Ok so I am papering my world and everyone in it with prayer requests for Baby Adam and his sweet parents. If you are seeing this now you probably already saw my link on Facebook and might have even gotten an email about it if you are in my address book. Please visit their website here for more information and to follow their progress as they wait for the Lord to grant these much needed surgeries to Adam.
I had the privilege to visit them last Friday when Frankie and I were in Chapel Hill for her check-up and again on Saturday evening. Saturday I got to hold Adam and what a cuddle bundle he is! He was being so patient waiting for food while the hospital searched for his particular formula that they seemed to be out of. I remember what it was like for Frankie to have to wait for food when she was in the hospital and it is no easy task for a little one. He wiggled and fussed just a bit while I was holding him but soon settled down and fell asleep in my arms. Heaven. His little eyes were doing that REM thing that babies that age do when they sleep. Just like Frankie. His breathing felt and sounded like Frankie when she was asleep in my arms. Just precious. A precious baby trapped in an imperfect body.
This family needs prayers for peace and patience and preservation. Peace for Adam as he gets used to new environments, sights and sounds. Peace for his parents as they wait, and wait, and wait. Patience for Adam as his parents learn how to be parents for the first time. Patience for Jess and Raja as they learn how to be parents for the first time. Preservation of Adam's sight. Preservation of Jess and Raja as they learn to navigate Chapel Hill, this new season of marriage and parenthood, new season of hospitals, doctors and fund raising.
Please join me in loving on and praying for this sweet family.. and spread the word!
I didn't want to cook dinner tonight. I just wanted to sit outside and watch the clouds blow by overhead and take picture of my girls. They dressed themselves.. with no screaming.. they look great don't they? I love Margot's outfits more and more each day. She must be complete with shoes and hair accessory.. usually several necklaces as well and that tutu.. always that tutu. I have been waiting for them to wear that tutu for over a year. It looks just as cute as I thought it would.
Oh and by the way.. if you are wondering why I haven't mentioned our super awesome trip to New York... that would be because we didn't go. In the end.. after we had packed the girls up in my parents car and they were on their way to a fun filled weekend in High Point.. we looked at each other and knew.. we weren't going anywhere. I had a migraine (I know you are all shocked).. we were both exhausted.. the baby hates riding in the for 2 hours.. how the hell were we going to survive 10 hours + with her screaming.... and then I checked our bank account. When you live in a HUD house and are on Medicaid and WIC and someone waits to cash one of the checks you wrote a month and a half later.. the results can be pretty devastating... (yeah I know I should have been paying closer attention to the account but I wasn't so...) Like $16 left to live on for the next 4 days. That sealed the deal. We moved some emergency $$ over from our savings and Stephen spent the rest of the evening trying to get me to stop crying/beating myself up over our cancelling the trip. We do not need $$ so please don't take this post the wrong way.. I am just being real because.. real is real right? The self imposed guilt was pretty effin crushing. I was convinced I was the reason he had decided we needed to stay home and that meant him missing the concert of a lifetime with his best friend (other than me that is). Stephen swore up and down that he had a bad feeling about going and just didn't feel like it was the right thing to do and so.. we stayed. And then the northeast got hammered with a giant snow storm. Would we have been caught in that storm with a very unhappy baby on board? Perhaps. Perhaps not. Did we spend a weekend together with one baby.. yes we did. Will we try to go to New York again in the near future. Yes. To those of you that we may have disappointed.. did disappoint in some cases.. my apologies. We will get there one of these days, I just know it.
Halloween came and went. Our double Cinderellas had a blast trick or treating in the rain though..
My sweet Stephen's birthday came and went. The girls and I made him a "CheepCheep cake" - aka Squirrel that Stephen tells the girls stories about cake. I carefully sculpted three little squirrels out of caramel.. chilled them in the fridge and then added them to the cake and put the cake back in the fridge.. and they still melted into puddles by the time Stephen came home. Oh well. You can sort of see the Frankie squirrel's shape in the middle there.. it was really cute. The girls did all the rest of the decorating. Yes, those are gumdrop acorns, thankyouverymuch.
Latest drama involves our sweet pup. Oliver apparently ate some of the ONE TOY he is allowed to have (on account of it being "INDESTRUCTIBLE"). He has been very sick since Monday. He has been to the vet twice and they were able to get him to throw up enough that finally this gigantic piece made it's appearance. There may still be more in there.. there were a few that came before this one.. sigh. Surely this is the largest one.. right?!??! He slept through the night at last night at least. He is still just sort of laying around.
