Beautiful

Don't I have the most beautiful girls ?









Ada's favorite thing to do is swing.



Margot's favorite thing to do is slide.

Well I suppose I didn't update ya'll but I will now. The doctor has given me the meds to move this train along. I am taking them tonight. According to everyone that has spoken to me about this.. I am in for a hell of a next couple of days. Really praying that it is not as bad as everyone keeps telling me it will be. Really really praying that this actually works so we can start to move past this.

Thanks for all your prayers everyone. See you on the other side.

Life

Life continues in our little home. We have been so blessed in the last 4 days. So many emails and messages, flowers, food.. it is overwhelming. Stephen caught the babies enjoying some homemade banana bread that one of his student's mothers sent home with him today. I am told that beard on Ada is the cottage cheese variety.



Such a messy baby.



Margot infectious smile. I swear that child's eyes beam joy to whomever she looks at.

We spent the weekend mourning our loss together by taking the girls to do anything and everything we could think of. We took them to the local children's museum, Marbles , for the first time. We forgot the camera but believe me when I say they were so excited they absolutely did not know what to do with themselves. They just kept running from station to station laughing and grinning and running to find each other to show off their latest discovery. It was so much fun I think we are going to get a membership there for sure.

The weather was warm as well so we took them for a walk in their single strollers (these are more fun because we can race them and drive all crazy.. they love that.) to the park. It has not been that long since we weren't really into the slide. Now we are obsessed. Particularly Margot.. crazy giggles every time she goes down and she rolls over half way down and tries to climb back up to go again. She even went down the big tall curly slide all by her 18-month-old self.. and the tunnel one.. all on her own. She is such a ninja. Ada was all about swinging.. but no baby swings for that paratrooper. She wanted to swing the big kid swings.. and guess what.. she could do it! They both could! We stood there watching our little girls holding tight to the chains on the swing and sitting straight and tall on the seat.. so proud of them.. they were so proud of themselves. Again.. forgot the camera.. we have been a little distracted with trying to be distracted this weekend.

So here we are at Monday, and there are no signs that the "event" is on it's way. Ugh. I thought for a brief moment that today might be the day.. but I was wrong. I called my OB this morning to see about possibly getting some medication to help things along. She said Dr. Z had put in his notes that if nothing had changed by my next appointment on Friday, that medication might be a good option. The nurse was so sweet, said she had been in my shoes, and I told her I would just wait until Friday. Then this afternoon I got a call. It was that sweet nurse calling back to say that she had a talk with the doctor in the office today and he thought it would be fine for me to come in tomorrow instead of waiting until Friday. Another ultrasound and if nothing has changed then he felt it would be ok to go ahead with the medicine. So.. off we go tomorrow afternoon for another excruciating visit to the office where everyone is all smiles and pregnant bellies. I really am better off than that sentence just sounded. Honestly at this point I have had so many people tell me how painful what is about to happen will be that.. it is starting to make me just a touch nervous. I have a full bottle of Advil and a full bottle of narcotic pain killers so.. hopefully that will be enough. Sheesh.

It probably sounds ridiculous to say this but I really haven't even thought "why me?" yet. Whenever my mind heads that direction, my immediate mental reaction is "Because I can handle it.". Who do I think I am? Another strange thought that hangs around in my head is that .. in a way.. I feel honored that God thought enough of me to use me as a vessel to populate heaven. How incredible, how precious must our baby have been to be needed at the Lord's side right away? Once again.. who do I think I am ..really? Am I losing it? Are these the thoughts of someone who has not allowed herself to grieve this loss? I have cried many tears since Friday.. isn't that grieving? My thought life is often confusing but this has been the most bizarre experience in recent memory. Am I normal? What is normal anyway?

Pioneer

Well... we officially have a true pioneer in our little family. Today Stephen and I went to the doctor to see our sweet baby for the first time.. only instead of a baby.. they found an angel. Our baby has reached heaven ahead of us.

In my heart I knew something wasn't right as soon as the image came up on the screen. It was so small...and there was no heartbeat. Dr. Zim said it must have passed on about two weeks ago. There is nothing that I could have done to prevent it.. these things are always due to some unknown chromosomal abnormality and God sort of take care of these things on His own. We are, as can be imagined, devastated ... sad... in disbelief. The girls are a great source of comfort. I remember being so terrified at each of their appointments that one of them would not have a heartbeat. I really hoped I would never know how that felt. Sitting here I can tell you it hurts. Strangely enough I actually feel embarrassed. Embarrassed that I still feel sick and tired, when my baby has left me. Like I am a faker or something. The doctor said those symptoms won't go away until the "event" is over. So now I wait, we wait. Wait for my body to do what it will. Wait and try to decide if we should take Zim up on his offer of a D&C. Just wait. And cry. And wait some more.

