to run red lights.

Facebook and the week in review

Vineyard Men (1995?) - Day Off at Carowinds
Rene, Amin, Josh, Ryan, Carson, Andy, Guillome (?), Jeremy



Vineyard Ladies (1995?) - Day Off at Carowinds
_____, me, Kate, Katie(?), _____, Rebecca


So I have joined Facebook, at the suggestion of Ms. Julie and I am certainly glad I did!! As opposed to my brief experience with MySpace, when I go into Facebook I am greeted by loads of familiar and friendly faces that I had no idea how to find. Props on the "Old Skool Vineyard" group Julie!! The pictures are amazing. Ah, the nostalgia. Those easy days when you spend the summer working 24 hours a day for that brilliant $35 check to blow on your day off. But the friendships made were forged in steel and ...blabbity blah blah blah, cheesy statement and more cheese and mushy sentences.
Conclusion: I love my Vineyard buds and its awesome to be able to reach them all in one place. Cheers to that.

We have been reading The Deathly Hallows, the latest and last Harry Potter book. I say we because Stephen and I always read HP out loud to each other. It takes 3 times as long to finish it this way but we enjoy it. We have also listened to all of the books on tape with Jim Dale as the narrator. These are priceless and if you haven't tried one yet, I highly recommend it. The man is a ..er.. wizard with voices. Makes long drives and rainy days incredibly entertaining. Of course all of this only applies to those who actually enjoy HP... if you are one of those who think he is a satanic character in an evil book series that Christians should be ashamed of themselves for reading and instead burn in mass protest.. please disregard.

I finally got my hair cut this week. It has been in dire need of some shape for many moons. I have not had it cut since I was last in NC and got to go and see Toby. Toby is my southern hair genius in Greensboro. He and I have reached that much sought after level of friendship between hair stylist and client. I get a great hug when I show up and the hair cut doesn't last long enough for us to dish all our latest news. I make an appointment every single time I am home, whether I need it or not. I have finally found someone I like here though, her name is Aurora and she is Albanian. Wednesday, as I walked the mile and a half from my office on 50th and 5th to Aurora's shop on 74th and 2nd, I found myself wishing I was walking to see Toby. Aurora is very sweet and I she does an excellent job but she is very quiet and I miss my Toby hugs. I also started to get nervous about the tips. That's right, I stress about tipping in the city. I know who I need to tip and have learned the appropriate amounts. The stress in this situation comes from needing to tip the person that washes your hair. I have no problem getting my tip to Aurora, and am thrilled to do it. But, for some reason, it is always hugely awkward to tip the hair washer for me. This time was no different. I left my bag in the other room, so when the sweet woman who washed my hair walked me back to Aurora's station and handed me my glass of water, I grabbed my bag from the floor where I had left it and fumbled around for my wallet while she stood there for a moment. As soon as I located my wallet and plunged in for the tip, she turned and walked into the back room. I held my tip out with burning cheeks and uttered some guttural version of "wait.. here..thank you" but it was lost. So then I was faced with the decision of whether to follow her and give her the tip or just let it go. I have followed in the past but this time decided to just let it go. Mistake. Felt horrible for the duration, particularly when she came 3 times to sweep up the hair around the chair while Aurora was working. Damn!!! Why am I so awkward like that?! I never had to worry about that at home, Toby washes my hair himself. I never worried in Florida because Stephen is the one who cut my hair then. Tipping is so ungraceful an act. Next time she will probably accidentally wash my hair with Nair or something. Despite my self imposed anxiety, my hair looked great. I took a cab on the way back to the office and the cabby actually called me "doll" and "doll face" several times. As in "Thank you so much!" (me handing him my tip) " Anything for you, doll face!". Silly as it seems, I left the cab grinning.

I went to my last Summer Associate event on Thursday. It was a sailboat ride on the Hudson. This is my favorite event that we do. Its so calm and everyone has to stay seated so I don't have to mingle and small talk. I just sit with Carol and Abigail away from the group and visit with them. I am not that anti-social but small talk and visiting really takes it out of me. I like to have real conversations. I am not very good at small talk either. I run out of topics quickly and am left staring over the other person's shoulder before one of us decides to "get another drink" and gracefully departs. People at work must think I am not much of an admin. I try really hard though. I smile and make eye contact and try to look interested in what is being said, praying inside that the group will continue to talk amongst itself and I won't be called upon to contribute. Yikes, I am making myself sound like a social freak today.

