Friday, February 19, 2010

Pioneer



Well... we officially have a true pioneer in our little family. Today Stephen and I went to the doctor to see our sweet baby for the first time.. only instead of a baby.. they found an angel. Our baby has reached heaven ahead of us.

In my heart I knew something wasn't right as soon as the image came up on the screen. It was so small...and there was no heartbeat. Dr. Zim said it must have passed on about two weeks ago. There is nothing that I could have done to prevent it.. these things are always due to some unknown chromosomal abnormality and God sort of take care of these things on His own. We are, as can be imagined, devastated ... sad... in disbelief. The girls are a great source of comfort. I remember being so terrified at each of their appointments that one of them would not have a heartbeat. I really hoped I would never know how that felt. Sitting here I can tell you it hurts. Strangely enough I actually feel embarrassed. Embarrassed that I still feel sick and tired, when my baby has left me. Like I am a faker or something. The doctor said those symptoms won't go away until the "event" is over. So now I wait, we wait. Wait for my body to do what it will. Wait and try to decide if we should take Zim up on his offer of a D&C. Just wait. And cry. And wait some more.

I know that God is control, even now..especially now. That is a comfort.

11 comments:

Summer said...

Oh Sarah, my thoughts are with you. You are such a beautiful mother.

Summer

L said...

Our love and prayers are with you.

Amy said...

I'm so sorry. I'm praying for you. **hugs** from Chattanooga

Ellen said...

There really aren't any words that can make this better. I love you. Grieve hard, and hug your beautiful girls.

Wendy's World said...

Our prayers are with you, Sarah. So sorry to hear you are going through this.
Wendy

Anonymous said...

i'm very sorry.
you really don't have to feel embarrassed. my friend experienced exactly the same thing, and she had the sickness until she took all the steps of treatment. that's what happened to our body, iknow.
please please don't be embarrassed.
take care of yourself now. you are great woman.

chiaki

LifeInTransition said...

my thoughts are with you.

i check your blog daily and i truly enjoy reading your entries. you are so real and honest. i am so sorry for your loss. Your entry was written with great courage. i appreciate your wording and trust in God's will and way.

love you guys! jamie l

Christa said...

I was literally up all night thinking and praying for guys. We love you so much. Remember that you aren't alone in this....and that our babies are running and playing with stick horses or hand in hand in heaven. We will see them, one day! Call if you need someone to listen.

Deitra said...

Sarah and Stephen,
My heart grieves with you at your loss. I love your perspective though, that what was found was an angel, so very precious. Love your family picture, the girls are growing up so fast! Blessings on your family . . . and love,
Deitra

Anonymous said...

Sarah, You have such an incredible way with words. Dad and I are praying for you and Stephen and love all of you so much. You are my hero! Mom

Anonymous said...

Sarah & Stephen - you two are incredible parents. I have to tell you I have been in your shoes. God has his plans and we don't always understand. Corrie was conceived only three months after I miscarried. I had an awesome pregancy and labor! God is good. He will always continue to bless your family. Sarah I love your bloggs and watching the girls grow up. Thank you for that. I only am sad I can't be your Babysitter. I would love to spoil them a little. I hope to see you all in Perry this summer! Love you all very much! Aunt Mindy