I know that God is control, even now..especially now. That is a comfort.

When babies "sleep in"...

Yesterday the girls let me sleep in until almost 9am. If you have ever wondered what babies do while they are "sleeping in".. here it is. My girls quietly giggle and laugh to each other... and they grab diapers off the changing table and transfer them to various areas of the room. Margot piles the "night-night" diapers at the end of her crib. Here she is lounging on her bed of diapers, ready for her morning quiet time.

Ada examines Margot's diaper technique. Nice tight spread.

Ada prefers to launch the day time diapers from the end of her crib and attempt to land them in the toy bucket. She has pretty good aim. She also stashes them between the crib and the wall. Here she is soaking up some warm sunshine and, like her sister, ready for her morning quiet time.

SO .. the Coke did help yesterday. Enough for me to manage a shower and change of clothes ( I changed the babies clothes too to something more day appropriate ). Still, when Stephen got home I crawled upstairs and back into bed and stayed there. Two days of chronic pain is about all I can take. The worst part is you can't even cry about it because that just makes the pain worse. Anyway, I woke up this morning - pain free. Joy!! I feel shaky and weak from the last two days BUT so much better (and it's a good thing since Josie is here today). Stephen had first period off so he stayed here to take care of the girls (all three of them) while I slept a bit more and managed a shower. Here's hoping I can take it easy today and keep feeling better. I am SO asking the OB for something I can take next week. That's right.. a week from tomorrow we get our first glimpse of Baby Shingler #3 :)

Reality

In my former life... I spent my lunch breaks in empty partner offices, looking out the windows at the city below...



...I took last minute trips to Maine with my Stephen and ate lobster in the sunshine..



...I watched him climbing to the edge of the ocean..



..I celebrated with best friends after their first real show in the city...



..I sat on my sunny front stoop, waiting to go for a long walk in Green Wood ...

..despite the beauty of these moments.. I had many more migraines in those days... but when I had them I could take my poison pills, lay down for a few hours (or half a day) and be able to move on with life.. and to the next migraine..

.. in my current life.. I sit here in long underwear bottoms, pink slipper socks, Stephen's FSU sweatshirt and my Yankee cap... I have been in these clothes for two days now.. that damn winter storm that is dropping loads of lovely whiteness on the rest of the east coast is just messing with the barometric pressure in my town and my head is a disaster. That coupled with "morning" sickness and the fact that absolutely nothing sounds good to eat... and I feel like a regular mess... the girls are even in their PJs.. again.. day two.. if Mama is wearing hers it is only fair that they wear theirs all day too.. right? Stephen just came home during a free period and brought me some Coke.. maybe the caffeine will do the trick. Sigh. SIGH. I feel disgusting and really hope that I can at least manage a shower in the next few hours. The girls are being absolute angels. Munching on Cheerios and playing with each other nicely and quietly.. and yes.. watching some Kipper and Olivia.. normally I keep any TV viewing to 30 minutes max in a day.. but there has been a bit more of it in the last two days.. Not one word you anti-TV people out there.. I am fragile enough right now without listening to what a horrible Mommy I am too.... Here's hoping the Coke does the trick.

Waiting

Oliver and Ada waiting for Daddy to come home this afternoon. Ada kept whispering, "Dada.. Daddeeeee ..Dada.. Daddeeeee.."

I recently finished reading "One and the Same: My Life as an Identical Twin and What I've Learned About Everyone's Struggle to Be Singular" by Abigail Pogrebin. It was a fascinating book. For some reason I can't think straight enough to really give it a just review at the moment, but the basic premise was that she interviewed loads of twins (some famous and others just ordinary mortals) and wrote about their varying relationships. About the intensity of twinness, particularly that between identical twins. How it can be so strong, in some cases, that twins are unable to find a mate because no one they form relationships can handle the strength of that twin bond and how that relationship always comes first.. for some twins. It goes on and on about sameness and differentness in sets of twins. Some stories about those spooky twins who were separated at birth and still marry women with the same names and name their sons (who are the same age) the same names and work at the same jobs etc. As I said, I really enjoyed this book and it gave me a lot of insight into how my girls might be feeling in the future and how to protect that twin bond without letting them lose their individuality in the process. I was a little shocked when I got to the end of the book and she had an interview with a set of twins that actually survived Joseph Mengele in Auschwitz. Their description of their time there was, as can be imagined, horrifying. The only part of their experience that was not horrific to them was Mengele himself. Apparently this is a consistent report of twins who survived those awful times. They saw "Mengele as their protector as much as their persecutor". He was reportedly very handsome and had his boots polished multiple times a day so that they shone like mirrors. This chapter sent shivers down my spine. These twin women survived their stay in Auschwitz because they had each other. Their bond kept them going and in the end as they were marched through the snow with the other survivors, skeletal, freezing, it was that bond of twinship that would not allow the one sister to leave her twin, though she was sick and begging to lay down in the road. She had her hang onto her neck and she dragged her along, and they survived. Anything to do with the holocaust brings me to tears on most occasion and leaves me unable to fathom the event. Hearing first hand what it was like for twins to be in a death camp hit a little too close to home.