After boating and on the way to the next spot, I had a very interesting conversation with one of our summers. Early in the summer, at our wine tasting event, this particular summer was talking to Malani and I and blurted out something about his blog. We asked what it was called and he was tight lipped for a moment. Then I revealed that I too had a blog and that I would tell him the name of mine if he would share his. He agreed, and I checked it out the first chance I got. I have been reading it ever since. I thought for sure that he would never remember the name ( I don't know why I thought that since he is in the top of his class at law school ). Well I was wrong. We got to talking as we were leaving Chelsea Piers and he told me he had been reading it and just wanted to know what happened with Florida. I was a little caught off guard at first, and let him know I had been reading his too. This was my first experience talking to someone who had been reading my blog, other than close friends or family. I have to say it was pretty neat. It wasn't like we were instant friends or anything but there was a nice familiarity there. We talked about Stephen and his wife and how each of us met and how we ended up in NY. He is from VA, so even though he is not a Carolina boy there is some common ground there both being from Confederate States. Anyway, the experience of having a relative stranger talk to me about my blog was one I have never had and I just wanted to say it wasn't bad. It was nice to dispense with the small talk for a change.

Well I better bring this to a close.
Regarding Florida, what Ellen said in her comment was right on. I am still processing it all but Stephen and I feel a definite change in our way of life. I am fighting depression a little still and am trying to soften the edge I seem to have picked up around the house. I have no reason to be depressed at all its just... going through all that anxiety for such a long time has left me a bit empty. I am a little more emotional than I would like to be and my mind is whirring with desires and plans and doubts etc. It's a pain, but it would have been doing the same thing if we were in Florida right now. I just need to clear my head and get my faith back in place. I have everything to be thankful for and I do, in fact, like where I am, it's just hard to keep that disappointment at bay sometimes.
Anyway, if you made it to the end of this wandering post, I offer my congratulations.. it was a doozy.

Later!

SIKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah.. so the whole moving to Florida thing.. that's not happening. I guess I underestimated that .0000001% chance and it's exacting its revenge upon our life plans and goals.

So we are staying put here in Brooklyn. Yay. No seriously, yay. I really do mean it...yay. Well maybe not as "yay" as the cute little yellow house I had picked out for us in Sarasota.... but .. yeah, Brooklyn is a "yay" . Not as "yay" as the great little yard that Oliver would have been able to run in or the garden area I would have grown tomatoes and parsley in but..sure.. "yay" is appropriate, I think. Yeah. Yay for Brooklyn and for subways to ride and laundry to push down the sidewalk. Yay for no washer and dryer in our house. Icky! Who wants to do their laundry right there in the house?! That's just no fun at all! No it's much more fun to carry your groceries from the store in Union Square down through the subway halls to the train and then stand in the crowded car with your bags before walking the 5 blocks from the 36th Street stop to 193A and our 3rd floor walk up. SO much better than having a car to and a parking lot and a kitchen on a ground floor. Gross!! Yeah, you guys out there in the suburbs just don't know what you are missing out on man! I got serious muscles and I haven't worked out like.. ever! It's all from just trying to live in this concrete jungle. Pretty convenient actually. It is all good. You know it! Word! Word to your mother 'n stuff. Word to your grandmother even. Yo.

I pretty much don't want to talk about the whole saga anymore but I will say that in the end Stephen and I decided that it just wasn't the right decision and even though we were still waiting on a definitive answer on whether the position would even be available (%$#@#?!?!!!?!) we came to the conclusion that it was just not the right choice. There were multiple factors involved in this decision but the main two were A) time and B) money. Not enough of either to warrant relocation from our comfy little abode here. So, there you have it ..in a nutshell. Sorry ya'll. Feel horrible that everyone in our lives had to watch this train wreck but hey.. that's just the risk you accept in reading this particular blog. Hope it hasn't been as painful for you as it was for us.

