Sunday Night

This is not a picture from today, though I sort of wish it was. It's a picture from Easter Sunday. Margot is enjoying watching the fountain. The Bollman family was staying with us that weekend and that always makes everything better. I really wish this was today because it would mean that I got a do-over for the weeks that came after. I could really use a do-over.

The day before this photo was taken, we found out that some close friends of ours were separating. About a week later the husband of another dear friend just up and left her and her daughter. Then somewhere in there yet another couple, one of whom has a continuing battle with addiction, was thrown into turmoil.. again. While I can't pretend that I have been on the phone day and night with any of these women, I will tell you that my thought life has been preoccupied of late. I think of my friend up the street who I know must be hurting and I am desperate to help, but can't do anything other than let her know I am here to talk if she needs me. My friend whom I met for coffee this week, to whom I can only listen.. and offer no real words of advice.. or wisdom. My friend in the town down the road, whom I love so dearly.. hurting.. and all I can do is listen. Pray and listen, pray and listen. There is never a more useless feeling to me than this. All the while I am trying to leave in the hands of the One who knows how to love these friends best. The One who has all of this under His control, though I won't know what that looks like until He is finished with it. That is never easy either. Waiting to see how God will work in a situation. Waiting to see if He will be glorified by a happy turn of events or a painful outcome. My heart aches despite all my efforts to keep from taking the wounds of my friends as my own. It has been a hard few weeks and it doesn't look to be getting any easier any time soon.

Today I am feeling pretty angry, if I am honest.. and I am so.. yeah.. I am mad. I have no idea why really. I have just been lashing out at Stephen all day. I hate that. I lash out and apologize and lash out and apologize. I feel strangled today. I feel overwhelmed and underpaid today. The pre-K drama rages onward. Having not heard back from the school I thought was a sure thing, I applied for Smart Start but won't know anything from them until August. Also we are applying at Stephen's school.. but we aren't sure how that will go yet. And sense it seems to be a post about complaining and whining.. let me just whine for a moment about our living situation. Living in a HUD house has it's advantages. It's many advantages. Like low rent and great maintenance. But there is the constant pressure to get up and get out. Buy your own home. Take classes on home ownership and tell how you plan to buy your own place some day. Here's the thing.. how do you do that exactly? How do you buy a home when you have no money for a down payment on a mortgage? How do you buy a home when you are well below the state median income.. how do you save enough to buy a home when only one of you works? How do you do this? We are happy here, we feel blessed to be here and we do not want for anything. Yet the pressure is always there in the back of my mind. The time ticking away before we will be ineligible to live in this house and will have to move elsewhere. It seems unfair to force people in low income housing to learn how to buy a house.. if we could buy a house .. wouldn't we be doing just that?! This is an argument I have with myself from time to time and now I am having it on the blog so you all get to enjoy my internal banter. We are happy where we are and just as I get super comfortable with our situation, the time comes for me to renew all the paperwork to keep us living here and my world gets thrown into turmoil. Suddenly I feel guilt for not being out looking for a house to buy.. for not attending home ownership classes as I am being encouraged to do. It gets me all flustered every year and this year that flustered feeling just hasn't gone away yet.

There are other things racing through my mind today but I will spare you, dear interweb. Tomorrow I will get up and  I will get my three little girls ready for the day and we will learn things and laugh and giggle until we get the hiccups. I just know we will.

Is this thing on..

Has it really been that long since I wrote anything on here...? Yes, yes it has. This month has been off the chain crazy ya'll. And right now I am about to crash with my boy on the couch but I just wanted to show the world the lovely face painting (hand painting in Ada's case) that the girls had done at the most fantastical birthday party in the history of birthday parties.. that we went to today. I was never brave enough to get my face painted when I was a kid.. look at Margot! She is as brave as they come. 

And just for fun.. yes.. you can, in fact, fit 3 girls in a bathtub. The smallest girl will think it is the most incredible thing she has ever experienced.. even if she gets to experience it every night for a week. The big girls will also think it's amazing because they are amazing big sisters.. the bond between these three never ceases to amazing Stephen and me.