I am tired. I am tired. I am tired. There are many reasons for this fatigue but I don't feel like naming them now. So I will simply say that I am tired.. but I am also being graced with an abundance of patience and have had one of the best weeks of mothering that I can remember. My house is a wreck and I don't care. The conversations I have had with my girls this week have been just incredible. Maybe later I will actually be able to sit down and transcribe them from memory..now I am being dragged upstairs to check out the "vet's office" that "Dr. Margot" is treating "Flipper" in. LOVE that Netflix has those TV shows from the 60s on streaming. Love that my girls are obsessed with them even more.
10 points if you can find the baby in this picture! The migraines are back. Sigh. So I am living without ice cream and butter and still getting the blasted things. This falls under the category of unfair in my world. Life is unfair right? Right.
So life the last two weeks, between my fight with depression and my fight with recurring migraines that I don't want to acknowledge, has been a bit dim. The blinds have been closed more than I like to keep out the beautiful bright sunshine.. and help me keep the nausea at bay. The girls have decided that they love to wear their nightgowns now instead of just panties. This is an improvement because at least they are covered. Too bad they won't wear them at night! They are so proud of themselves for putting them on on their own, and they tell me how beautiful they look in their "princess ballerina dresses" that I can't resist letting them have this little luxury. I am thankful they understand that they aren't allowed to wear them out of the house so that is a fight that we don't have to wage.
Margot is a hoarder. Can you guess which crayon cup is hers? I find little stashes of toys in every cabinet and bag that she can get access too. I am sure I am over thinking this issue but of course I wonder... does she get enough individual attention? Does she have enough things that are just hers? Or is she just a selfish sinner like the rest of us? My heart has been really burdened for her lately.. praying for ways to get into that little heart of hers. Mostly the answer has been to just shower her with love and affection.
And now.. I have to go pack up for our trip tomorrow. We are going to New York. Yes at long last we are going back to the city. We will only be there for a couple of days and we are leaving the big girls here with mom and dad.. but I am excited and nervous. Can't decide if I am more excited or more nervous but either way.. I can't wait.
You can just make them out but yes, those are Frankie's first pig tails. Oh my goodness having a girl with straight hair is going to be just as fun as having girls with curls!
Precious right? I know!!!
Ada and her baby sister. These two have a special bond brewing.
Sweet Larry finally got to meet our newest munchkin. I heard the first thing she did when she saw her grampapa was to grin from ear to ear. Pretty sweet.
Grammy and Grampapa came with us to the State Fair again this year. They were here for the fair last year too. Can you even believe how much they have changed in a year?
Just barely two last year.. You can just see my tummy starting to show a little Frankie growing in there.
Ada was just as fascinated with the animals as last year.
Margot loved the food just as much as last year..
..and finished every bite.
Sort of crazy seeing the pictures of me pregnant with Frankie last year and there she is.. riding on the outside this year.
Stephen and I didn't go alone this year. Maybe next year. Maybe not.
Ten years ago this past summer.. I went to Great Outdoor Provision Company in Greensboro and bought a pair of Lowa hiking boots for my trip to Montana. These shoes were on my feet when we arrived at the KOA in the June snow and I realized that we would be living next to a cesspool with a fountain in the middle of it. Tears fell on the laces when we were lost and exhausted in the grizzly recovery area later that summer. They were splashed by the streams flowing in and around Yellowstone as Stephen and I explored that summer. And they were trembling on the sandy ground when Stephen asked me to marry him by that lake in Idaho. I wore them with pride on camping trips in the Blue Ridge. I tied them on tight when we packed the trailer for New Jersey and I wore them with pride while we unpacked. I started to notice that not many folks in Bloomfield went tromping around in hiking shoes. These loyal shoes made way for high heeled boots and more trendy ballet flats in the closet in Brooklyn. They were always there, peaking out from under my shoe rack. Waiting for me to return to my roots.
Then we were in NC again. Pretty sure I have worn them at least once since we moved here.. but not much more than that. That was more than three years ago. I don't even have a plausible excuse for not going on more hikes since we have been here. It breaks my heart when I think of the mountains just sitting there.. waiting. My shoes.. sitting there.. waiting. Waiting for me. What have I been waiting for? More gas money to get there.. more time to drive there.. more energy to get the five of us up there.. there is always something I seem to need more of.
Last weekend I dug these old shoes out of my closet and decided to wear them to the State Fair. They would be good sturdy shoes to tromp around the Fair in. They weren't. Within minutes of getting through the front gates they began to fall apart. The soles were coming off and they flapped like a big tongue catching on the sidewalk when I tried to walk. I begged some duck tape off some good ol' boys in the Heritage Village. Patched them up. Walked on. An hour or so later the soles were so far gone that I could no longer continue and had to sit, laughing, on a bench while Stephen went to find another duck tape donation. This time I went for broke. I wrapped that tape every which way around those shoes.. willing them to become duck tape moccasins. Ignoring the looks I got plunking around in these pathetic things. Laughing at my predicament. They stayed on my feet and once I took them off in the car I was ready to throw them right in the trash can. But I just couldn't do it. They have sat in my kitchen for a week now. I actually felt a pang of regret when I tossed them just now. Why was it so hard for me to let go of this part of my past..? I feel sort of lost without them and I don't know why. All sorts of metaphors could be drawn from this story. Not in the mood for metaphors. Just sad about losing my shoes. Sad, and missing my old friends.