We are happy with our decision... just a little bruised right now. It's been a long 3 months. We have big plans for our remaining time here. We are constantly reminded that we have no idea how long (or short) that might be. At any rate, one of those big plans is to find a new job for Stephen. So that's our next big undertaking right now.

I am fighting being pretty down and struggling to keep it together lately. This is made infinitely easier by the people I work with and the fact that we are constantly working on events for our Summer Associates. These are always fun and we have an amazing class of summers this year so that makes it all the more enjoyable. Of course being with Stephen is the icing on the cake. Being able to come home to him at night is what keeps me sane and despite my internal battles and biting back the occasional storm of tears at my desk, I am able to smile and keep it light. This is merciful since allowing that much emotion to engulf you is pretty exhausting in every way.

So after all I have said in this post.. I hope that I will not bring up Florida again, but that I can just move onto the next phase gracefully and completely. However I can not promise this so.. just in case I slip up ... please keep some forgiveness and patience on hand.

Love you guys out there.. thanks for everything.

Deja Vu

...and again... nothing....nada.. zero.. zip... zilch...goose egg...

you get the picture. Don't really feel like talking about it.

xoxo

Deafening

Not one word.



"For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience , and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light."

Colossians 1: 9-12
Much Love.
XOXO

Smile.. it's Tuesday!

Photos that make me smile..



Stormy weather at the peak of Cadillac Mountain in Acadia National Park. This time last year.



My birthday last year in the Brooklyn Botanic Gardens. Overlooking the Rose Garden.



Oliver The Small, welcoming me home with his trusty green newspaper.



OMG Jack White! There he is!!! It's him!!! It's really Jack White!!!! Aaaaaaaaah!!!
(Birthday present last year, Raconteurs concert with Stephen)



John and Mariel in Central Park. John smiling and the incredible woman who makes him smile.


Today was replete with support for every angle. I got emails from my Ellen, and my Mary that contained the perfect phrases to calm my heart and help me focus on the joys in the day.

Tonight, as I rode the D train home with Stephen, I got that feeling. That feeling I sometimes get when I am whizzing past the Brooklyn Bridge. That feeling that strikes my heart and I am suddenly in awe of my surroundings. Aware of the thousands of buildings and millions of people all around me, eating, sleeping, jogging, getting a promotion, getting fired, giving a presentation, taking a deposition, performing a surgery, giving birth, walking with a parent, sitting in class, rushing down stairs, riding a bus..riding the subway..riding the D train. The hum of the city, the awe that it can strike in your heart. All at once you wonder if it is man's creation that you are in awe of .. or God's many creations inhabiting this environment. It is easy to fall in love with this city. I can understand why Keller loves it so much. There's something about it that is all at once innocent and corrupt and each day finds you faced with another side of it's personality. Yesterday it may have thrown up on your shoes and given you a parking ticket..today it hands out free ice cream cones and JCrew coupons. It woos you to love it, though you know it will betray you. There is always the hope that some day, you will fall in step with it's rhythm. I have never loved people as much as I have since my inhabitation of this city. Maybe that's why I have such a crush on it.

Tomorrow my friends.. I will let you know as soon as I know. Much love to you all. Your prayers are felt.

Monday's secret wish and various things that made me cranky today..

Today I did something that I am a little shy to admit too but in the spirit of keeping myself distracted until Wednesday .. I am gonna let ya'll in.
Today, I decided to buy myself a present. I had seen this great summer perfume at Anthropologie a long while ago. It is called "Woman in Yellow". This is, in fact, what stopped me buying it the first go round. I will not be one of those chicks who buys perfume at stinkin' Anthropologie, and I certainly won't be one who wears a scent with such a gosh awful cheese ball name like that!!!! Forget it. Well... I couldn't. I don't have a summer scent and I have started to tire of my winter ones, too heavy for the heat. I digress. I went to Anthropologie at lunch today and (gulp) purchased "Woman in Yellow". Here's were the story gets a little more.. original. The girl at the counter was going on and on about how pretty the bottle was and such, and then she asked me if it was a present and would I like a box. And I said.. yes! I knew it was a present for myself, but I hate it when people say that to check out people. I don't know why. So I said it was a present and left it at that. She wrapped it up safe in the perfect little box and gave me that cute little bird tag with that colorful green string. When I got back to my desk.. I carefully tied up the little box in the string and set it in my bag to open later. So there you have it.. pretty silly I guess but it was just what I needed today. I opened it with Stephen just moments ago and modeled my new scent for him. He approves. Sometimes it's just nice to have something to be excited over.. that was my hope/wish/prayer for today and I am happy with the result.