We love you guys. We are all ok its just been one of those crazy months where the time flies with illness and the like and before you know it .. it's almost time for the man of the house to be out of school and home every day. HURRAH!!!!!!!!!

More sooner than later.

IT WORKED!!!!!!!

THEY SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT LAST NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Whatever you guys did out there if you love us even a tiny bit you will do it again!!!!!!!! 

Margot woke up around 10:15 and called for me from her bed. A car had just gone by with loud thumping music. I went up there and she was sitting on the edge of her bed snuffling and said she heard a bump-bump sound. I told her it was a loud car, praised her for still staying in her bed and helped her get settled in again with Button and her "puppet" (her soft has developed a hole in the silky part that she can put her finger in and she now calls her soft her puppet). I left the room praying hard that the Lord would calm her spirit and help her to stay put and sure enough.. not another peep until 5:40 this morning. That's right.. THEY ACTUALLY SLEPT IN!!!!!!! Ada woke up around 6 and the light on the clock hadn't turned green yet (I messed it up last night - fixed it this morning) so she was calling for Stephen because it was starting to be light around the edges of her curtains but the clock wasn't green yet. We actually had to convince her to get out of bed!! I know it's just one night but it was such a drastic change from the last few weeks that we are both so encouraged!! Stephen gladly helped the girls celebrate by making pancakes and bacon for breakfast. 

Here's hoping it happens again tonight. Behold the power of chocolate.. or the loss thereof. 

Sleep

This is how the girls sleep. Margot in matching long jammies with mismatched socks (yes, that is intentional) and Ada in her skivvies. Bright eyed and bushy tailed from another blissfully restful night of slumber.  Here they are enjoying some time with Daddy this past Saturday morning.. or as we refer to it in our home "Chocolate Waffle Day". 

Now, go out and drink 5 double espressos, run 13.7 miles and work an eight hour shift in a wine glass storage facility that employs 13 year old boys who play basketball around the merchandise on their Doritos breaks. Tired? Anxious? Are you so tired you could sleep backstage at a Rage Against the Machine concert without a pillow? Are you so anxious you could adios an entire bottle of Xanax? Aight then. This is how Mommy and Daddy sleep. This month makes the 15th month since we attempted potty training the twins and subsequently caused them to wake during the night over and over and over and over..and over again. Our babies who were the greatest sleepers around just vanished (POOF!!!!!!) in a puff of smoke. We have been down this road before on this blog.. I am too tired to even talk about all the things we have tried to do to "fix".."solve" (?) this problem.  A few months back we reached a mutual understanding. We would set up pallets on the floor of our room every night before we went to bed. At some point during the night they would wake up and come sleep on said pallets. They didn't disturb us, we didn't have to deal with them. It wasn't ideal but it was something we were willing to put up with until this phase was over. Then it all went south again. Now we are having to deal with waking children at 9:30 and 10 at night. They wake up and sneak downstairs, sniffling on the stairs to get our attention. One of us will coax them back to bed .. and the other starts turning out lights and preparing to turn in for the night.. because.. they never, EVER stay put. In frustration we have stopped movies early, and gone to bed, wide awake mind you, so that our offspring could run into our room and lay on the floor and sleep. We have returned from date nights to find both of them up and had to go straight to bed rather than fight with them to stay in bed. This has gone on for the last 3 or 4 weeks. No more. We are tired. We are irritable. We can't get more than 2 hours IN THE ENTIRE DAY to ourselves.. and by that I mean me really. They get up at 5:15am.. they don't nap.. and then they won't stay in their own beds after 9:30. WTF people!? (don't look that up if you don't already know what it stands for..you will be disappointed in me) Do you know how hard it is to spend time with your spouse/best friend/ lover (Ah-HEM!) when the kids could walk in at any moment ? Gettin' old. Gettin' real old, real fast. Actually it's been old.. none of that even makes any sense but I am too tired to use the delete button! See?!?!? 

