Monday, February 22, 2010
Life continues in our little home. We have been so blessed in the last 4 days. So many emails and messages, flowers, food.. it is overwhelming. Stephen caught the babies enjoying some homemade banana bread that one of his student's mothers sent home with him today. I am told that beard on Ada is the cottage cheese variety.
Such a messy baby.
Margot infectious smile. I swear that child's eyes beam joy to whomever she looks at.
We spent the weekend mourning our loss together by taking the girls to do anything and everything we could think of. We took them to the local children's museum, Marbles , for the first time. We forgot the camera but believe me when I say they were so excited they absolutely did not know what to do with themselves. They just kept running from station to station laughing and grinning and running to find each other to show off their latest discovery. It was so much fun I think we are going to get a membership there for sure.
The weather was warm as well so we took them for a walk in their single strollers (these are more fun because we can race them and drive all crazy.. they love that.) to the park. It has not been that long since we weren't really into the slide. Now we are obsessed. Particularly Margot.. crazy giggles every time she goes down and she rolls over half way down and tries to climb back up to go again. She even went down the big tall curly slide all by her 18-month-old self.. and the tunnel one.. all on her own. She is such a ninja. Ada was all about swinging.. but no baby swings for that paratrooper. She wanted to swing the big kid swings.. and guess what.. she could do it! They both could! We stood there watching our little girls holding tight to the chains on the swing and sitting straight and tall on the seat.. so proud of them.. they were so proud of themselves. Again.. forgot the camera.. we have been a little distracted with trying to be distracted this weekend.
So here we are at Monday, and there are no signs that the "event" is on it's way. Ugh. I thought for a brief moment that today might be the day.. but I was wrong. I called my OB this morning to see about possibly getting some medication to help things along. She said Dr. Z had put in his notes that if nothing had changed by my next appointment on Friday, that medication might be a good option. The nurse was so sweet, said she had been in my shoes, and I told her I would just wait until Friday. Then this afternoon I got a call. It was that sweet nurse calling back to say that she had a talk with the doctor in the office today and he thought it would be fine for me to come in tomorrow instead of waiting until Friday. Another ultrasound and if nothing has changed then he felt it would be ok to go ahead with the medicine. So.. off we go tomorrow afternoon for another excruciating visit to the office where everyone is all smiles and pregnant bellies. I really am better off than that sentence just sounded. Honestly at this point I have had so many people tell me how painful what is about to happen will be that.. it is starting to make me just a touch nervous. I have a full bottle of Advil and a full bottle of narcotic pain killers so.. hopefully that will be enough. Sheesh.
It probably sounds ridiculous to say this but I really haven't even thought "why me?" yet. Whenever my mind heads that direction, my immediate mental reaction is "Because I can handle it.". Who do I think I am? Another strange thought that hangs around in my head is that .. in a way.. I feel honored that God thought enough of me to use me as a vessel to populate heaven. How incredible, how precious must our baby have been to be needed at the Lord's side right away? Once again.. who do I think I am ..really? Am I losing it? Are these the thoughts of someone who has not allowed herself to grieve this loss? I have cried many tears since Friday.. isn't that grieving? My thought life is often confusing but this has been the most bizarre experience in recent memory. Am I normal? What is normal anyway?