Wednesday, August 08, 2012

Night sky

 The sky was absolutely breathtaking after the storm tonight. I suppose that is where the migraine I fought all day came from. I have said it before but it continues to be true; migraines and their frequency in my daily life feels very much like a curse. For instance, in July, while we were in Florida, I had only a few and so didn't use up all of my pills for that month. I am only allowed 8 in a month. When you do the math that comes to 2 migraines a week. That sounds like a lot. However, if I make it to the end of the month with any pills left over or having just used the 8.. that is a month that has been pretty quiet on the migraine front. More often in the days before my Rx can be refilled, you will find me doing anything and everything I can to get one more pill (at $56 per pill) or downing various cocktails of OTC meds to try to get rid of a migraine that refuses to quit. Just about the only thing I can count on is Zomig.. and I can not WAIT until that company loses it's patent or whatever it is so that the drug can be produced as a generic. I take so many supplements.. I drink loads of water.. it doesn't really seem to matter what I do.. they come. They kill. They destroy my day. They are almost entirely related to stress, or the weather. My stress level is far less than what I had in NY so I get far fewer of those types of migraines here. That is good because the stress ones are normally the ones that come with lots of trips to be sick and pain that makes me want to drill out my brain with a Porter Cable. I am fussing about this tonight because I have one pill left.. no refills so I have to battle the doctor to get another refill before my scheduled appointment.. and I have fought this particular monster all day today. Grr.. one day they will have a cure for this.. I really and truly believe that. 

Tomorrow marks two full weeks off of anti-depressant/anti-anxiety meds. Admittedly I this second week has not gone as well as the first one did. For one reason it's that time of the month when I turn into a frustrated emotional mess.. like most other women my age. My fuse has been much shorter that usual with the kids and with Stephen. More so with Stephen. That seems to always be the way of this beast. It loves to prey on those who love me most and serve me best. When I hear myself speaking with more irritation that I would like, I start to wonder if I need to just throw in the towel and pick up the prescription bottle again. But said irritation passes quickly, I hear myself telling Stephen I am sorry for being snappy and then not being snappy anymore and I think.. maybe a few more days. I remind myself that I have only been swimming once this week (freakin' migraines!!!!) and the girls are starting school in a week and my mind is spinning, trying to grasp that our summer is days from being over. I wonder how much frustration is allowed? I would love to never get frustrated. Wouldn't we all? However I know that is not reality and I don't want my girls growing up thinking that people never get frustrated or never lose their temper - no chance of that around here so we are safe. Seriously though I think it is truly important for them to see me mess up, apologize and move forward - free of guilt. I want them to see how much I need Jesus and His forgiveness and redemption. So.. right now I will keep taking it day by day for as long as I can. I am fully aware that I may be and probably am one of those people that needs to be on something for the rest of my life.. but right now I still feel ok. And honestly it feels good to be off the medication merry go round trying to find the perfect mix of chemicals to ingest. I just have to figure out my new normal..

Here's another one for ya.. is it bad that I feel sad every month when I get my period and realize I am not pregnant? I am crazy, right? My right mind tells me to run like the wind from any thoughts of more pregnancies, more babies. I am a very bad pregnant chick. I am an emotional mess before and certainly after the baby arrives. There are many more reasons that having another baby would be ...pretty crazy really! So why.. why why why do I keep tearing up when my life remains the same? When I am not pregnant I feel disappointed. We are not trying. Things are going so well here.. we are so happy being a family of 5. I just keep trying to give it to the Lord and walk away. If I actually turned out to be pregnant it would cause all sorts of mess in terms of housing, vehicular transport, finances.. so I would probably cry my eyes out if I were.. and yet I get all weepy when I am not. I finally was able to admit this to Stephen today so that is why I am writing about it here. I guess I keep thinking we might have some happy little "accident".. then we wouldn't have to decide one way or the other. It could just happen. There are too many decisions to make as an adult... sometimes it's nice to have them made for you. And I guess not being pregnant is, in a sense, having this decision made for me, isn't it? I just can't seem to be ok with it yet. 

It seems I could talk and talk on here tonight. So I am going to cut myself off and save some for another day.


L said...

Thinking of you my friend!!! And I totally hear you about always wanting another...

Courtney said...

ugh, migraines and the weather. i feel you, my friend. so sorry