Latest strategy. If they don't stay in their beds at night.. they lose all desserts the next day. They each have an entire bag of Easter candy they collected from an egg hunt last weekend.. incentive? It was for Ada. She made it the whole night last night without a problem. Margot did not. This is her second day in a row with no desserts and man has it been a doozy. Praying like everything that she will make it through tonight. 

So.... if I have been absent the last few weeks I hope you will forgive me. I have been unwilling to sacrifice the few precious moments I have in my day to the internets. Crossing my fingers that soon this will all be a distant memory. Cross your fingers with us will you? Or pray, or light a candle, or both or all three. Yup. Thanks.

Farm Day

I don't think these need any explanation at all. Buddies in twirly dresses, twins in galoshes, farm animals and free ice cream.. it doesn't get much better than this.

Last week it was hot

This is what it looks like when you squeeze a 3 month bathing suit on a 10 month baby. It was just too cute to go to waste. She only squealed a little bit when we were trying to wriggle her into it. 

I have been either too tired at night or too preoccupied with put kids that get up at 9:30 back to bed (or listening to their father do it) to write the last few weeks. Praying like the Dickens that the next days and weeks will be different. 

I had a terrible dream this morning. Stephen and I were driving across an extremely narrow bridge over a big river. Our car was packed full of our belongings and we were moving to a new place to start a new stage of life (really.. that is the conversation we were having in the dream). The bridge was only wide enough for the wheels of our car (our old Volvo) and at one point I said sharply to Stephen "I think we are about to go off the edge!" He corrected the steering wheel and we continued on across and after a few moments more the car tilted to the left and fell right off the bridge and into the icy water below. I was calm about it all, we both were. I grabbed my purse from the console and we both swam to the side where we pulled ourselves up on a stone wall and called for help. The bridge workers were having coffee and doughnuts and they came out to help us. Brought us inside and asked us how this happened. We told them. They weren't shocked. Then I realized all our stuff was in the trunk of a car at the bottom of a river and started to get frazzled. An elderly lady sitting across from me scolded "Now see.. here you have your purse and your husband safe and sound and you haven't even thanked God for that!". I nodded in agreement and started to pray with very little conviction when.. Stephen woke me up with a cup of coffee in hand. Dreams are not always my favorite. Particularly the ones where you can read so much into them.. without even trying that hard. Really really don't want to fall off the side of a bridge folks. Metaphorical or otherwise.

Time

 

I have almost got the girls' preschool chosen and confirmed for the fall. This is the culmination of much angst and gnashing of teeth and cursing and huffing and blowing and crying and jubilation and then more of the other. But now.. now that it seems the decision is almost set in stone.. I am so sad I can hardly stand it. It has just occurred to me what this all means. In a few months, my time with them will start to be limited in ways it never has before. They will be gone for 3 hours every morning, 4 days a week. I am sitting here listening to them play upstairs while Frankie naps. In September they won't be here doing that anymore. I know they will be here Friday, I know they will be here the weekends and in the afternoons. But forever more they will no longer be here all day every day with me. They will be back in the summer time, but you know what I am getting at here right? I signed them up for the kids club at the gym so I could get a little time to myself on occasion. Now I can't stand the thought of taking time by myself. Not right now. I want to take them.. anywhere! Everywhere! As much as I can! The weather is beautiful and I want to do every single thing I can think of that requires us all to be together laughing and having a wonderful time. I am hugging them longer. I am kissing them more. I am missing them already. I am fighting against those thoughts that ask why I didn't do this sooner? Why wasn't I obsessed with being with them every moment sooner? Why didn't I want to take them everywhere all the time sooner? I know that the baby being older, the weather being warmer, me being more together.. these things are real and true reasons why I am more inclined to do it now.. and it's not like they are moving out or anything.. but why do I feel so sad? Why do I feel like I let them down somehow? If I am this weepy over the prospect of them going to preschool, how will I ever drive away from them in front of a college dorm? 

