Sunday, August 09, 2009
The babies are still sleeping. I am on the computer checking "the news" - Facebook, Yahoo, my blog links.... real world news stuff gets me down in the morning. I just read MKD's most recent post. It got me thinking. We recently had a very heated meeting with someone who told us they had been essentially putting up with all our talk about Brooklyn and our former life in New York. They let us know they "didn't care that (we) lived in Brooklyn", reminding us that to them we were just from High Point and Tallahassee. Even as I write this, my chest feels tight. I hate High Point. The only thing worth visiting in that town is my family and a few close friends. For me it is filled with bitter memories and people lurking within their daily lives that I would be happy to never see again. Living in Brooklyn was like the ultimate fresh start. It was nice to feel so at home in a place and to be excited when you ran into someone you knew. It was tough moving to Raleigh. I spent my college years nearby and I have less than thrilling memories from that experience as well. What that person said was extremely hurtful. Their words plunged me back into my social dungeon. Suddenly my face burned when I made reference to a restaurant or museum or experience that took place in ... Brooklyn ... or ... New York City ... I had felt comfortable to speak openly about our life there and now I felt a pang of regret every time the words left my mouth. I found myself apologizing for mentioning things that happened there. Started saying "In our last place..." or "Where we used to live...". It felt like the wind had been taken right out of my sails. I was humiliated, wondering if I had really behaved in a "I'm better/cooler than you" manner. If I had it was completely unintentional. Had people been rolling their eyes behind my back? I had been so homesick for Brooklyn and it felt so nice to be able to speak openly about life there. I turned inward and had to force myself to be social. I thought a great deal about these things while we were in Florida, relieved to know I wouldn't need to watch my words. When we returned to Raleigh, it was with a renewed sense of self. I was actually excited to be within the city limits. As unpleasant as it was, maybe this person's comments helped me learn to embrace the here and now and be more intentional about leaving the past in the past. I will always talk about my life prior to becoming a mother. Those experiences shaped the person I am. Still, Raleigh feels more like home every day.