So while I enjoyed the book overall, immensely, I feel my next read needs to be uplifting as I am having a hard time getting those images out of my head. I think I may start the Chronicles of Narnia again.. it has been awhile since I read through them. Does anyone out there have a suggestion for a good book? Something you just couldn't put down? I would love to hear it.

Bag ladies

Nana and Papa came today for lunch and they brought lots of goodies with them. Some of those goodies were contained in this pink bag. The girls were obsessed with wearing it on their heads, calling it a "Hah(t)".



So a smart Daddy cut a hole in the side so they could see a little better. Here Ada is donning her very fashion forward gift bag hat.



Margot's turn.



Apparently, Margot was even eating her bagel through the little window.



Though it looks like she could, at any moment, run headlong into a wall.. thanks to Daddy innovation she can actually see where she is headed.

I am already tired of being tired. I feel like a slug. All I do on the weekends is sleep. Stephen offers to watch the girls on his own and I race upstairs and shut myself in the bedroom to pass out for a few hours.. which by the way.. doesn't always help as much as I think it should. Sigh. Oh well. These are the prices we pay for more tiny giggles, am I right? Mom asked us today if we had started thinking about names.. I had almost forgotten about that. We get to choose another name. That is so much fun. We will, of course, be keeping it a secret until the baby arrives. So much more fun that way isn't it? We think so too.

Church was really packed today. This got me all pumped up. I was just so excited that so many other people where there with me at the service. It's nice to feel like part of a community and be excited when there are so many people there you can hardly walk. I love that.

I know it's the Super Bowl.. but we aren't feeling it tonight. We have watched it before and I guess we should be at least watching for the commercials but.. ugh. What I could really use now is a nice long soak in a hot tub and about 30 minutes in a sauna. I am freezing! Can't get warm lately.

I do realize that I didn't even make it through one month of posting every day.. but then .. there are now extenuating circumstances and it was never a promise or anything so.. just making sure you know that I don't feel any guilt or obligation there. Sure you neither thought about it or care to think about it. Don't blame you. The point is I am not being hard on myself about not being able to post every day and I am proud of me for that.

Blah blah blah.. this is boring. The end.

Mile Stone

It was a grey rainy day outside our kitchen today. Inside it was warm and dry. And two little girls hit a mile stone. They climbed into their booster seats (formerly high chair seats) and they ate their lunch at the dining room table.

They have been eating so well with their forks and spoons that I just decided to take the plunge today, making sure to serve them a pretty clean lunch; chicken nuggets (aka "bach-bach"), apple and yogurt. They were precious. Sitting so proudly at the table and grinning at each successful stab of their fork. They even jabbered to each other like their were making meal time conversation. The eating of the yogurt was a group effort. I feed them with one spoon and they each have their own spoon that they can dig in and feed themselves with as well. It is still pretty messy but they get better at scooping each day and soon I will be willing to let them take this one on their own as well.

I am so proud of my girls. They will be 18 months old tomorrow. So hard to believe. It was hard for me to put their little trays away in the cabinet after lunch, but seeing their happy faces as they ate their messy dinner of beef stew and black beans (which they promptly smeared on the table once they were done eating) was priceless and I know I made the right decision. They are ready, probably have been for awhile but I guess I wasn't ready to A) take on the new challenges associated with them eating at the table B) let go of those little footsie moments in the high chairs.... onward and upward right?

And again...

It is apparently much more fun to drink from a sippy cup when you can do so seated in a grown up chair at the grown up table. This is how I find both Ada and Margot multiple times throughout the day. At first, I tried to discourage them climbing into these rather slippery chairs. But their balance is actually really good and they have each fallen at least once with no injuries and no tears so.. I think they are big enough to hang out there from time to time. With proper parental supervision of course.

Randomly, Stephen and I just realized the other day that we have been telling folks that they are 18 months old, when in fact they won't be 18 months until March! Not sure how we managed to make that error. I never was that good at calculus.

Stephen is home for the second snow day from school. This is one of the bonuses to living in the south. When it snows, the world shuts down. Good thing we had plenty of bread and milk on hand when the mighty blizzard hit.