I need some seasoned mom hugs today.  How did you guys do this?

Preschool Art

Ada overheard Stephen and Margot talking about the inch worms they had seen on a walk. She went and got The Very Hungry Caterpillar book and proceeded to create this masterpiece. 

Margot drew this last week, the day after an assessment at a preschool where, when asked to draw a picture of herself, she drew a series of scribbles. I actually hugged her up and spun her around the kitchen floor when she showed me this picture. 

We are big on art around this house.

Saturday

Whoops!

Would you believe me if I said I had meant to post every day since the last day I posted something here and just.. didn't? Oh well. Life moves too fast for me some weeks. This week I have a reason though! We have a new baby around here! Well for one day a week at least (this week we get to play with her two days). She is a month older than Frankie and just as easy and fun and precious as another certain little baby I used to watch when the girls were Frankie's age (younger?). Back then it felt like having triplets and I wasn't super good at twins yet.. now it feels like having twins again which is actually really sweet. I even remember how to pick up two babies at once and feed two babies at once.

Frankie was super jealous at first but after about an hour she warmed up and was grinning at her and wanting to share toys and pull her hair. Baby love.

And in conclusion, today..

snow or no snow.. a pink sled will always be put to good use in this home.

Why yes, Ada is laying in the grass beside the alley. She has taken to laying down on particularly fluffy clumps in the yard. It's about time, I say.

I think this picture of Margot looks like that of a very determined story book character than I can't place. Sal? Frances?

Until tomorrow?

Tiny

It seems the only time I take a moment to grab the camera is at bath time. Anyone tired of seeing our bathtub yet? Frankie is pulling up on everything and starting to do a little cruising so.. she cruised right into the bathroom to help Stephen give the girls a bath tonight. Look at that diaper!!!! 

Interesting fact about the twins and their bath routine. They each require a bucket of ice cold water with them in the bath. You can see Ada's bucket above Frankie's head to the left. If this "cold water" spills there is great gnashing of teeth and rending of washcloths and one of them will brave a consequence by attempting to sneak out of the tub and gather more cold water from .. the sink. Forget the fact that there is a faucet right there in the bathtub. Mystical little beings they are. 

Today, the girls and I worked on writing some numbers. When we arrived at 3, I drew a large example on a sheet of paper. Ada asked to hold the paper and when I handed it to her, she turned it horizontal and solemnly declared that it looked like a bottom ("ba-win"). If I had been drinking something it would have gone everywhere. I howled, descended into giggles and they joined me. Got to get my poker face on. Goodness... a teacher I am not. Potty talk gets me every time. 

Water

Favorite. 

These are from their bath tonight. Margot is starting to have a real knack for being photographed. Ada.. couldn't care less. 

Today was another good day. I overslept but still managed to get the girls up and out to take Stephen to work so we could have the car. Today we did a parent child swim lesson thing at the gym. I honestly don't think I have ever felt as frumpy as I did today but getting the baby napped early and our little behinds into the car and to the gym in time for the class was all I could manage so.. I didn't even bother with my Yankees cap.. I just let the bed head reign. The girls were SO EXCITED. The locker room was abuzz with other moms with kids, all looking at me like I was nuts to try it with two. The teacher said she was certainly fine with it if I was. Man it was fun. Just being with them in the water. Ada couldn't contain her goofiness and kept making very "special" sounding noises and facial expressions. My only thought was that perhaps this class was a little young for them though. They were the oldest by far and it was more about getting the child comfortable in the water and we have been doing that since their first summer in Florida. I'm going to see if they have a preschool class available for free as well. The point is, we had a good time. Getting them there, making sure they had gone pee if need be before getting in the water, swimming, then back out and to the locker to get our things, family shower situation.. then dress and back to get Frankie from the kids club before lunch was a feat. I was prepared to tell them to walk very carefully in their flippies on the wet floor, but never considered that they might sit down on the floor of the gym shower (ACK!!!!!) or rub the walls of the shower with their towels (CLOROX ASAP!!!!!). Margot wiped out 4 times on the tile floor but handled it like a Shingler. 

