Friday, February 19, 2010
Well... we officially have a true pioneer in our little family. Today Stephen and I went to the doctor to see our sweet baby for the first time.. only instead of a baby.. they found an angel. Our baby has reached heaven ahead of us.
In my heart I knew something wasn't right as soon as the image came up on the screen. It was so small...and there was no heartbeat. Dr. Zim said it must have passed on about two weeks ago. There is nothing that I could have done to prevent it.. these things are always due to some unknown chromosomal abnormality and God sort of take care of these things on His own. We are, as can be imagined, devastated ... sad... in disbelief. The girls are a great source of comfort. I remember being so terrified at each of their appointments that one of them would not have a heartbeat. I really hoped I would never know how that felt. Sitting here I can tell you it hurts. Strangely enough I actually feel embarrassed. Embarrassed that I still feel sick and tired, when my baby has left me. Like I am a faker or something. The doctor said those symptoms won't go away until the "event" is over. So now I wait, we wait. Wait for my body to do what it will. Wait and try to decide if we should take Zim up on his offer of a D&C. Just wait. And cry. And wait some more.
I know that God is control, even now..especially now. That is a comfort.