Well.. here we are. Cut off from the interweb at large. I must say I feel less exhilarated about posting here now. At least at this moment I do. I think I kind of liked that strangers might happen upon this little corner of the world. But since not one single person commented about my taking it private.. and I only got emails from my friends who wanted to keep reading... I guess I was mistaken about all the strangers reading.. or at least interested enough in reading to want to keep reading. Feel so good about keep my girls pictures among friends though. So good. Not saying that I will be sharing any bath pictures or anything... but if I did.. I think it would be ok. Love you guys!
I am taking this blog private. I have decided that I don't want the public at large viewing pictures of my kids and as much as I like to think I know everyone who reads this little blog, the truth is I don't. The internet is a big scary place and I am no longer ok with having my girls' pictures out in this big scary place. That being said, I love each and every one of you folks who have stuck with me through posting and not posting and I would love to have you continue reading and keeping up with us.. if you want too! So I am going to leave this post up until Tuesday, and if you would like to be included in those who will be able to read the blog once it is private.. please email me. For those who don't already have a way to contact me, you can find my email address by going to the right hand side of this page, clicking "VIEW MY COMPLETE PROFILE" and then clicking "Email" under the "Contact" heading. Thanks everyone.
You were right, Great Grammy Elsie! She does look just like a little baby doll in this sweet outfit you sent us.
And Great Grandmother Angie, this "honey bee dress" is Margot's absolute favorite.
If only my entire day were going to be as peaceful and precious as these few moments were!!! We spent upwards of 2 1/2 hours "putting the girls to bed" last night. Sigh. We absolutely REFUSE to let these girls beat us. More importantly we absolutely refuse to let the girls' grow up without knowing their limits. It's so difficult setting limits. You get so tired of enforcing them. You feel like a super hero when they are honored without a reminder from you. The girls eat their food at each meal.. our bathrooms have gone from having "Froggy Potties" and potty seats to just having potty seats with stools to having just stools for the big potty to just being regular old bathrooms again.. with stools for washing hands. The seasons have changed from fighting over food and crying at night about potty training frustrations to enjoyable meals (most of the time) to being able to feed them whatever we want and go anywhere and everywhere in our big girl panties. We have been fighting this bedtime battle since we started potty training in December of last year.. our resolve has been strong and weak. This week and last it has been strong.. just please pray for us if you think of us around 7pm in the evening. It is un-stinkin' believable how stubborn these two are. Last night we just had to laugh.. for the first hour at least.. then fatigue and heart break got to us a little. It's not easy listening to your children scream for you over and over.. and take advantage of your kindnesses. As in, you feel sorry for them as you are putting them back in bed for the 67th time and take a few extra moments to tickle their backs or snuggle them close before leaving the room.. only to have them act like they have fallen asleep in comfort.. then jump right back out of bed screaming the moment they lose sight of you. I believe this will pass.. just like all our other struggles .. it has too right?! I keep saying that to myself and this week at least, I believe it. I shudder to think what sort of battles await us in the future. I did have a flash of the Lord's comfort last night though. A picture of Ada (who was the last holdout last night) being an absolute crusader for Christ in an oppressed country, refusing to budge as naysayers tried to chase her away from a group of people she was trying to help.. a group of people who needed her. Who wanted her there. Who were afraid of the people trying to make her leave. Ada was not afraid. Ada was sure. Steadfast. Stubborn.
As a Christian parent it is my greatest fear that my children would turn from the faith that has been so central in my life. At the same time, I know I don't want them to accept my faith just because they are my children.. I want them to find it and experience it for themselves. So I pray that these stubborn little hearts would come to know Jesus in a personal way some day, and be stubbornly for Him. And right now.. I pray that Jesus would help them sleep!!!!
This post was more random that I meant it to be. Oh well.
This morning as I was downstairs putting our coverlet into the washer, Ada called for me to come back upstairs. When I reached the top step she was standing in the doorway to our bedroom. "I have a surprise for you, Mom!" she said stepping to the side, "I made your bed for you!" Tears people (it doesn't take much these days).
She was so proud of herself. Look what a good job she did.