The sunny weather and warmer temps have made all the difference around here. We took a long walk to Ace Hardware and the puppy food store when Frankie woke up early from her nap and we needed a distraction fast. Beautiful. Any minute the bugs and pollen will most likely take over but right now it is weather that you simply must be out in.

Princess birthday breakfast

"Teach me to do your will, for you are my God! Let your good Spirit lead me on level ground!"

Ps. 143:10

Here's to a day on level ground all you warrior mamas out there. Onward and Upward!

Better

For those who need help seeing the obvious, this is Margot's "Princess Robot with Diamond Eyes". Her majesty is wearing a crown as you can clearly see. My favorite part is the super wide legs. Margot cut and glued each and every piece of this project. It was her idea entirely. I just got out some scissors and the construction paper. She also signed her work. I held my hand over hers as she wrote, reminding her which letters came next but those are her letters. 

Today was better. I wrestled my brain into having a quiet time with my breakfast. Every female in this house was up, fed, dressed and in the car taking Stephen to work this morning at 7:25. Killed some time at Target before the kids club at the gym opened and then they played while I took a solid hour to work out and listen to a Vintage Podcast on my iPod. A solid hour to myself. I was freshly showered and back in the kids club zipping up coats and vests by 9:40 and we made it home to put a very sleepy baby down for her nap.. on time. I played with scissors and paper with the big girls while she slept, then we lunched, rested, started dinner and jumped into the car to go get the boy when he was ready to come back home. Even stopped at Trader Joe's on the way home with the whole family in tow. Veggie soup for dinner - the girls' favorite they tell me. I am fully aware that this day went a little too well. I just wanted to document how hard I am working not to fall into that open pit of depression that  I am teetering on. Today I won. I looked to Him and He was there to help. I got up and out and though I almost quit before I even got started, I pushed through and came out the other side a better me. This morning when we strapped the girls in and Ada started her freak out about having to wear her vest in the car, I ground my teeth in frustration and muttered something about why I don't bother to do this. Stephen looked at me and said "You are doing this. You have to own it, Sarah." He was right. Today was not about what was easy, it was about what was imperative. If I don't take care of myself how can I ever expect to be there for the rest of my family. Usually it is more trouble for me to take care of myself than to just take care of everyone else and leave me for last. But then I slip, and fall, and down I go. It is inevitable. Not today. 

Me strong like bull.

Smoosh

Kinda sorta dreading they day when they won't all fit in my arms like that. 

Ever have a week (or two or three) where you just can't get your head on straight? Man. Just can't stop riding the emotional roller coaster lately. I know for a fact that it has everything to do with my not having my quiet times in the mornings the way I had been. Still I stubbornly refuse to make myself relearn the habit. I have no good reason for this. It's like when I feel a migraine coming and I refuse to take the medicine to stop it. I feel a storm coming and I just keep standing outside with my metal umbrella underneath the old oak tree. 

I really don't like it when I feel unsettled. I feel unsettled. The area I feel most unsettled in right now is that of community. Community and friends. I have friends, I have several communities. I have my best friend and she is her own community so that is all squared away. I have my family community, our school community, and our church community. I even have a community group. Here's the thing. There has been quite a bit of dabbling in said communities, and frankly that doesn't cut it for me. It is frustrating more than anything I think. I feel spread out. Spread thin, mentally at least. I think about all the people I love and want to spend time with, invite to dinner. But then life, the eternal excuse, gets in the way. So where do I go with all this pent up community love? Into my own head. I second guess budding friendships and fail to write long overdue notes to family I adore. Why does this happen? I don't know. I haven't even mentioned the old friends that I fail to keep in touch with. I guess we just do the best we can. Write when we can, hang out when we can, have dinner when we can. 

This whole post doesn't really have any resolution because A) I don't know how to resolve it and B) the first twin just got up and that means I better go to bed or I won't get much sleep tonight. 