In other news.. here are 3 things that were irritating today.

1) People staring at my sunburned shins.

I am very fair and every summer since I was a teenager I have struggled over laying out to burn/tan or just embracing my fair complexion. Last summer, I finally came to grips with my true self. I stayed fair and loved it. This year I wanted to do the same .. but I burned the heck out of my shins in Maine. Yes, I forgot to put on sunscreen. Duh. It looks like I am wearing rust colored shin guards now and there is nothing I can do short of applying self tanner for the rest of the summer (ick) or burning the rest of my legs (healthy?). Today was the first day I actually ventured to work in a short dress that showcased my shins. Damn it people!! Mind your own business!! How do you know I wasn't in some massive chemical accident and scarred for life when I was 14.. doomed to sport red shins for eternity?!?! huh??? Several times today I found myself biting my tongue to keep from saying in a loud obnoxious voice "Yeah! I got sunburned!! What? WHAT!!!" So I am a little sensitive today.. What? WHAT!!!! :)

2) Manhattan once overs

Dude. Keep your eyes to yourself will ya?? You too lady! Check out my outfit then my hair and my face.. then my shoes and my face again.. boobs.. face. Butt.. face. Seriously man, I can SEE YOU!!! A little respect. That goes for my homeys in the neighborhood. Honestly.. every time you call me "Mah-Mi" followed by "Sexy" and a string of Spanish that I have no hope of understanding I just want to drag you back to my apartment and commit illicit acts with you all afternoon (sarcasm alert)!! Wow.. what a turn-on to be heckled on the sidewalk every single stinkin' morning I walk to the subway. Frankly it doesn't threaten me.. I do not feel unsafe.. just embarrassed .. CONSTANTLY embarrassed for YOU, dude. A leering smile would be sufficient.

3) Isabelle's Mom

Listen lady, I know I don't have kids yet but I am gonna do some back-seat-parenting right now. I had my iPod up as high as I felt was safe and I could still hear your kid screaming about wanting her "Chocolate Milky NOW!!!!" If my kid ever tells me they want ANYTHING "NOW!!!" it won't be pretty. You were calm, you tried to reason with her, telling her the rest of us on the R train didn't want to hear her being so loud. You reminded her that she had an icy pop at her friend's house just then and didn't she like that better than chocolate milk? Then you gave her an ultimatum. If she didn't get it together by the time you counted until (wait for it) TEN.. she was going to lose her chocolate milk privileges. You reminded her you were giving her a "nice long count" twice before you started your slow verbal accent to the big 1_0. Again I say.. a little respect hon. Don't let your 3 year old treat you like that ! I respect your efforts but honestly.. stiffen up. Sometimes a kid needs a little discipline. Don't let your kid talk down to you lady.. she is the kid remember?

With that I will close for this evening. Here's hoping tomorrow I can come up with 3 things that make me smile about my environment. No word yet on Sarasota guys.. counting down until Wednesday. Please pray with us. We only want what He wants.

Can't think of a title for this one...

(Central Park.. model boats - last weekend's post Redeemer stroll)

I am not sure how to start this post, so I will start with this indecisive sentence. What a week. So many things have gone wrong, sour, or just badly this week that I am actually tired of hearing myself talk about them. So in keeping with the open nature of this blog, I will reveal my hardship - but in condensed form. Two sentences for each of the 2 worst events of the week:

1. I had another massive migraine for the 4th this year due to the weather. Felt better in the evening and went to the fireworks, only to have it return with a furry that found me running around SoHo desperate for a bathroom to be sick in at 11pm.

2. Stephen and I both came down with a version of Montezuma's Revenge, and didn't decide to see a doctor until the end of the week. With all the doctor's offices in our neighborhood closed on Friday (surprise!!!) we finally had to trek to Brighton Beach (near Coney Island) to see a Russian doctor and get some meds while I shriveled with guilt at not being at work while I was supposed to be filling in for Carol, who was on vacation.