Yes, she is pretty much the cutest baby in the whole wide world. She is growing up far too quickly. She is already digging her feet and knees into the carpet trying to travel around the living room floor. I think we may have a 6 month crawler on our hands folks.
Fall is my favorite time of year. I love getting to wear snuggly clothes .. and getting the girls dressed for cold weather.. such a joy. Here we are yesterday getting ready for a beautiful fall day.
Here we are this morning.. day two of chilly weather. Preciousness.
This is about 30 minutes later...
.. and five minutes after that.
Lest you think it was all pink lollipops and peonies from there on out I am currently listening to Ada screaming on the floor. Fall.. that wonderful time of year when you truly understand why some animals eat their young.
Think you have a stubborn kid.. Ha! I laugh at your stubborn kid. Come to my house, where the children have wills forged in titanium.
No, that is not a nod at the ever annoying Charlie Sheen. It is the sum total of my day today as SAHM (Stat At Home Mom for the uninitiated). Ah hmm! (clears throat)
Frankie wakes up screaming this morning and won't eat for several hours = losing
Stephen stays a little late so I can pump = winning
Frankie won't even touch the bottle of pumped milk = losing
No shower for the last two days = losing
Girls won't FREAKIN' stay in their beds at bedtime resulting in various form of punishment as well as emotionally and physically draining Stephen and I of our remaining energy from any given day = losing
Ada figures out she can get up and down from the potty all by herself without the help of her step stool = winning
Margot wants us to count items on the counting page of her Richard Scary Word Book during lunch time and makes it all the way to the acorns = winning
Mary calls me at lunch time and gives me a mini-pep talk while I sit in tears in the bathroom hiding from the girls for a few moments = winning
Currently listening to Stephen wage WWIII with Ada to keep her in her bed = losing
Finding dairy, soy, chocolate free cookies last night and almost consuming the entire bag = winning/losing (can a person qualify as a repressed individual from lack of sweets?)
Ada and Margot now sit in bed and read books on their own before crawling under their covers and falling asleep for nap.. such big girls = winning
Frances and Margot wake up from nap just as I am dozing off = losing
Margot snuggles up and watches movie while Frances giggles for the first time = winning
Ada has a little pee-pee accident during nap = losing
I have my very own washer dryer in the house to wash the dirty sheets right away = winning
Stephen coming home a little early = a nice long hot shower for me = winning
Cooking dinner for a new friend and being able to actually deliver it on time = winning
Frances recovers from her bad day and eats a huge dinner tonight = winning
In the space of time that it has taken me to type this, Stephen has managed to get the girls to stay in bed.. and it's only 8:16 = winning
My day today has been incredible. Not incredibly good or incredibly bad.. just incredible. I have comforted the sweetest, cutest, most adorable baby on the planet while she screamed in agony and gurgled from her refluxing. I have dressed my girls, helped them brush their hair and teeth, only to have them discard their clothing and run around in their panties all day. I myself stayed in my PJs all day.. and that sounds too cute for what it was.. I stayed in what I slept in all day. Are you picturing a frumpy housewife type with saggy boobs in a nursing top and slept-in hair..? Good. This afternoon, when a friend called to vent about the troubles that life sometimes hands us, I felt like I was running a marathon. No, that term is used too much I think. When I hung up the phone to go and comfort Frankie and get the girls ready for their nap, I honestly had the fleeting thought that I was in battle. Speaking to my friend felt like a call from another general to discuss battle tactics. I walked through the living room answering two sets of the same rapid fire questions that I answer every day ("Why do we have to go night night?" "Can I have another sip of water?" "Can you hop me up the stairs?" etc.). I weathered their barrage of pre-school logic with an ease that only comes from practice, all the while jostling their baby sister to help her get the air out of her tummy. It's hard to explain but it's almost like a runner's high, the moment you realize you are in control of the situation. The dog is barking and you are answering a billion questions while bouncing a baby and making a pot roast (lets not kid ourselves, that was in the Crock Pot but still!), the phone rings and your daughter clings to your thigh as you switch loads of laundry and your mind is spinning and you almost want to scream and then.. you don't. Your baby gives a huge belch and a happy grin, the laundry whirs it's way to cleanliness, the house warms with the aroma of comfort food, and you realize you are glad your Ollie barks at you when he needs to pee instead of squatting on the floor and you know the answers to most of Ada's questions and when you don't you are able to make her giggle instead of cry, and Margot just needs some lovin'. You've got this. Even though the house looks like a tornado came through and you look like you swore you never would.. you are in control and things are going the way you need them to go... and you feel so grateful. Grateful to God, grateful to every person who has whispered a prayer for you today, grateful for.. well.. Prozac! In the end, it isn't about winning or losing.. it's about how you played the day.
