Defeated

Warning.. this might not be the happiest post on the block. I am feeling pretty defeated today. Rewind to this past weekend so everyone will be up to speed.

I used the dreaded meds on Friday night ( can I just say that I stood in the bathroom for about 20 minutes taking deep breaths before finally doing the deed.. it is unbelievably counterintuitive to do something to make your body get rid of a "pregnancy" ). Crawled right into bed and waited. I had all my pain and nausea meds already on my night stand, ready and waiting. Even a pad of paper and pen to record when and what I took so I wouldn't lose track. Woke up Saturday morning and things seemed to be progressing ( I flatly refuse to bore you with the gory details ). Things progressed all day with one exception - I had no cramping.. at all.. none. I prayed this was a blessing from above and by the evening it seemed that the medicine had done it's job. I stayed home the next day and took it easy, and yesterday I was feeling very confident and hopeful that perhaps this was all behind us.

Today, I went back to the OB for a re-check. It seems the meds worked, but not all the way. The "event" never took place. Sinking feeling. Sweet doctor suggested another two rounds of the medicine and return next week to see if it was successful, this time there would most definitely be the afore mentioned pain and nausea. Or .. the D&C. Stephen was not there this time, home with the girls. I just sat there in confusion. What to do ? I even asked the doc what she would do if it were her ? Hard to say. Personal choice. Good chance the meds will finish the job this time.. yet a D&C could be performed tomorrow and it would all be over. I told her I would probably tough it out with the meds but would talk it over with Stephen. I got dressed and walked down that long hall towards the check-out counter. Passed 4 pregnant women on the way. Standing there, waiting for the nurse to schedule my re-check for next week .. the tears began to well up in my eyes. I tried so hard to hold it in, but by the time I got to the parking lot I was sobbing. I climbed into my little red car and sobbed to Stephen over the phone. See... we have a little trip planned to the beach this weekend... to get away.. but mostly to just be alone and reflect on what has happened.. to get some clarity and maybe some closure. Mom and Dad have offered to watch the girls for us so we could do this. If I take the medicine, that means no trip.. as I will be stuck in bed most likely for the rest of the week. More to the point.. I just didn't feel like I could face doing that again.. what if it didn't work.. again? Any emotional strength and resolve I had to try to do this the natural way.. has shattered. I feel like a wimp. I feel like I am not strong enough. But I need this to be over. Now. I need to have the rest of Stephen's week off be a good time of visiting and playing with our girls. I need to go to the beach with him this weekend and listen to the waves and read books together and go out to eat in Beaufort. I feel selfish for these things but they seem so important right now... so.. I called the doctor back and scheduled a D&C for tomorrow morning.. 9am. I hope I am making the right decision about this... I thought I was the sort of person who could handle this type of thing but it turns out I am just a mommy who is just so sad about losing her tiny baby.. and I need all the help I can get to move past this hurt. So.. I am getting help.