Yes, they still get up every.single.night. They don't sleep through the night anymore and sometimes I am not sure they ever will again.

Archival

Mom in the kitchen at home. Margot is playing with the mouse house. See the little mouse hole under the cabinets.. that tiny door that is open with light shining out from inside? That was my present from my Daddy when we moved into this house when I was 6. 

This is an old picture..not even sure when it was taken. Found it scrolling through my camera chip thing tonight. Have you ever had so many digital photos you kind of dreaded sorting through them all? I can't decide if I dread it, or if I need to book a vacation for one to the beach condo so I can sift and sort in peaceful, nostalgic bliss.

70s

It is in the 70s here. We are embracing the warmth on this 1st day of March. We will not be surprised if old man winter makes a surprise return.. we will not get our feelings hurt. We have mourned him long enough.. if it's gonna be warm we are gonna enjoy it before those mosquitoes hatch. 

We were at Pullen Park this morning. Rode the boats and the train.. forgot the camera. Might go again tomorrow if it stays this nice. Stephen took all 3 to the neighborhood park again just now so that I can tread water in peace. I am surrounded by pre-school application/scholarship forms, IBR renewal forms, tax documents.. a cup of espresso. At least I can fill out forms with the windows open.. right? 

I am sort of excited for Frank to get her two top teeth, as they are currently coming in. And yet I am really, really and truly going to miss that two teefer smile up there. If I could freeze time I am pretty sure this is where I would freeze it for her. For a few months at least. She is the baby of the family, the epitome of a cliche. She is always happy, everyone adores her, she always gets what she wants because she doesn't want that much.. right now. I can see where you "youngest of the family" get it from. It seems inevitable, and oh so enjoyable.

Final Day: something you're listening to

Something I am not listening too.. Grammy playing with the little girls :( Her train is speeding it's way back to Grampapa in Orlando. We miss her already and I know the girls will miss her terribly when they wake up. I didn't take a single picture of them all together either.. boo to that. The girls had several firsts while she was here though and that was fun. They used scissors on their own for the first time and made a collage with the pieces they cut out. I know I know... can't believe I haven't let them do that before but I was so nervous that they would cut themselves and when I tried once before I had the hardest time showing them how to hold the scissors. Having a kindergarten teacher around the house is pretty stinkin' awesome. She also taught Margot to write her own name. Not to mention she can cut out a pink butterfly like nobody's business. Believe me, I know. My butterfly cutting skills leave pretty much everything to be desired. 

We love you Grammy and we are so thankful for you. And for you Grampapa, for letting her out of your arms for an entire week.

Two in One: Days 27 (Something You Ate) and 28 (Money)

It happened, I missed a day. Oh well.. 2 in 1? What do ya think? Too literal? 

Stephen is home from NY. We are all glad to have him back. It is beautiful outside today. Mary, Stephen and the girls have gone to the park.  I am here waiting for Frank-e-pot to wake up, trying to decide if I should also make chocolate chip cookies. She has a new toof. A tiny point in the top of her mouth.. think another is on it's way as well. She hasn't said a word about it. Who is this child I birthed? She may be the calm that we stormy Shinglers need. Her smiles, her laughs, her babbles.. contagious. 

Last night when I was putting Ada and Margot to bed, singing them to sleep, Ada reached out her hand (as she often does) for me to hold it while she drifted off. I couldn't reach her from where I was because there was an ocean of "babies" in their "beds" between us. I told her so. She sat up in bed "God's hands can reach me?" she asked. "He strong and His arms are long and He can reach my hand?" Yes, Ada, He can reach your hand.

Day Twenty-Six: Night

Can you tell I am getting a bit lazy as we coast into the end of this month of pictures? I was going to take a picture tonight.. of "night".. but then I went to have a glass of wine and chat with friend instead so here is a night long ago. A snap shot that I grabbed on my walk home from work one evening in 2007 (has it really been that long ago?).