There you have it. The worst 2 in 2.

Even with all of that.. I seem to have escaped any depression or even a lasting bad mood. Could it be I am numb with expectation ?? That must be it. Speaking of which that brings me too the..

Sarasota Update:
Houston, we have a problem. The job that Nathan was going to get with IT.. now has 2 applicants. So its Nathan vs. Some Other Guy. Yikes. This was originally a "sure thing". Now it's a "we would really like to hire you but we can let you know for sure on Wednesday" thing. Stephen and I are preparing our minds for the "worst". Which, in all honesty, really wouldn't be that bad. At least we would know something definite. Staying here would not be too painful. Just another bump in the road to my long dreamed of pregnancy. Yes, it really is all about me :) Anyway.. by Wednesday we should have an answer.. and I hope we do.. since I am supposed to fly out to FL to find us a place to live on Friday!!! I am doing this because, though we know of a wonderful home we could rent sight unseen, the rental market in Florida is headed toward rock bottom and I want to make sure I make the best choice for us.. for the $$. Anyway.. there's a good chance that I might just be taking a credit for my ticket now :) (sigh)

I will close with something I have been pondering since I started working at 30 Rock. Why is it, that tourists always wear light colored clothing? It seems to me that every time I turn around there is a mother and daughter/ father and son/ GF and BF posing for a picture in front of the building in light blue jeans and pale green "NYC" t-shirt. Is it that New Yorkers are always wearing darker colors? Or do the majority of Americans actually have "vacation wear" that they only break out when they go on trips? Anyone else notice this ? Maybe it's just me.

PS. Check out some of the videos in the top right corner.. just added this new feature. Some of these are rated PG and possibly R so .. view at your own risk. Thus ends my disclaimer.

Maine Jumble

What a trip!!!! It was relaxing, it was beautiful, it was refreshing and crisp. We had such an incredible time and Mary and Larry found such a beautiful house right on the water. I did not take any pictures of the house but believe me when I say it was.. perfection.

The pictures loaded in random order and its a lazy Sunday evening so I am going to leave them that way. There are so many pictures.. I just chose a few good ones to share..

The one above is all of us in Acadia National Park...



Stephen tells me this is Bass Harbor Lighthouse. While we were there a bald eagle flew right past us.. it was incredible. Sadly, I still can not load portrait oriented pictures so.. you will have to imagine it until I have time to put it on Photobucket and transfer it from there..anyway.. isn't it gorgeous??



Stephen at Otter Point in Acadia.. He loves to go as far as possible ;)



Stephen and David



Brothers.



We spent one entire day hiking around Isle au Haut. You have to take the mail boat there and it drops you off and comes back at the end of the day and you better be there on time or you are spending the night out there. This was probably my favorite day.. the weather was perfect the scenery was incredible.. it was such an awesome adventure.



Misty morning .. view from the house.



David, Larry and I whale watching in Acadia. No luck :(



More of Bass Lighthouse..



Another family shot at Acadia



On our hike around Isle au Haut, Stephen and David got a little warm and decided to take a swim in the frigid waters...in their boxers. It - was - freezing. They look like they are having fun right ? :)




Yet another beautiful view on Isle au Haut



..and another.. I could sit for hours and listen to the waves crashing against the rocks..



On every coast in the Isle there were loads of lobster buoys washed up on shore.. really colorful and a constant reminder of exactly where you were hiking. The boys played a little baseball.



More beautiful views







In the center of the picture above you can see the little rock cove where we stopped for lunch. This is where the boys went swimming.



Mary and her walking stick at our lunch destination.


The first day we went hiking on Blue Hill.. the lupines were in bloom (purple in the picture).



Here we are at the top.. resting and getting eaten alive by mosquitoes..they were hungry that week!



I couldn't resist putting up another cute picture of Oliver and Stephen :)



One of the best things about our house on the water was the tidal pools we got to examine at low tide. We found a tiny crab in this one along with lots of mussels and snails.



So there you have it. Our long awaited trip to Deer Isle in Maine. Can't wait to go back.