Tuesday, July 20, 2010
(Lady Margot in the "helmet" that her father did craft for her this merry morning)
I always do this to myself. I let things pile up in my brain and then I hide from my blog because I feel like I am being false if I don't pour it all out of my head and onto the screen Then my crazy thoughts start to fade, and I am so locked up I can't get back into the groove.
One thing that has been bugging me recently is the feeling that I am not a mother. By that I mean, that I feel more like a babysitter or playmate with the girls sometimes than their mother. Does anyone else out there with multiples ever feel like that? I mean I kiss them 79 times a day at least. I love them so much it hurts to hear them cry. I adore their little kisses, feeling their chubby little arms squeeze my neck. I love them more than anything. They sure act like they love me too, so I never have cause to question their affection for me as their mother. It's just, when we go to Marbles and I look around me at all the other mothers with their kids... it feels funny. Like I am an outsider. Someone recently suggested to me that this could be because the twin relationship between the girls comes before their relationship to me. So I am not their primary relationship and that could be what causes me to feel this distance. I had never thought of this before and I felt relieved that this made so much sense to me. Am I the only twin mom who feels this odd disconnection? I feel so connected and in brief moments so disconnected from them... does that make any sense? Sigh. These are the sort of thoughts that swim around in my head until I have analyzed them to death. Thankfully, most of the thoughts of this dizzying nature have faded from the forefront of my mind ... consider yourself spared.